Big Plans - Poor Follow thru

 Pretty much sums up my little life.

I wrote the previous 4 or 5 posts back around my birthday. Had a bit of a mid-life crisis there for a minute when I realized how much of my life I have wasted. Had another little moment of freak out when I realized how much my writing changed. Annnd another slip into despair when I thought about who I WANT to be compared to who I actually am. I wasn't going to publish those posts. I read them tonight and worried that maybe they are too... raw. (Especially the one about "Surviving") BUT I DO want to be free to open my soul and bleed all over the keyboard. I want the freedom to word vomit whatever thoughts are banging around in my head. I want to open up and just let the words flow. After all - this is my blog - right?

So - I published the posts- and was intentional when I published the one about "surviving" - because I do still have bad days. Somedays are REALLY bad. Yes, I still have moments - even many moments strung together- that I think I can't do this and I wish God would take me on to heaven so that the pain that is so constant in this life would no longer...hurt. I'm not being fair to myself or to anyone else who fights against depression by denying that I still have really really bad days. So - I published the posts.   

Now - to be fair - I have some REALLY good days too. Honestly, lately I have had probably and equal number of good and bad days - which is AMAZING. Things are getting better. I am finally moving from "trapped in the pit of despair" me and "zombie from too much medication" me back toward "normal" me...which isn't really very normal I don't suppose...but I feel soooo much better than I have in so many years!

ANY WAY- now for the actual reason I started this particular post... I have terrible follow thru!

I make WONDERFUL plans. I have GREAT intentions. I have TERRIBLE follow thru.

I do want to do all the things. I do want to make my little piece of the world better. I do want to leave the people God puts in my path better than I found them. I want to add to people's lives - not take from them. I do want people to want to know Jesus because they have known me. I want to create beautiful things and I want to share art with others.. I want to love my people well. I want to make the rest of my life count for something. I want it to matter that I was here. 

But I'm probably not going to blog every day. I'm PROBABLY not going to do one little thing everyday to make my world better - even though that does sound like a lovely idea. I am going to start project 365 tomorrow (January 1)...we'll see how it goes.

So- time for making plans. That's what New Year's Eve is all about - right? Out with the old, in with the new.

Big Hugs

K

Some Little Something Every Day...

November 26, 2021

That's the plan anyway.

I'm going to do SOMETHING every day that makes me a better person. No- that's not exactly right. I'm going to do something every day that reflects who I want to be. No... that's not quite it either.

Hmmmm

See, here's the thing - I want to do ALL the things. 

HA! I really do! I want to paint and sew and quilt and play piano and crochet beautiful afghans and have a beautiful flower garden (so I can have and give fresh flowers) and have a fabulous veggie garden (so I can have and give veggies). I want to be thin and beautiful and fun and kind and empathetic and dependable. I want to have a neat and tidy home and yard. I want to be a wonderful cook and make fabulous desserts. I want to be a valuable asset to the company I work for. I want to serve my community. I want to be a source of encouragement for the people who cross my path. I want to offer hope. I want to be a good wife and mom and Nan to my people. I want to be a loving leader in my church. I want to be filled with peace and joy. I want my smile to be genuine and contagious and I want to smile often. I want to be a good steward of the money, time, talents, gifts, and  things God has given me.

 I want to use the rest of the time God gives me to make a difference in the lives of the people He has put in my life. 

Somehow I drifted into thinking that this can only be accomplished through doing "big" things... Like feeding people on Thanksgiving or working with the homeless community, etc. I somehow lost sight of the many little ways people impact my life each day. Many times, it's been the little acts of kindness that have most impacted my life.

I want to be full so that I have plenty to give to others.

I've realized that I can only be a positive impact on the lives of others if I am "happy" myself. I don't think that I can be "happy" all the time. I'm thinking more that I need to do things that bring ME joy alongside doing things that benefit others. This is where painting, crochet, piano, sewing, baking, etc. come into play. These things do make me happy. I no longer think it's selfish to do the things that make me happy - I just need to find balance so that I don't neglect the things that I need to do for others.

 So - That's the plan for this last year of my 40s. I'm going to intentionally do some little something everyday that either fills me up or fills others up.  

Annnnnd - so that I hold myself accountable, I am going to record this year here. Maybe I'll post it all the night before my 50th birthday. This is in no way an attempt to be a bragger. I am on the struggle bus and I need some structure so that I can get myself together.  I'm also attempting to complete Project 365 so that I have the year in pictures. My prayer is that writing will keep me balanced and focused and that I will be in a MUCH better place a year from now than I was when I sat down at the keyboard a few days ago. 

Big hugs-

K

Today's Little Something:

Got caught up at work so that I can go in Monday without so much pressure.

Gave myself a pedicure.

Today's Picture:

 Took this one while I was texting with Mom and Tonda and sent it to them to prove to my sister I was working and not ignoring her. Was so great just to chat with them. Made me feel really good. 

Thanksgiving 2021

 November 25,2021

Today was a good day.

Todd's Sunday School class decided to prepare Thanksgiving lunch for anyone in the community who didn't have the funds to prepare the meal themselves or who didn't have anyone to share the meal with.

They prepared Turkey, Ham, Dressing, Cranberry Sauce, English Peas, Green Beans, Mashed Potatoes, Corn on the cobb, and salad. I prepared the desserts. US Foods donated 6 cheese cakes, so my job was pretty easy. I haven't made pies until now, so I decided this was a good time to try it out. I made cherry, apple, and pumpkin pies and 2 banana puddings. 

We served all sorts of people. The Firefighters and Police Officers on duty came and ate with us. Several moms came with their daughters. (I can't imagine trying to make Thanksgiving dinner when it's just you and a child) I dont know how many we fed, but it was enough.

It felt GOOD. Everything about today felt good. It felt good to be serving alongside my friends. It felt good to bake pies. It was a good day. 

Tonight we went to Brian and Tayler's. I made Chicken noodle soup. Brian asked for "Taco Bake" so I made that too. Took both to their house for us to eat for supper. Tayler made a lemon icebox cake that was WONDERFUL. Titus was adorable as always. It was a good day.

It's been  a good day. I feel good. My heart is full.

Here are some pics

Happy Thanksgiving!

K

Surviving

November 22, 2021

 I just read my last blog. I was pretty hopeful that day... at least I was trying to sound hopeful. I can't remember how I felt that day. Usually, re-reading my words takes me back to where I was when I wrote them... but I didn't have that experience this morning. Maybe I wanted to be more hopeful than I actually was that day. Whatever I was feeling on July 27th that prompted me to write that hope-filled post, it was short lived.

I haven't written or painted since then. 

Honestly, I haven't done much of anything...just  survived. Day by day, minute by minute - that's what life has become over the past 10 years... just surviving. I  spend each day putting one foot in front of the other. I have adopted a habit of encouraging myself, which helps.

"Just get out of bed. Laying here will just make you have to rush and you know how you hate to rush. Just get up. You can do this. Get out of bed. That's all you have to do right now. Just get up and get some caffiene. You have plenty of time to let it do its job. Dont worry about anything else right now. Just get out of bed."

"Just get your shower. You know it will make you feel better. You can have a good cry. It's okay. Noone will know. Okay - now you have to get out of the shower or you are gonna be late."

"Spend some time on your hair. That's non-negotiable. Your hair is the one thing you still have going for you and having your hair fixed makes you look like you care- and put on some make up. Like Nan says - You might feel better if you put on a little lipstick."

Truth be told, once I get the outside looking like everything is okay, the inside can just stay on auto pilot. No one asks "how are you?" or "are you okay today?" if everything on the outside looks like it's supposed to.

The rest of my day is made up of "just do the next thing" ...

Go to work

Do what Blake and Gage need me to do

Try to be helpful

Go home

Do something to pass the time until I can sleep - and pray that sleep comes quickly and easily.

Dreamless nights are the best nights, when I just slip off into nothingness and stay there... until the alarm goes off.

The past 10 years have been an endless cycle of just getting thru the time between waking up and going to sleep.

I don't know what happened that changed me. I don't remember any one traumatic event that changed me from someone who creates to someone who survives...but something happened. Something killed me sometime in my very early 40s and I have spent the time since then waiting to stop breathing so that this can be over. Living was easy. Surviving is hard.

I don't want to continue on like this. 

There was a time when I wrote what I felt. I just opened up my soul and let the words flow. I didn't go back and spell check or grammar check or try to make sure that any of it even made sense. I just opened up and bled over the keyboard. When I read the words I wrote back then, I can remember how I felt when I wrote them. When I read what I've written over the past 10 years, I feel nothing. I don't think I've been honest. I think I've written what I want people to read- tried to project the image of me that I want them to see. 

I don't want to do that anymore.

I keep saying that I started writing for me. "In the Battle" started out as my way to put words to my feelings as I battled cancer - and so may other things. My battles got harder - so much harder than cancer - and it wasn't as easy to come up with acceptable words to describe my feelings. So, instead I tried to be a point of encouragement - but I simply don't have it in me to encourage anyone anymore. 

I need the freedom to open up my soul and let the words bleed out.

I'm not sure how to do this. Writing is my outlet. Writing is how I sort thru the stuff that traffic-jams my brain. Writing is how I remember who I am and why I'm here. What I need to write - what I need to work thru  - isn't really anything that anyone else needs to read... at least not until I get to the other side of it. 

So I think I may blog without publishing - at least for a while.

That being said - if you are reading this - whenever it is published - 

Thanks for sitting with me in the dark.

Big hugs - 

K

Birthday #49

November 24, 2021

Today was such a good day. 

Izzy took time out of her day to have lunch with me. Brian and Titus face-timed me to wish me a happy birthday. Calvin heard me when I told him how much I loved my  red skillet (I recently had to throw it away) and got me a new one. Izzy got me a super soft robe. Even my coworkers made me feel special. Jesse got cookies and Anna gave me a candle and a Bag of Reeses cups and a sprite. Raymond and Gage and even Lori wished me a happy birthday.Lily gave me flowers and mom sent me flowers.

Mom texted me and said that Nan sent her one rose every year on her birthday until she died - said she never missed a year. So mom sent me flowers yesterday with one rose in the bouquet and a card that read "Some traditions are worth keeping." I cried of course. 

Tayler had a tough day yesterday - Titus got his shots- she still sent me a happy birthday message. 

Kathy and Pops even wished me a happy birthday on their own - which neither ever do. 

Daddy put a pic of us and a "Happy Birthday Punkin" on FB.

My favorite thing about Face Book is all the birthday messages I get every year. People from every stage and section of my life take time to say "Happy Birthday" and it makes me so happy to be reminded of SO many people and memories that span most of my lifetime!

The very best part of my day was Izzy coming to my room and laying on the bed and chatting with me tonight. I miss "little Izzy" who always wanted snuggles. I miss her constant request to "Snuggle me mama." It makes me happy that she wants to spend time with me again. I love the woman she is growing into, but I do miss my baby girl too. She is amazing and I'm thankful she is mine.

My heart is full.

It is nice to be remembered. It is nice to be thought of. It is easy to get all in my head and forget that there are people who love me.

I want to live the rest of my life so that people smile when they think of me. I want to leave people fuller than when I found them. I want their lives to be better because they knew me. I want to serve people - that's what makes me happy.... making other people happy, easing their burdens...yep - that makes me happy. So there's a step in the right direction. 

Yeah - today was a really good day.

Happy Birthday to me-

K

49th Birthday Eve

November 23, 2021

 I will be 49 tomorrow.

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Maybe I just woke up. Maybe I am FINALLY crawling out of this pit of depression. All I know is that I realized the other day that I have wasted an entire decade of my life. I have nothing to show for the first 9 years of my 40s. I spent the first half building up to a nervous breakdown and spent the last half trying to recover from said nervous breakdown. I survived the first 9 years of my 40s, but that's it - I just survived.

Earlier this year, I tried letting go of all the ideas I have of who I "should" be so that I could just be "me." That didn't work out at all like I expected. Without anything to drive me, I was just ... nothing. I did nothing. I accomplished nothing. I am very disappointed in myself.

If letting go of expectations did not accomplish what I wanted, then perhaps prayerfully considering the expectations I have of myself would be a better way to....hmmmm... what exactly am I trying to do? I'm really not sure. I want...something. I want to FEEL something. Something...but what?

I want to be proud of myself but not in a self righteous, vain, or self-absorbed kind of way. I want to be pleased with myself. I want to know that I am the woman God created me to be, that I used my gifts and talents to the best of my ability, that I leave people better than I found them, and that my life reflects my love for Jesus. 

So then, what would that look like? 

In the past, I have been pleased with myself when I was actively working with the women in our church and community. I've been pleased with myself when I created things: painting, writing, crochet, tatting,  baking, cooking...yes I definitely enjoy creating things. I would be more pleased with myself if I were thin. I'd be more pleased with myself if my budget was balanced and my house was clean.

That's a start and it is enough for tonight. I'm sleepy. Going to try for a restful sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can come up with a plan to live my 49th year instead of spending another year just trying to survive.

Good night!

K

Why do I do the things I do?

 I had a moment earlier this year when I started to seriously question if what I do matters. Around this same time, our friend Todd challenged Calvin and me with this question, "If you couldn't put it on Social Media, would you still do it?" This conversation was multi-faceted - we applied it to mission opportunities and church service as well as things we do with our families and friends. Together, these two thoughts merged into over a month of questioning why I do what I do and if what I do is worth anything. This naturally morphed into wondering - if what I do DOES matter...why?

I do have a friend who tolerates these internal struggles and that friend is always quick to remind me that I'm perfect the way God made me, that I matter to the people who love me, that others are inspired and encouraged by how I lean on God through my struggles, and that I really do have a lot going for me. Friends who love you always see the best in you. Everyone needs that friend. I'm thankful.

I started asking myself things like

"Why do I write?"  I've felt like I "should" write again, but didn't really want to. I felt pressured to write again, but I'm not sure why. 

"Why do I paint?" I've felt like I "should" get some paint workshops going. Both sets of parents have requested paintings. I just haven't felt inspired to paint. Again, I felt pressured to, and I'm not sure why.

"Why do I want to play piano?" I feel guilty for dropping piano lessons. It got hard and I quit. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to do it- so I quit. So I wrestled with whether or not I "should" continue- do I want to or do I just feel like I "should"?

Finally, I sat with "Would I still enjoy any of  things I do if I couldn't post my successes it on social media and get all the praise? Do I actually enjoy painting, writing, teaching, and planning ladies events...    or do I just enjoy the praise I receive when these things turn out well?

At this same time I was overwhelmed with social media. I followed too many people and was just overwhelmed by all the information in my news feeds and timelines. So I got off of IG and FB all together. I still have the accounts, but have removed them from constant view. The results of this have been interesting... but that is a post for another day.

So - why do I write? I started this blog for me. Initially to work through the growing pangs of being a new preacher wife. Then I was diagnosed with cancer and the blog morphed into working through that. Then I had a small following and I got all caught up in the visitor numbers and trying to get comments and... well that was just a mess.  I started trying to write about things that people would respond to. That didn't work for me. It made writing a burden. Then I was diagnosed with cancer a second time and i didn't have as much to say. As always is the case, I truly wish I had recorded that journey as faithfully as I  did the first. Oh Well. Then cancer was over and... well what do you write about that compares to cancer? Then depression came to the forefront and I attempted suicide... and I worked through a lot of that. Then covid and elections and Trump and Biden and facemasks and vaccines and blah blah blah...

        So - I'm writing for me. Not worried about followers or comments. Don't care if no one ever reads it. I'm writing for me. This is my place to work thru - whatever I need to work thru. My thoughts, my opinions, my words. IF by chance things happen that allow me to share encouragement with someone, then great. but for the most part, I'm just blabbering about whatever is going on in my head. I enjoy writing. I have lots of words to use. So yeah, I'll write with or without the praise.

Now - Why do I paint? I used to love it. It used to be so much fun. I really enjoyed the whole process of getting images out of my head and onto canvas.  Then I started doing paint workshops and in the process of this got really sensitive about whether or not people "liked" the things I painted. People started asking me to paint things for them and USUALLY that worked out well... but there was 1 person I couldn't satisfy. Then there was another request that I couldn't do to MY satisfaction. Then a few of my workshops didn't make. Annnd I stopped painting.

        So - I think I'm going to adopt the same attitude about painting as I have about writing. I'm going to paint for me. Just paint what I like and what I think is cute or pretty or amazing or challenging or whatever. I'm not going to post anything on FB or IG. There are craft shows scheduled for this fall and Christmas season, so I may just do those. I don't know. I DO know that I am just going to paint for now. I don't know how that's gonna work out. I guess that's okay. I think I will enjoy it and will be proud of what i paint without other people telling me whether or not it's "good enough." Time will tell.

Piano is a different animal all together. Why do I want to play? I love piano. I have a whole piano playlist on Pandora. I want to be able to sit down and play - for me - just because the music makes me happy. Calvin asked me if I wanted to take lessons and play keyboard at the church. I started lessons and loved it. Then it got hard and all I could do was imagine trying to play for the church and messing it all up. I put a lot of pressure on myself to excel... and maybe I'm just not excellent on Piano. Maybe I'm just a middle of the road piano tinkerer. Maybe I just need to play for myself. That's okay, 

Goodness! Maybe that's what all this is about! I want to be excellent. I WANT to be the best. I mean - not THE best. I want to be excellent though. I want the things I do to be liked. I want the things I do to be impressive. I DO live for the "atta girl".

I need to be okay with just being okay. 

That's what this all boils down to. 

Well, That worked out easier than I anticipated.

Going forward, I'm going to do the things I enjoy simply because I enjoy doing them. That includes writing, painting, piano, crochet, ladies' ministry, mission work, church service, hangin out with the kiddos and the Preacher and whatever else comes along.

Hugs-

K

 All the news is still about the Pandemic. Covid 19 has been the hot topic since March of last year. Currently, the Delta Variant is top of mind. Izzy, Brian, and I just got over it. I'm actually in quarantine for several more days, but am on the mend. Yes, I am fully vaccinated - got the virus anyway. Had to get the Monoclony Antibody Infusion to start getting better. I was really, really sick.

I'm truly tired of Covid and all the canceling of everything. I understand better now that I've had it - and was so very sick with it. It is maddening that we are vaccinated and still getting sick. I don't know if this is ever going to end.

But I didn't come back to the blog after 18 months to talk about Covid.

So much has happened. Brian and Tayler got Married in August of last year and are expecting a son in October of this year. SOOOO exciting!!!!!! Izzy got her license and her first job. She was staying an extra week at Camp Livingstones to be a Counselor In Training when she got Covid. She is amazing and so willing to be used by God. She struggles to find her place; she doesn't have a strong group of Christian peers like Brian did and that makes life harder for her. She does well despite the influence from friends who are not driven in the same ways she is.

School is going to start soon for Izzy - Junior year. I'm hoping that she is able to actually go to school "in person" all year.

That's all the big news.

Things have been rocky for me since summer of 2017. The job change I made in 2019 removed the stigma I felt that I had at Community with the people who walked the cancer valley with me and who also walked the depression valley with me. Whether it is true or not, I felt that those who knew me best there saw me as permanently broken. I didn't think that I would ever recover from my suicide attempt so long as I was there with them.

Truth is - I WAS broken. I was still very broken even in 2019. I'm sure this will be sorted out over and over again until I don't have to deal with depression anymore, but, for now, I'll just say that it's taken 4 years and a job change to get to be able to say that I'm okay most days. 

And most days I am okay.

I still have really bad days... but no longer have really bad weeks...or months. 

Most days are neutral. Get up, go to work, go home. Repeat. Mix in some church. Sprinkle in time with friends here and there. 

Then I have amazing days when I am SO thankful to be here. I am so thankful to be able to see Brian and Tayler get married and start their life together. I am so thankful to be able to see Izzy grow into a young woman. I'm thankful to be in a place in my marriage where we have found a peaceful pattern. Sometimes it's these big things, and sometimes it's the perfect song on the radio with the sun shining just right against  perfect puffy white clouds in a brilliant blue sky; all that matters is that I realize - often - how much I'd be missing if my life ended in 2017 and am SO thankful to be here.

That's enough for today.

Hugs!
K