Last week I talked about my anxiety over giving my testimony at the gym.
The whole concept is to let the group know a little about who we are and why we're there.
I gave mine this morning. Not sure what I said... I was so nervous. Thought I might puke. Hope I mentioned God and gave Him the credit He's due. Hope everything made sense. At any rate, this is what I MEANT to say....
God has walked me through some really dark valleys. In my teens and twenties, I battled an eating disorder. I had cancer twice in my 30s. In my early 40s I had my gall bladder removed and nearly died. Less than 2 years ago I tried to end my life. I won't bore you with all the details of any of that, but I do want to say that I didn't try to end my life because I was unhappy or because I'd done something terrible or because something terrible had been done to me. I love my life. I love my people. I love God and all the many many ways he has blessed me. I had what they call a "Major Depressive Episode." I was convinced that my people would be better off with someone better than me, that I was a burden, a failure, and that nothing I did was ever going to be "good enough." I believed the only way to give them the wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend they deserve was to remove myself from their lives so that they would have the freedom to replace me. I did not have a plan to deal with recovering from a failed suicide attempt and that's been more difficult than fighting cancer. I'm not opposed to sharing more details, but I know not everyone is interested. If you are, please ask. I'll be glad to answer any questions. I think maybe if depression and suicide weren't such taboo subjects I might have gotten help sooner. All this is to say, God has walked me through some really dark valleys. He has taught me to fight and to be brave by relying on Him and trusting Him when things.. well, when things really stink. He has shown me time and time again that I'm not weak. He showed me that I am a fighter and I am strong...but when I look at me, that's not what I see. I want my outside to match my inside. That's why I'm up at 345 each morning and why I'm giving it all I've got 4 days a week. I want my body to reflect who God has grown me to be.
Just my thoughts...
K
