I wonder what they think

I had to run an errand today, got caught in traffic, and a song reminded me of one of my doctors. I think of them often. I pray for them often. I wonder why they became doctors. I wonder if they are happy being a doctor. I wonder if being a doctor is what they imagined it would be, and if not, is it better or worse than they'd hoped? I wonder if they are married and have kids. I wonder what their hobbies are, what their friends are like, and what they like to eat. They are people after all.

It is hard for me to see them as normal people because I have so much riding on them. To me they are a lifeline. My world rises and falls depending on what they tell me. They are warriors in this crazy battle. I am the Prisoner Of War, just doing what I am told....and waiting to be saved.

It is hard for me to think about them as normal people. People who have good days and bad days. People who get tired and cranky. People who get frustrated and exasperated. People who get excited...about getting home in time to see their favorite TV show or about a patient getting well or a football game or a perfectly built sandwich. Thinking of them as "normal people" keeps me from being selfish when i pray. I am so tempted to just pray that they will figure out how to make this all go away. I am so tempted to just pray that they will fix this so that I can go on with my life. I am so tempted to just pray that God will just give Dr Schweinfurth and Dr Pitman and the other doctors and residents helping them with my situation a Divine revelation about exactly what to do to heal me. (Just as it is so tempting to beg God to heal me rather than to beg Him to use me.) These may be the things I truly do honestly NEED, but that still small voice keeps asking me "but Kris, what do your DOCTORS need?" So, I try to think of them as regular people and pray for them, not just as my doctors, but as people. People who hurt, get tired, get headaches, have arguments with family, catch colds, have allergies, get hungry, and have a history complete with childhood, elementary school, Jr High, High School and all the baggage that goes with living life. They are people who have lives outside the hospital, places to go, movies to watch, books to read, bills to pay, laundry to do, dishes to wash, families to care for, friends to support....or who are without families to care for and friends to support. Which brings me full circle, back to "I wonder...."

I wonder how often Dr Schweinfurth has to deliver bad news. I wonder if he has gotten used to it. I wonder how many times people come to him and have cancer. I wonder if it is hard to treat a case like mine, where nothing seems to follow a predictable pattern. I wonder if cancer ever follows a predictable pattern. I wonder if it frustrates him that this has not been what he expected or if it is exciting because it is different. Hmmm...I wonder if it really is that different. I wonder if he feels a sense of satisfaction in that he is the one who caught it. I wonder if he wishes I'd come to him sooner. I wonder if, the times he has had to tell me that things are worse than we'd hoped, he paused at the door dreading to go in, or if he took charge of his residents and said "this is how you tell a patient that she has cancer...watch and learn." I wonder if he is prideful. I don't think so. He seems to be very nice and he seems to care about what happens to me. He responds to my e-mails (so I try to keep them to a minimum), answers my questions, and soothes my nerves...and bans me from internet research. I wonder if he sees us as people or as "cases". I wonder what he REALLY thinks the outcome of my "case" will be. I wonder if he realizes why God sent me to him. I wonder if he has even considered that God has had a hand in all of this.

I cannot imagine how Dr Pitman faces patient after patient, every one having cancer. I wonder if she gets discouraged. I wonder if she gets depressed. I wonder if she ever feels helpless or hopeless. I guess she must feel like the pediatric nurse that has to give immunizations. Even though her patients do not want to hear what she has to say, it has to be said and the sooner we get started, the sooner we can get on with it. In the case of treatment, even though she must see the fear and anxiety on our faces, SHE knows that the good of the treatment outweighs the bad of the side effects. Still, I cannot imagine what she must feel as she sits in front of a patient. We have to talk about the cancer, the possible complications of the surgeries, the possibility of chemo and or radiation. I wonder what she thinks as we sit there, eyes glazed over, barely able to breathe as we try to listen to and comprehend what she is telling us. She must know how frightening it is to us. I wonder how she keeps from getting attached to her patients. I wonder how she keeps from taking it home with her. I wonder what she feels when biopsy results come in. Does she do a "happy dance" when they are good? Does her heart break when there is nothing left to do? Does she hold herself responsible, even though she surely knows that she has done everything right? I also wonder what she thinks about my "case". I wonder if she knows that God is doing something big. I wonder if she can feel His presence.

So I pray for Dr Schweinfurth, Dr Pitman, Dr Grimm, and the others that are working on finding a cure for my Cancer. Not just that they will heal me, but they will be touched by the hand of God Himself as we go through this together. I pray that they will have peace of mind; that they will be encouraged; that they will be healthy; that they will have enough money to pay the bills and have a little left over go out to eat with good friends; that they will make peace with their past, enjoy their present and look forward to their future; that they will sleep soundly, love deeply, and laugh loudly; and that they will find satisfaction in their career...and their life. I pray daily that they will know how wonderful they are and how deeply they have touched my life and the lives of those that know me. I pray that they will feel the prayers of the amazing number of people that are lifting them up daily.

I still believe that God will heal me through Dr Schweinfurth, and now Dr Pitman. I still believe that God Himself led me to Dr Schweinfurth. I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for all of this and that His plan is bigger than me having and being cured of cancer.

Lord, please give me peace as we travel this road. I am finding it harder and harder to not be afraid of what lies ahead. Please help me to always keep my eyes on you. Please allow me to be used by You so that the people I meet will catch a small glimpse of their Savior in me. Most of all, and I really do mean most of all...above my desire for anything, including being healed of this cancer...if there is anyone You have put in my path that does not know You; that does not know how much You love them; that does not know that You came to earth, lived a sinless life, died on the cross, and rose from the grave defeating death once and for all so that they could spend eternity with You in heaven..........Oh Lord, please allow them to see You in me and draw them to yourself. Please allow me a small part in the story of their salvation.

~K

3rd surgery

Met Dr Pitman yesterday. She is going to do my "neck dissection". After they said that a few times, I laughed and said " I thought you dissected frogs...not necks". They sort of chuckled and said something about terminology. What ever.
Anyway, she is going to dissect my neck. Doesn't that sound like fun? She is removing the lymph nodes on the right side. I didn't ask how many. Perhaps I should have asked. Once she is done, Dr S is going to do my vocal cord again. Alan...I mean Dr Grimm...said that Dr S is going to do the same surgery he has done the other times. Alan, I mean Dr Grimm, was with Dr S before I had my last surgery, and then was with Dr Pitman yesterday. I like him. He gives me details and I think he enjoys what he is doing. He smiles a lot. He talks to me and not at me. I wonder how long it takes for a doctor to learn to talk at his/her patient.
Once the surgery is over, i will have to stay overnight at the hospital. The recovery time is longer than I expected, and i will have to do some physical therapy because of expected damage to a shoulder nerve or something. That didn't interest me much.
At least I will finally have a scar. I can say "Let me tell you about MY scar"...okay, maybe not.
That's all I know. If there is cancer in the lymph nodes, we will "have" to do radiation. I am still waiting for what's behind door #2, the "prize" behind door number 1 is not what I wanted. Radiation does not sound like something I want to do.
It is late and the "kids" just left a bit ago. Tonight was young adult Bible study at our house. I am glad that they enjoy being here. They usually stay until around 10. Tonight Izzy was asleep in my lap for an hour before they started leaving. I hate to see them go. They are so much fun. Some we have known since they were in Jr High, some we have known only a few months. They all feel like family. I love having a house full of friends. Always have.
It is so easy to allow myself to be afraid, especially now. I sometimes feel anger start to creep up on me. Sometimes I am tempted to have a big pity party. Sometimes, especially in the Doctor's office getting more "news", I feel completely overwhelmed and can barely "keep it together". Yesterday, I kept telling myself "breathe, just breathe". I am afraid that if I ever start crying, i will never stop. I truly hate this and am so ready for it to be over.
With each new stage of this journey, I have had to work harder to stay focused on Christ. I do not know how people who do not believe in Christ and the promise of salvation cope with things like cancer. It must be devastating. I can always take a deep breath, close my eyes, and feel Christ draw me to Himself. I know He loves me. Just like Izzy will crawl into Calvin's lap and lay her little head on his chest, spiritually I do the same with my Savior. I crawl into his lap and melt into His arms and just listen to the beating of His heart.
I told Him that I would do anything for Him and that I will do everything I can to bring Him glory in everything I do. Although I hope beyond hope that He will allow me to see His purpose in this, I know He may not. I just hope that, when He sees me, He smiles.
Hugs
K

Thank you

Just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has commented here, on Facebook, and via e-mail. Your words of encouragement always seem to come at just the right time.
I think it will be amazing to go back and read all the cards, e-mails, & comments here and on Facebook when this is over and I can look back on the whole experience. It is already interesting to me to go back to the first couple of posts...before the cancer diagnosis....when I thought the "battle" I was writing about was spiritual warfare. I never imagined I'd be battling cancer. Funny how things work out.
I am sometimes embarrassed that you are reading this. Please understand that writing is my coping mechanism. Writing allows me to vent, to ramble (especially when Calvin is tired of listening to me), to sort things out, to brainstorm, to get myself back in line. I almost quit and went back to my paper journal when I found out that I have cancer, but then i got a few e-mails saying that my thoughts were actually encouraging. Didn't really expect that, but might as well run with it I suppose.
I guess all this is to say, i don't know where this is going to take us, but i am glad you decided to travel this journey with me.
I am going to see Dr. Pitman tomorrow afternoon. She specializes in cancers of the head and neck. She will be removing my lymph nodes. I guess she is going to explain the surgery to me. I can't imagine anything else she could tell me tomorrow.
Thanks again!
Hugs,
K

I got a really sweet e-mail from Dr S today. Just letting me know that he understands that I probably have "billions of thoughts and questions right now", but to "try and be patient" and rest assured because he has "about 20 people working on the best treatment" for me. He also warned me to resist the urge to research my cancer on the Internet because it might do nothing more than cause me unecessary stress. God sent me a warning, I just ignored it.
I e-mailed him back and said thanks for everything he is doing and that I would try to resist the urge to google every thought that popped into my head...but was making no promises.
A couple of hours later, I was Google-ing Head and Neck Cancer/Staging. Don't do that. It is not the stuff happy dreams are made of. By the end of the day, my head was aching, my chest was hurting, and I was fairly certain that my throat was swelling shut... okay, maybe not, but I was SUPER stressed over everything I read.
So I got home, still thinking about all the "What if's". Took Izzy to the doctor (nothing is wrong, just allergies) and while we were in the waiting room, my phone rang. Mrs. Jenny was one of my favorite people when I was little. With her snow white hair and infectious smile, I could not help but love her. She told me about Jesus, but more importantly, she lived Jesus in front of me every time I was around her. She called tonight to tell me she loves me and that she is praying hard for me. She said that she knew I was "going through a rough spot".
I thought my heart would burst. Yes, she got my number from my mom. Yes, mom told me that Mrs Jenny would be calling at some point. Yes this whole ordeal is probably what she was referring to when she referred to my "rough spot". But in my heart I know that my heavenly Father used my sweet Mrs Jenny to soothe His daughter's soul. I was definitely going through a "rough spot" right that second. I was scared to death....and God knew... so Mrs. Jenny called.
It does not matter what this type of cancer "usually does". It does not matter how it is usually treated. Dr Schweinfurth and others are figuring out what to do with MY cancer. Do I or do I not believe that My Savior has this under control?
I do. I do believe. Satan is constantly trying to steal my witness. Today, for a few hours, I let him. So, after I hung up with Mrs Jenny, I took a deep breath, apologized to my Savior for taking my eyes off Him and declared war on my enemy.
I am not afraid. I have focused my eyes on my Savior once more and am at total peace. The waves are still crashing around me and i have no idea what storms are ahead, but I am resting safe and sound once more in the arms of My Creator.
hugs!
k

"I'm listening"

I think the hardest thing that I have had to face so far through all of this is not being able to sing in church. Who would have thought that would devastate me? Of all the things that have been going on, not being able to sing was really the worst. There are so many songs that speak of exactly how I feel.
"You are awesome in this place, Mighty God! You are awesome in this Place, Abba, Father!"
"I worship You, Almighty God, There is none like You."
"You are the air I breathe"
"I could sing of Your love Forever"
"You are my refuge"
These are just few lyrics that give words to my feelings about my Lord.
Not being able to sing to Him was almost unbearable after my first surgery.
I was dreading not being able to sing after this last surgery.
Last Sunday, I decided I'd give it a try, I'd sit in the choir loft and "lip sync" if necessary. God heard the cry of my heart and gave me the sweetest gift. He allowed me to sing. He allowed me to sing! It was all I could do to keep it "together". I was so thankful...so humbled and grateful that God took the time to hear my heart's cry. Then I was hit with the enormity of the fact that many many times (before this) I sat in the pew with something else on my mind and have not truly praised Him. In spite of my neglect, He gave me the most precious gift I could have dreamed of. It was as if He whispered to my heart, "Sing for me, my sweet child". And I did. Just for Him. I poured out all of the love in my heart and praised Him for who He is. My Creator, My Father, My Savior, My Lord, My strength, My refuge, My hiding place, My Comfort, the very air I breathe.
Oh God! Please never let me be so consumed with this fleeting life that I do not worship You!
He gave me the same gift again yesterday. He even kept my headache in check until after the evening service!
God is blessing our church in SO many ways! He is adding to our numbers almost every week! He is bringing old friends back to us and introducing us to new friends all the time! Last week we had 6 join the church and this week we had one new member and one of our first youth come back to us! The new Sunday school class is growing (19 - early 30's) by leaps and bounds! We have had 3 new members in the past couple of weeks! Our FLO (For Ladies Only) Bible study has grown from 10 or 12 to just over 30, when everyone shows up. The choir has tripled! We have over 40 on the "roll" now!
God is so good! I can't wait to meet Dr Pitman on Wednesday and see what she has to say. Hopefully we can have surgery next week. What ever the outcome, I know God is in control. He is with me, and He loves me enough to let me sing for Him.
Hugs! K