When Feelings Scream Louder Than Facts

On July 19th I tried to kill myself. There's really no easy way to say that; no way to make it less offensive or shocking. I don't know that I will ever be able to say those words without hesitation. This wasn't a cry for help or a plea for attention. I fully intended to end my life. That was my only goal. I am still working through the answer(s) to the most asked question, which is of course, "Why??"

There is no easy answer. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, our church, and our community. I love my role as "pastor wife." I have lots of friends. There is really nothing I want to escape from...well, except for myself. Can't really escape myself. That's the one thing that I'm definitely stuck with. I'm still working thru all the things I don't like about me. That's a post for another day.

Another question that is often asked (although no one has asked me this to my face) is "How can a Christian commit suicide?"  I have asked this same question many times myself before July of this year. Now, my honest answer is that a Christian can feel hopelessness, despair, uncertainty, fear, and self loathing just like anyone else. A Christian can feel discouraged. A Christian can feel empty and alone. A Christian can feel overwhelmed by guilt. Being a Christian does not give a person super-powered immunity to the feelings that life's circumstances (and poor choices) bring with them. 

As a Christian, I also know that Jesus died for all my sin; I need not feel shame or guilt for the many ways I have fallen short of the Glory of God. As a Christian I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord; I can trust that God will work out all my circumstances so that my life brings Him glory. As a Christian, I know that God is, was, and is to come; I need not fear the future....God is already there. As a Christian, I know that Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly; I need not look outside God's protection for fulfillment. As a Christian, I know that  God does not give me a spirit of fear. As a Christian I know that I HAVE joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; these are MY gifts, given to me by the Holy Spirit. As a Christian, I know God will never leave me or forsake me. As a Christian, I absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. As a Christian I also know that in this world I will have trouble...but that I can find strength in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world.

A Christian can commit suicide just like a non-Christian when feelings scream louder than facts. 

The thing I forgot to remember is that feelings are NOT facts; they are not reliable; they are fickle; and they are easily manipulated by the enemy of our souls. (But that is another post for another day)

Today, a little over a month after I cut my arms, wrists, and hands in a effort to end my life, my feelings are still screaming. My heart hurts. My thoughts are scrambled. My emotions are all over the place. I am absolutely torn between what I know to be true (I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of the Universe and that Jesus Christ died to pay the penalty for my sin and rose again so that I can spend eternity in heaven) and what I feel (I am worthless, a failure, and the people I love and the world in general would be better off without me). What I KNOW and what I FEEL are very different things and I am struggling every day to give less voice to my feelings and more to what I know to be true of myself in relationship to Jesus Christ.

Along with the things I mentioned above, there are some other things I know for certain: 

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I'm still a bit foggy on most everything else. 

Much love and big hugs

K

I have said many times, but will remind you again, that "The Battle" I refer to in the title of this blog is the battle Satan wages against our souls. It is based on the scripture that describes the Armor of God, found in the Book of Ephesians.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17 (NIV)

If you skipped over the scripture, please stop here and go back and read it. Slowly. Hear what it is saying. I'll wait.

I don't know how long it will take me to get all that is in my head and heart into print. 

I trust you will be patient. 

As most of my readers know, I battled cancer twice (and won).  Most of that journey was recorded here in 2008 - 2011. I have often referred to those years as my time in "The Cancer Valley." I thought that was "my" battle. I thought that was the darkest valley I would travel through.

I was wrong.

It's now 2017, I am almost 6 years cancer free and I am without a doubt in the darkest valley I've ever known. I've been here for...a long time. I am wounded. Literally. I have been beaten and battered in more ways than I can express. My heart is heavy. My dreams are dark. My brain is clouded.  I honestly don't know when I will get to the other side of this...or if I will. 

If you know me or have read my writing for any length of time, you know that writing is my therapy. Everything seems to make more sense if I can just get it in print. I hope that will be the case with this. As with most everything I write, this is for me, but I am glad to share it with you. 

Starting Thursday, I will begin to post weekly, and in those posts will try my best to share what lead up to where I am today. After that, I hope to be able to share this journey to healing with you as I did when I battled cancer. It is my humble and earnest prayer that my journey will shed light on the reality of Satan's attack on Christians through Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide as I try to seek God's face, feel His presence, and find peace in the midst of this darkness. 

Until next time, 

Big hugs,

K