Saturday Sabbath

Get Fit Friday - 100 Day Challenge - Week 3

Well, I am in a better frame of mind this week. First off, I caught up on my Bible reading plan and am on target to get the Bible read in 100 days! This is a huge accomplishment for me. Also, I am on target for tossing things in the trash. I know this sounds silly to those of you who are total neat freaks, but it is HUGE for me. I have tossed more stuff... and FOUND more stuff than I care to admit! (I will say this... turns out, I have enough tissue paper to stuff gift bags for every holiday, birthday, baby shower, wedding shower or "just because" for the next 19 years or so! )

Let's see... what else...

Yeah... that's about it. hahhahahahahaha

Seriously folks, I'm a walking disaster. Ya gotta laugh tho. I mean really. WHAT was I THINKING???? Who am I KIDDING??? I CAN'T do this!!!!

I have this thing... I don't know what else to call it... it's just this thing I do whenI decide that I need to do something, or even just that I want to do something. I dream about it for a while. I research possibilities and play out scenarios out in my head. I doodle ideas and journal my thoughts about it. I see what others have done. I read up on the best of whatever it is. I imagine the final result a million times. I get an image in my head of my idea of perfection.... and then I quit.

Okay to be fair, I don't always quit immediately.

The REAL way this plays out is that, once I get this picture in my head of the perfect what ever it is, I realize that there is no way on earth that I could accomplish what ever it is. (think: 100 push ups) Then I spend a great deal of time chastising myself for "always failing" and remind myself that I "Will never be good enough, will never amount to anything, and can't do anything right."

THEN I quit.

I often quit before I even get started, because I set the standard so high that there is no way I could succeed. If I don't succeed, I fail. Failure is not an option. So, rather than fail... I quit. It's a control thing really. Rather than leaving success or failure to chance, I quit. So... while I haven't succeeded, it was by choice... not because tried and couldn't succeed.

Goodness I want to vomit just writing this. Seeing it all in print is sickening.

How many times have I quit simply because I was afraid I'd fail?

Honestly, I'm not sure what to do with all this today. I REALLY thought that this would be the post where I tell you that this whole Challenge thing is just crazy and I quit. That it was stupid anyway. That I don't have anything to prove and can quit if I want.

All those things are true... it is crazy, it may even be stupid, but ya know what? I DO have something to prove... not to you... to myself.

I need to prove to myself that I can complete this... as my friend says... "Even if I suck at it."
I need to prove to myself that less than perfect isn't failure and that good enough is.... well,  good enough.

I need to prove to myself that I do not have to be afraid of failure.

Goodness... this whole post makes my ears ring, my head hurt, my chest ache, and my hands shake.  I want to vomit.

(sigh)

Okay, I'm NOT quitting. I'm gonna finish this. No matter WHAT that looks like.

79 days to Go!!!

k

Thursday Thoughts on... Forgiveness

I spent a LOT of time thinking (and writing) about forgiveness several years ago. At that time, the wounds for which I needed to forgive were raw, fresh, still bleeding. That seems like a lifetime ago now. At that time, a friend told me "Unforgiveness is about as effective as drinking poison in hopes of it killing your enemy."  I remember making a conscious choice to forgive.

I have never regretted that choice.

Forgiving old hurt has proven much more difficult.

Perhaps I believe these old hurts are part of who I am. Maybe it's because I have carefully boxed all that old hurt up, taped the lid shut, wrapped it in brown paper, tied it up with rope and buried it so deep that in order to deal with it, I'd have to WORK to dig it up.

Well, that may have been my intention... but as I have said before... buried "stuff" is a time bomb.

Last year my bomb went off and all that stuff I'd been so careful to bury spewed everywhere. It left all sorts of emotions, memories, feelings, and thoughts all OVER the place. It felt like everything in me was out of place. It felt as though every negative thing in my entire life ripped through my already fragile heart and then rushed to the front of my mind so that the only thing I could think was, "You are such a failure. You never get anything right. You will always be a screw up. You are unlovable. You are a terrible wife, mother, child, sister, and friend. Everyone would be better off without you."

It takes a bit of therapy to get yourself together after a full blown come apart.

One of the "exercises" that all the therapists I've seen seem to agree on is the exercise of writing letters to the people I feel I can't talk openly to. Mailing the letter is optional; the purpose of the exercise is to give voice to the bottled up and buried emotions that keep me bound. It is an opportunity to say all the things I would never say. It is an opportunity to remove all filters and just... word vomit.

This sounds wonderful.

It SEEMS that word vomiting every thought that comes to mind about every hurtful thing (real or perceived) that anyone has ever done to me would be welcome. "Give a voice to little Kris," and all that good stuff... but I couldn't do it. I cannot even tell you how many hours I spent staring at a blank page. The words would not come. Everything I THOUGHT I wanted to say... I really didn't want to say at all. I don't want to spew venom. I don't want to be filled with hate and I distinctly remember thinking that hate would overwhelm me if I studied all those hurts that I'd kept buried all these years. A year later and still have not completed this exercise.

This week, I came across a little snippet of something that made all those "forgiveness of old hurt" pieces finally start falling into the right places. I watched Nadia Boylz-Weber's video on forgiveness.  Now, before you freak out... Anyone who knows me know I am not a militant feminist, nor am I Lutheran. None of that has changed but this particular video is a gem for me. You can look it up for yourself if you want to hear the whole thing by searching "Nadia Boylz-Weber Forgiveness."  Here's what I took away from her words:

We can be connected to past hurt and mistreatment like a chain. (oh my WORD! yes!!!!That's EXACTLY what it feels like! A heavy chain!)

Forgiveness is not an act of NICENESS, it's not being a doormat. (Agree...but shouldn't I take a stand against the "wrong" that's been done to me?)

Retaliation and holding onto hurt doesn't actually combat evil...maybe it feeds it. (WHAAAAAAAAT??? well...maybe so... I guess it makes sense... since the hurt I hold onto causes me increasingly more pain as time passes...)

What if forgiveness is actually a way of yielding bolt cutters and snapping the chain that links us to that mistreatment and hurt? (SHUT UP! Are you SERIOUS?? I haven't thought of it this way! YES! But HOW???)

What if it's saying "What you did was so NOT okay that I refuse to be connected to it any longer"? (oh.....wow.... so what if "I forgive you is NOT saying "what you did is excusable? What if it REALLY is saying "What you did was completely not okay... SO not okay that I refuse to be tied to it any more. That's really good stuff)

FREE people aren't controlled by the past.

FREE people are not easily offended.

FREE people are not chained to resentment.

THAT's worth fighting for. (Ummmmm...YEAH!!!!!!)

And so... I finally wrote a letter...actually I wrote a few sentences...but it was enough. I said what needed to be said.

Most importantly, I forgave. Before I wrote those few sentences, I forgave... completely and totally...deep down in my soul. I opened that imaginary box where all my baggage was kept, let out all those old hurtful memories, and...just let them go.

Know what?

It feels really good.

Just my thoughts (and some of Nadia Boylz-Weber's)

K

Wednesday's Weekly Recipe - Greek Salad

I have not tried this one but oh my goodness it looks so amazingly yummy!

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 cup red onion , (58g) 1/8 inch thick slices
• 7 tablespoons red wine vinegar , (105ml) divided
• 8 cups romaine lettuce , (234g, 8 ounces) 3/4 inch thick pieces
• 3/4 cup green bell pepper , (88g) 3/4 inch dice
• 1 cup english cucumber , (143g) 1/4 inch dice
• 1 cup tomatoes , (160g) 1/2 inch thick wedges
• 1/2 cup pitted kalamata olives , (64g)
• 4 ounces feta cheese , (114g) 1/4 inch cubes
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice , (15ml)
• 1 teaspoon dijon mustard , (5ml)
• 1 teaspoon honey , (5ml) optional
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic , (7g)
• 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil , (120ml)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Add sliced red onions and 1/4 cup red wine vinegar to a small bowl. Allow to sit for about 15 minutes, then drain. Meanwhile, prepare the rest of the salad.
2. In a large bowl add lettuce. Evenly arrange green bell pepper, cucumber, tomatoes, drained red onions, kalamata olives and feta cheese on top of the salad.
3. In a medium-sized bowl combine 3 tablespoons red wine vinegar, lemon juice, dijon mustard, honey if using, garlic, oregano, salt, and pepper.
4. Slowly drizzle in the olive oil into the dressing mixture, vigorously whisking until a thickened dressing is achieved. Season with salt and pepper as desired.
5. If not serving dressing right away, whisk again right before adding to salad as it may separate over time.
6. Serve salad with dressing on the side, or toss to combine before serving.

Tuesday Tips and Tricks - Thank you

Sometimes the best tips are pretty simple. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of things that I know I should be doing.

August was a huge month for me here at ITB.

Monday Motivation

Sunday Scripture: Ephesians 6:13

I love the image of standing firm. Committed. Confident. Not arrogant or prideful, but confident... not in myself or my ability, but in God and His. I especially love the image of standing firm AFTER a battle.

Therefore, put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything to stand. Ephesians 6:13


Much love and big hugs!
Have a great week!
K