The hardest part of being a pastors wife is watching my pastor struggle. Being his wife allows me the blessing of being close to his heart. I am "on the inside". I know "the rest of the story". Sometimes that's really cool. Sometimes it knocks me to my knees.
I have never known a man seek the heart of God like Calvin does. He is just a man, and he is far from perfect, but he absolutely without question desires God's will in every aspect of his life. He grieves when God does not give him clear answers. He waits and suffers until God makes His will clear. Following God is as natural to him as breathing. The burning, all consuming desire in his heart to know God, to Follow God's will, and to lead God's church is evident to all who know him. He loves the church. He cherishes the church just as he cherishes our children. He knows that God has entrusted them to him...which brings me back to Calvin seeking the heart of God. Calvin truly puts what God wants for His church above anything else...above his own ambitions...above any of our own desires....He knows he will answer to God for how he leads His church and he takes that very seriously.
Most of the time, Calvin is alive, on fire, excited, and determined to share God's love for our congregation in a fresh way.
But there are times when the enormity of being the spiritual leader for such a diverse group weighs heavy on his heart. It is in these times that God reaches down and whispers to my pastors heart. I can always tell when He does, because Calvin is at peace. These are times when The Creator of Heaven and Earth takes a moment to speak to the heart of His pastor, not to give him a word for His people...He comes with a word for His Pastor...
"I love you"
"I am with you"
"I chose you"
"I am in control"
"Just follow me"
"Well done"
I don't know exactly what God whispers to Calvin's heart. I don't know if Calvin could put it into words. It's not something we talk about, but I know when it happens. Self doubt is replaced by confidence, not in himself, but in the One who guides him. "What if" is replaced with a calm assurance that things will be just as God intends them to be. Calvin is reminded that his job is to do what God says. That's all. God will take care of the rest.
It blesses my soul to know that the One who called Calvin to the life we lead takes time to whisper to his heart. It comforts me to know that God takes time to encourage the heart of my sweet pastor.
We all need to be affirmed. I never cease to be amazed at the love of my God, but I am left breathless when I am reminded that the great big God we serve takes time to affirm the heart of His pastor.
Hugs
K
