East to West

I like the Message's version of Psalm 139, especially the following verses:
13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

From time to time, I stop and think about the chapters that are in the book of my life thus far. Yesterday I was sharing my story with a new woman in my life and was reminded of the opening lines of a chapter in my story.......
" Don't you know that if you have asked Jesus to be your savior and have asked Him to forgive you, HE has thrown your sin as far from you as the east is from the west......and that's a straight line"
Those words were spoken to me about 13 years ago by my then pastor. Those are the opening lines of the chapter that began my love relationship with Christ.
At the time those words were spoken, I did know Christ as Savior, but was FAR from accepting Him as Lord. I could not embrace God as Father because I would not allow myself to believe that He'd REALLY love me after the choices I'd made for 20 years.
I am amazed at how God's plan played out.
I had been away at college, was "unhappy" and so moved back in with my mom and step-dad. I went to work for my step dad and things seemed to be going well. I met a lady through my job that asked me to visit her church. She wanted to introduce me to her pastor. I did attend her church for a while and during that time got to know several of the members and among those people, her pastor, Tom. I joined their Bible Study group and was introduced to Max Lucado's writings. (I still use his writings in mnistering to women because his style is so simple and so full of Christ's love for us.) During that time, God used Tom to tell me the one thing I needed to hear more than anything at that time in my life....Found in Psalm 103:
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us
Tom did not stay in my life long, but God used him to start a monumental movement in my life. His words stuck and I did finally embrace the fact that God does indeed love me and has indeed separated my sin from me....as far as the east is from the west. This understanding of forgiveness created an unquenchable thirst in me that quickly developed into a passionate relationship with my LORD and Savior Jesus Christ.
I have been crazy in love with Christ for years now and it is my greatest joy to share Him with the women He places in my life.
I am so thankful that God, in His mercy and grace loved me enough to make sure I heard His word...."I really have forgiven you".
Now, as the final words in the "Cancer" chapter have been written, I am so eternally grateful that God used a pastor of a little church to draw this Daughter to her Heavenly Father. Had it not been for THAT moment, I might have never developed the relationship with my Heavenly Father that I naturally depended on to keep me sane over the past year.

God's love for His children never ceases to amaze me.


Hugs!
K

Put an MD behind my name

Okay, maybe not, but I was correct to diagnose myself as a total hypochondriac! ha ha ha

Dr visit went GREAT!

Dr S was very considerate of my anxiety and said that it was understandable and that it would get better as time goes on. The type of cancer that I had is the least likely of all cancers to spread and they caught my cancer so very early and are monitoring things so closely that he does not forsee ever having to give me bad news again!

Had another new Intern. That's ALWAYS fun for me. So when Dr S and I were talking about my anxiety, he asked "when did it start?" I could not resist..."About 2 weeks ago which was about the time I realized I had to come in and see YOU again! Oh no! I have to go see that Doctor Schweinfurth!!!!" HE didn't miss a beat..."Oh man! That's about the time MY anxiety kicked up too...Oh No SHE's coming back in!!!!" Christy, Doc, and I were cracking up...I wish I had a picture of the look on the intern's face. His eyes were as big as dinner plates.

He did check my blood pressure and all that fun stuff to see if there was any obvious medical reason for the light headedness. There isn't. Just me being a little "unbalanced". ha ha

He also said that I can absolutely treat any headache or neck pain or shoulder pain or any other random ache and pain as exactly that...a random ache or pain. I can respond to aches and pains, even in my head and neck, as I would have before the cancer. WOW! How cool is that???

Here's the best part....I can't remember if I have mentioned it here, but I have been concerned with the scheduling of my next surgery. We were planning to do a biopsy 12 weeks from the last surgery to make sure that nothing was amis. I was PRAYING that he'd let me wait until August to do it. So, at the end of the visit, I asked about scheduling it and he said "I DON'T THINK WE NEED IT"!!!!!!!!!!

Holy COW! Are you KIDDING me??? WOOHOO!!!! No more surgeries!!!!!!!!!! Okay, to be fair...if my voice starts sounding like the crypt keeper or if he sees something on my cords, I'll have to have the surgery, but as long as every thing sounds and looks good....NO MORE SURGERY! WOO HOO! Doin the Happy Dance!

So, with the dark cloud of another surgery (and weeks of silence while my cords recover) gone, I can REALLY get on with life. I can really make plans and move forward without taking "being muted" into consideration.

oh, and I have allergies, no sinus infection. Most everthing on my list was...well nothing. Go figure!

Hugs!
K

Making a list

Funny how I do that...make a list, that is. i am not in any way shape or form a "list" person...which is why I am always running here and there to get something I forgot. You'd think I'd learn! Anyway, the one time I DO make a list is when I am getting ready to see Dr. Schweinfurth.
Because the real problem with my voice was misdiagnosed for so long, I am careful (too careful, I'm sure) to make sure that I tell him EVERYTHING that I think is not normal when i see him.
This gives him the chance to say "You are a complete hypochondriac. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you," and later I don't wonder "but what about..."

So, I am going to the Dr. this morning and my list looks something like this....

1. How do we know that I don't have cancer anywhere else?

2. Does the fact that I have had this type of cancer make me more likely to have cancer anywhere else?

3. What are the odds that this will come back?

4. Will we always be able to tell if I'm "okay" by the quality of my voice?

5. I think I may have inner ear issues. I keep losing my balance and I get light headed when I stand quickly.....or is that just because I have more fat cells on one side than the other? Oh, my left ear aches too. Right one still aches, but that one aches because of nerve damage from the neck dissection....so check out the left one.

6. My chest hurts.

7. What are these 2 bumps in the roof of my mouth?

8. Constant headache and watery right eye....sinus infection?

9. My throat feels constricted and makes me feel like I need to gag and there is a catch again when I swallow.

10. I am completely exhausted all of the time. I cannot get enough sleep.

11. (most unusual) I have very little appetite.


What do I expect him to say?
11, 10, 6. and 9 are due to anxiety
7 toros something or other...bony growth in the roof of the mouth...probably been there for years
8 sinus infection
5 inner ear problems or sinus infection
1 because this cancer does not "spread"
2 no
3 slim to none
4 yes


So, I am going to go get dressed, and me and my list are going to see Dr. Schweinfurth. We'll see how I did on my self diagnosis!

Hugs!
K