My precious friends in Southaven sent me flowers at work yesterday. Little did they know how God would use their act of thoughtfulness to speak to me. I just love it when God lets me know He is with me. I am reminded of the reaction Izzy has when she realizes her daddy is watching her. Her eyes light up, her lips break into a smile, and she puts a little more into what ever it is her daddy caught her doing. I am also reminded of the days when Calvin and I were dating. I remember catching him looking at me and thinking "He noticed!". I had much the same feeling over the past 2 days...only it was the Creator of the Universe who noticed me.
So, back to my story... Jeff, Debra, and their gang sent me flowers yesterday. Totally surprised me and absolutely made my day. Every girl likes to get flowers, especially at work!They ordered the flowers from Emphasis Florist. Now, i have a special place in my heart for Chris and the folks at Emphasis. Not only do they do an AMAZING job on flowers, they also put a scripture card in with the sentiment card. OK, so I am totally amazed at this gorgeous flower arrangement I have been given by my sweet friends...then I read the scripture..."The One who watches over you will not sleep" Psalm 121:3. It was as if God Himself breathed the words over me. "I am here. I know what is going on. I am not leaving you." What a blessing! I just love it when God reminds me that He is near!
Today I went to the see Dr Schweinfurth to find out what the tumor Board said about me when they met yesterday. I was fully aware after having the CT scan done last week that there was a distinct possibility that they could recommend that we take a closer look at any number of lymph nodes. I was HOPING that we would finally get some completely good news though, and that they would say "just go on like you planned. Do the surgery. The CT scans look normal."
We are going to remove and biopsy 3 lymph nodes when I have my next surgery, so we are postponing the surgery that we had planned for Monday, the 9th. I have an appointment with Dr Pitman at the Cancer Institute on Wednesday, the 11th. She will be the surgeon removing the lymph nodes. Once I meet with her, she and Dr Schweinfurth will schedule my surgery and I will have the 3rd surgery on my vocal cords and have 3 lymph nodes removed. Not good or bad news, just not what I wanted to hear.
I wish I could say that I immediately thanked God that my doctor is being aggressive with this. I wish I could say that I handled it well. I really didn't. I cried all the way home. Cried some more in the bathroom once I got there. Calvin held me and asked God to help us deal with this, i just sobbed. I went to work. i couldn't think. I talked to a few friends, sent a few e-mails, talked to my boss. My brain was oatmeal. I was not okay with this. We had a plan. We know where the cancer was, what it was doing, and had a plan to get it out of my body. Now, we are back to "we hope", "we expect", and "we'll wait to see what the biopsy says". I was frustrated. Not scared or sad or worried or even angry (though I did at first think i was feeling anger. I guess I don't get angry enough to really discern that emotion)...I was just frustrated. I am so tired of this. I am not afraid of it. I have no doubt that I will be healed. I am just ready for some good news. I am tired of it always seeming to be one step forward and two steps back. I hung around at work as long as I could. I went home around 4.
I got in my car and headed home. "The One who watches over you will not sleep."
OH MY GOODNESS
He knew. He knew what Dr Schweinfurth would tell me today. He already knew my reaction and the flood of emotions that would overcome my soul. He knew, and He sent that sweet scripture to me yesterday knowing it would be fresh on my mind today when i so desperately needed it. He knew. He knew and He cared enough to send me a message....and delivered it with flowers!
I cannot doubt Him. I am not afraid. I am not worried. I am not even frustrated. The One who watches over me will not sleep.....so I can go ahead and get some rest.
What an AMAZING God we have the pleasure of serving!
Hugs!
K
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
"so How are you REALLY doing?"
This is the question I get asked most often. Really, I am okay. I have a knot on the back of my neck(I am guessing a swollen lymph node), and a sore throat (a real one, not from the surgery), and my chest hurts a little (probably from stress), and I am running a little fever. So, I feel bad, but none of that has anything to do with the cancer that I know of. We will check out the fever and sore throat when I see Dr S on Thursday.
I am interested to hear what the Tumor Board says about all this. I wonder if they will find it as interesting as Dr S does. To me, it seems so random, but then again, Cancer is like that.
I'm not worried or afraid, or depressed, or upset. Maybe I should be. Then again, what good would that do? Just make me feel worse and make everyone avoid me. People will feel sorry for you for a little while, but no one wants to hang out with someone who is all "poor me" all the time. I want to be an inspiration. I want people to ask "How do you do it?", because then i can give my testimony and tell them about Jesus! I want to make people feel better about them selves and their circumstances. Most of all, i want the people in my life to hunger and thirst for a close, personal, intimate relationship with Christ.
I was telling a friend today....I don't know how people make it through times such as this without a strong relationship with Christ. It is hard to trust someone you don't know, or even someone you just met, or someone you are acquainted with. I mean, when bad things happen, who do we run to? The girl at the check out at Wal mart? The person who you see in the parking lot at work and smile at every morning (" I think his/her name is....")? Your neighbor across the street that you greet with a hearty "Mornin!" as you both grab your newspapers or take the garbage to the road on garbage day? The person who you work next to every day, but don't see out side of the office? No, when you need help, you turn to the people you KNOW, people you have a history with. People that have already shown you that they are trustworthy.
I am so grateful that God drew me close to His heart years ago. He has already delivered me from anorexia and bulimia. He has already held me through grief. He has fed me and watered me and helped me to grow. HE has provided a way when there seemed no hope. He answered our prayers when the Doctor said that I was having a miscarriage when I was pregnant with Brian. He comforted me when I did miscarry and lost Brian's and Izzy's sister or brother. He has helped me make sense of numerous "injustices". He has taught me to forgive. He has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. He has shown me grace. He has calmed my fears, eased my doubts, and put a song in my heart. I KNOW Him. I LOVE Him. I know I can trust Him whether it is when I am considering a job, needing extra $$ to make it to payday, or with Cancer. My Savior will take care of me and mine. I may not always understand why things happen, but I am able to rest in the sweet understanding of my Creator's character. He is love. He loves me. He has a plan and His plan is best!
So, I am REALLY okay.
Hugs,
K
I am interested to hear what the Tumor Board says about all this. I wonder if they will find it as interesting as Dr S does. To me, it seems so random, but then again, Cancer is like that.
I'm not worried or afraid, or depressed, or upset. Maybe I should be. Then again, what good would that do? Just make me feel worse and make everyone avoid me. People will feel sorry for you for a little while, but no one wants to hang out with someone who is all "poor me" all the time. I want to be an inspiration. I want people to ask "How do you do it?", because then i can give my testimony and tell them about Jesus! I want to make people feel better about them selves and their circumstances. Most of all, i want the people in my life to hunger and thirst for a close, personal, intimate relationship with Christ.
I was telling a friend today....I don't know how people make it through times such as this without a strong relationship with Christ. It is hard to trust someone you don't know, or even someone you just met, or someone you are acquainted with. I mean, when bad things happen, who do we run to? The girl at the check out at Wal mart? The person who you see in the parking lot at work and smile at every morning (" I think his/her name is....")? Your neighbor across the street that you greet with a hearty "Mornin!" as you both grab your newspapers or take the garbage to the road on garbage day? The person who you work next to every day, but don't see out side of the office? No, when you need help, you turn to the people you KNOW, people you have a history with. People that have already shown you that they are trustworthy.
I am so grateful that God drew me close to His heart years ago. He has already delivered me from anorexia and bulimia. He has already held me through grief. He has fed me and watered me and helped me to grow. HE has provided a way when there seemed no hope. He answered our prayers when the Doctor said that I was having a miscarriage when I was pregnant with Brian. He comforted me when I did miscarry and lost Brian's and Izzy's sister or brother. He has helped me make sense of numerous "injustices". He has taught me to forgive. He has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. He has shown me grace. He has calmed my fears, eased my doubts, and put a song in my heart. I KNOW Him. I LOVE Him. I know I can trust Him whether it is when I am considering a job, needing extra $$ to make it to payday, or with Cancer. My Savior will take care of me and mine. I may not always understand why things happen, but I am able to rest in the sweet understanding of my Creator's character. He is love. He loves me. He has a plan and His plan is best!
So, I am REALLY okay.
Hugs,
K
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