Get Fit Friday - 3 Month update

When I started this journey, I truly thought that my greatest need was to get healthy physically. Ok, honestly, I just wanted to be skinny.  I don't like my body. I don't like not being comfortable in my clothes...or my skin. I want my outside to match my inside... and the woman inside of me is not a fat girl. I look in the mirror and wonder "Who IS that?"

I quickly learned that there is still a lot going on in this head (and heart) of mine. Things are more complicated than they used to be. When I was younger, all I needed to do was make up my mind to lose some weight and it seemed to just disappear. Now I sabotage any effort I make to "get fit."

I discovered one reason for this sabotage a while back. It sounds silly. Maybe seeing it in print will help me get over myself. okay, here goes....

I like the protection that being fat offers.

Being fat is like having a protective barrier between me and the world. Yes, I realize that sounds absurd. Still, my blog, my thoughts, it is what it is.

Aside from the protection I think I feel from all this added weight, I am afraid that i wont be able to lose weight and look the way I think I should. (I'm afraid I will fail) So, rather than risk failing, I sabotage my weight loss efforts...as if failing intentionally makes failing okay somehow. (I never said I wasn't crazy)

Add to these, I have all sorts of other stuff rattling around in my heart and head that I just don't know what to do with. These are thoughts and feelings that make me uncomfortable, uneasy, confused, or even sad or angry. Historically, I have buried these so that I don't have to deal with them.  I've learned last year that things don't stay buried. They just don't. Not only that, but when they come roaring to the surface...well, it's no good.

This is where my questions came from on Thursdays. They are the thoughts and feelings that I've never REALLY addressed. I have answers to them all, but in most cases, they are the answers I believe I "should" give...and maybe not exactly what I believe to be true.

So yes, this IS all tied together with my journey to lose weight.

It's not enough to just go on a diet or go to the gym.

I want to LIKE me. I want to know who I am and what I'm about and I want to be totally okay with whomever I discover when I'm done digging into my thoughts and feelings.

I don't just want to be thin. I don't just want to be physically fit. I don't just want to weigh less.

I want to be WHOLE.

I truly believe that if I can get my mind, heart, and soul cleared up and simplified...if I can get all these buried thoughts, feelings, and emotions dug up and then put in their proper places... I don't think I will be fat anymore. I think I won't desire the protection being fat offers. I think I won't need the acute comfort and/or distraction food offers.

I do know that this starts with my relationship with God. There is a huge part of me that believes that all I need to do is just take that dirt encrusted trunk of memories, wrong beliefs (mostly about myself and other people), thoughts, feelings, and emotions and just give the whole thing to God once for all.   That part of me thinks that opening the trunk and shining light on all those things will only complicate matters.  Another part of me... a very small quiet part...believes that it would do me good to sit at the feet of Jesus and unpack my trunk. That little part of me believes that there is healing to be found in letting go of those individual hurts, fears, emotions, wrong beliefs, feelings and thoughts.

She thinks that it will be good to take them out, dust them off, address them one by one and let Jesus take them.

Well, that's all I have to say about that.

K

Thursday Thoughts on...successful and confident

A couple of weeks ago, I began writing about the paradigm shift I've experienced recently. 

Here's the shift... I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness nor am I responsible for anyone else's attitude...and more than that... no one is responsible for mine. 

A core belief from my childhood sounds something like this: 

"If anyone in your life is unhappy it is because you are not 'enough' OR you are 'too much' for them. If anyone in your life is unhappy, that means you should change."

I'm not sure where this came from, but I believed it in my very soul...until now.

I hope that, in time, I will be satisfied with and confident in who I am.  I hope that, in time, I will love what and who I love with no need to explain or defend either. 

I started a list of questions that I'm trying to answer over...well, however long it takes to get them all answered. I've discovered that I "know" the answers to all of them, but I 'm not sure I BELIEVE the answer I "know" is correct. So, I'm working through that; I'm looking past the answers I've always given to see what I really believe.

As with all my writing, this is for me. Writing gets my scrambled up thoughts and emotions into print and seeing them in print often helps me put them in proper perspective.  Anyway, here's this week's question and (hopefully) answer.

When do I feel successful?

When do I feel confident?

I'm going to combine these 2 because generally, when I feel one, I feel the other.

My biggest fear is failure. This has been my immediate response when asked "What are you afraid of?" since...well, since I can remember. I'm not sure what I think will happen if I fail. I don't suppose I'll fall dead if I fail at something. It's just that I have a difficult time separating "You failed at this," and "You are a failure." I don't want to be a failure.

I can honestly say that I don't fail often...if ever. This isn't because I'm exceptionally gifted, only that I am keenly aware of my limitations. I simply don't try things that offer "failure" as a real possible outcome.

I am also aware of what I do well and I feel confident when I tackle something I know I will succeed in doing. I feel successful when something turns out the way I imagined it in my mind.

Things that come to mind are....
Decorating for VBS
Organizing and planning a ladies event
Painting
Cleaning house (once i'm done)
Cooking (usually by a recipe)
Teaching (when I'm fully prepared)

That being said, I also get a huge sense of success and boosted confidence when I accomplish something I wasn't sure I could do. (This doesn't happen very often and is usually something forced on me rather than something I choose)  There is a sense of satisfaction that comes with that sort of accomplishment that I don't get any other time. There is a certain feeling of bravery and daring that comes with just attempting something I am not completely sure I can accomplish. I don't even have to be a huge success at whatever it is...just being brave enough to try something new is exhilarating.

I really haven't thought about this before. (at least not recently...or often)

Maybe I need to get out of my comfort zone more often.
There's a novel idea.

Come to think of it, that may have been part of my resolutions this year. I need to go back and look.

Just my thoughts,

K


I wanna know....

When do you feel successful?
When do you feel confident?
Do you eagerly try new things, without knowing whether or not you will accomplish what you set out to achieve?
Are you afraid to fail??
If not, how do you feel about failing?
What do you tell yourself when you don't succeed?

Other questions I'm pondering....

What determines my worth?
What is consistently causing me stress?

What do I really enjoy?

What do I NOT enjoy?

What do I LIKE about me?

What do I truly value?

What is holding me back?

What will make my life easier?

Wednesday's Weekly Recipe: Southern Fried Apples

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons ground cinnamon
4 Granny Smith apples - peeled, cored, and sliced

Directions:

Melt butter in a large skillet over medium heat; stir sugar and cinnamon into the hot butter. Add apples and cook until apples begin to break down, 5 to 8 minutes.

I like mine over ice cream 



Enjoy!

Tuesday Tips and Tricks

All you need to give your black clothes a boost is a cup of coffee!

Black clothes go with absolutely everything. Black dresses, black pants, black shirts; we can’t get enough of buying them! The downside is that their black colour often fades pretty quickly… After a couple of washes they’ve already gone from black to a sort of darkish grey, which is a pity. Luckily, there’s an easy trick to fix that!

This trick is super easy and budget-proof!

Coffee

There’s no need to throw out your faded black jeans – that would be such a waste! We’ve got a very simple trick that will have your faded black clothes back to their original pitch black colour in no time. All you need is two cups of black coffee, a washing machine and the black item of clothing in question. You might have your doubts, but after this treatment your clothes will be as good as new!

This is how you do it:

Put the clothes you want to use this trick on in the washing machine. Make sure you only wash black items of clothing and don’t add clothes in any other colour! Add two cups of black coffee to the machine. We recommend making some extra strong coffee for an extra black colour. Put your machine on the rinse cycle and you’ll notice your clothes will come out black as the night! The coffee functions as a natural clothes dye. Light colours will turn brown if you use coffee, but with black fabrics the dark colour will only be enhanced.

Motivation Monday

We get caught up in doing lots of stuff to "better ourselves" when the BEST thing we can do is deepen our relationship with God.

We stress to know His will for our lives.
We struggle to know His plan for us.
Sometimes we fight against what we know He wants of us and for us.
Often we go through life with little consideration of God at all, save Sunday mornings.

On my journey to find peace and purpose in my post - suicide attempt life, I'm learning that the only time I really have peace is when I am surrendered to Christ. I can't honestly even say "completely" surrendered...but I am working toward that. Likewise, the only time I have clam confidence about my purpose in life is...you guessed it... when I am surrendered to Christ.