Friday, November 23, 2018

Get Fit Friday - 100 Day Challenge - DONE!!!!!

The Results:

Well here I am. 100 days later. Somethings did not turn out as planned. Okay... nothing turned out as planned. I am not thinner. My diet is not squeaky clean. I did not read the entire Bible. My house is not sparkling. I still have a pile of laundry waiting to be "caught up" this weekend. My floors need to be mopped. My car is a mess. Looking back over my "challenge" makes me sigh. I didn't even take my vitamins every day! What the heck?!?

My natural tendency is to cower to the voices that tell me, "What were you thinking? You ALWAYS fail. You NEVER follow through. You are such a loser. You let everyone down. When are you gonna learn? You think you can just revamp your life? You knew better! You have no self discipline. You are a terrible person."

I did not complete my challenge as planned, but it was far from being a failure. Sure, I am disappointed that I didn't complete the challenge, but I'm excited about what I DID accomplish these past 100 days.

I learned to talk back to those voices that tell me I "always" or "never" do something. I learned to quiet the thoughts that tear me down, belittle me, and cause me to think poorly of myself as a person.

I learned to set healthy boundaries, without feeling anger, guilt, or anxiety.

I learned to ask for clarification instead of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

I learned to admit when I am struggling, without fear of rejection.

I learned that I really am too hard on myself, that no one but me expects me to do anything perfectly and that life is much more enjoyable when I just "do" instead of waiting til I think I can "do it perfectly."

I learned to push through fear, and marked "sell my art at a craft show" off my bucket list in the process.

I learned to not equate "needs improvement" with "utter and complete earth shattering failure" and learned to give myself permission to step away and then try again. This is an example of how that turned out...
no, it's not perfect. It still needs work. BUT This is 2 weeks of starting and stopping and wanting to give up and throw the thing in the trash, painting over what I didn't like and stepping away and calming down and trying again...and again... and again.  No matter the flaws and inconsistencies that are still here, these is by FAR the best trees I've painted. I have learned SO much in the process. Over all... I am pleased.

I've learned and accepted that that I'm not the person I thought I wanted to be. I think I've said this before, but it usually takes a few "ah ha" moments for something to stick with me. So, I'm not the person I thought I wanted to be. I'm not strong and demanding. I don't take what I want. I am not beautiful or even striking. I do not have a commanding presence. I am not the center of attention. I do NOT have it all together. I am NOT good at small talk. Jokes are often lost on me. I am not interested in fashion trends, popular tv shows, or celebrity lives. I... am not... cool.

Despite my lack of coolness,  I've learned to like myself.... really like myself. I've learned to stop focusing on what I'm NOT and appreciate WHO I AM. I am learning to appreciate, cultivate, and take care of who God created me to be. I am kind, gentle, and trusting. I believe the best in people. I expect people to do the right thing. I don't expect anyone, including my husband and kids, to disappoint me. This isn't harsh or demanding, rather, I look for and expect the good and am often blind to the bad. I am as painfully introspective as I am optimistic. I enjoy deep conversations about thoughts and feelings and spirituality.  I like to listen to people, to watch them, to see if they really are who they want people to believe they are, and what makes them so (or not so). I am creative. I love art and words and music. Oh, I  really do love music. I place value on things, conversations, events, and sometimes even people based on how they make me feel. God has given me the ability and desire to love deeply, give without strings, see beyond what people project on the surface, and accept without judgement.

I tell the people in my life, "There is nothing you can do to make me love you any more or any less. I love you because I do, not because of anything you do." I've learned that this is absolutely true.  I have also said that, when my time here is over, I want the people in my life to say "Kris loved me."   That's also true, but I have recently realized that it is very important to me that the people in my life have the confidence to know "Kris loves me." I want the people in my life to know I am for them, that I want them to succeed - for themselves and not for anything I may or may not gain from their success, and that I want their lives to be full and rich...and good.

All this is to say, my 100 Day challenge did not play out as planned, but these past 100 days have been full of major victories and for that, I am grateful.

Just my thoughts,
K


Thursday, November 22, 2018

Thursday's Thoughts on... Thankfulness

I suppose that today's topic is predictable. It is Thanksgiving after all.

Thing is, I really AM thankful.

I am DEEPLY thankful for these past 18 months. (Gosh, they've been hard.)

Often the greatest blessings come on the other side of our most painful experiences. My life is testimony to this fact. If you have followed my journey, I pray that my life encourages you to trust God, follow Christ, and keep pressing forward. Don't give up.

God allows great pain. He certainly allowed it in my life. He allowed me to struggle. He allowed me to doubt. He allowed me to seek satisfaction outside of Him. He allowed me to wallow in self-loathing. He allowed me to suffer. He allowed me to try (unsuccessfully) to put myself back together. He allowed me to sulk and blame and make excuses. He allowed me to justify poor choices and tolerated my lack of faith.

Much as a parent waits out a toddler's tantrum, God Almighty waited until I was exhausted, spent, drenched with sweat and tears... until I knew that nothing apart from Him would satisfy the longing in my soul. THEN (and only then) He began to restore me...in His way, using His methods, on His schedule.

He sat with me as I carefully unpacked all the hurts I'd buried over the course of my life and helped me see them from His point of view. He was patient with me when I retreated into familiar patterns of thought and behavior. He was gentle with me when I slid back into the pit of depression and despair. He put good people in my life to guide and direct me through the process of... what... hmmmm... I think we were rewriting my story... well, it's the same story, but now God is the main character instead of me.

A friend asked just this week "How are you doing?" This person doesn't ask often, but always wants the truth and won't let me get away with "oh, I'm fine." I was able to say, "I'm really good" and when asked "why? tell me," I said "I've made peace with my pieces."

I've made peace with my pieces.

Wow.

The past 18 months have been really hard. I don't ever want to go through that valley again. However, I would not trade it for anything because where I am now is soooo good. I am whole.

God helped me make peace with my pieces... and now I have peace.
For that, I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!
K