More thoughts on Psalm 139:13-14

I've shared my thoughts on Psalm 139, specifically verses 13 and 14 a few times over the past months. I shared that I am not sure how to sort thru all the many masks I have put on in (often failed) attempts to become someone that the people in my life value. For as long as I can remember, I have (often unconsciously)  modified my behavior, likes, dislikes, etc. based on what I believe someone I love wants/needs me to be...so, I guess I wear lots of masks.

As I've said before, I can't get Psalm 139 out of my mind. Through all my musings on my failed suicide attempt and the aftermath of trying to die, I haven't said much about where God fits into all this. I know, and hope I mentioned somewhere along the way, that at the time I tried to take my life, I was very far from God. Several seemingly insignificant things slowly pulled me away from Him and the Savior I love dearly until the truths I base my life on were very very far away. I know that my suicide attempt was not of God. I have no doubt that Satan's minions waited for the perfect opportunity to take me out and I believe that, had the Holy Spirit not interfered, they would have succeeded. As I have said many times, my suicide attempt was not a cry for help or attention. I truly wanted to die. Nothing else.

All that being said, I have spent the past months searching for answers, for hope, for clarity, for...ANYTHING that will help me move beyond this darkness. So far, nothing has helped. I fight through each day, have gotten back in the "groove" of smiling and telling everyone that I'm "good" (which is what everyone wants to hear), but it's a daily struggle. I feel so BROKEN. My soul aches. There is no other way to describe the only feeling I have these days other than "my soul aches." Something is wrong and I NEED to know what it is so that I can fix it. 

I feel like there is a thick stone wall in my mind...or heart....or something. It is unpenetrable thus far. In therapy, we hit it over and over again. When I am alone (which is VERY rare for obvious reasons)  and try to sort through my thoughts and feelings, I hit it. I don't know if it is protecting me or hindering me, but I believe that if I could only get to the other side of that wall, I would be whole.

So, I am left with a puzzle. I've been trying to work it out since before I tried to kill myself. Something is missing. Something doesn't fit. Something is WRONG in me and I need for it to be RIGHT.

I think that maybe the missing piece is in Psalm 139. God knit me together. The same God who made the rushing waterfalls that I love so much, created me. He created me just the way He wanted me to be in order to accomplish whatever He desires to accomplish thru me. Maybe I have changed too much for that to happen. It's possible I suppose. Maybe I have worked so hard to be who I think the people I love want/need me to be that I have lost who GOD created me to be. I think that maybe finding THAT woman would make all this other mess less...messy. 

Perry wants me to get in touch with my inner child. I think I killed her. I'm not kidding. I think she's gone. Maybe I didn't kill her. There is a short list of possible suspects if I didn't do it myself. Anyway, I think that is a lost cause. I think she's gone. 

I do think that there might be some way for me to realize who I am without all the masks though. Maybe. I sure hope so. 

IF God knit me together (and I believe He did), that carries a very different connotation than simply having a bunch of DNA thrown in a blender. In the blender scenario, we'd just have to hope everything came out all right. BUT if God KNIT me together...That is all together different. Knitting takes time and patience and creativity...and love. 

I need to find the part of me who was "me" before "the world" changed me into who I am today...I need to find the "me" that God knit together. Maybe that is "self" or "inner child"...I don't know. I just know that's what I need to connect with. 

I have no idea how to do that, but I will share the journey. Hopefully it will carry us out of this valley. 

Until then, I appreciate your willingness to sit with me in the dark.

Much love and BIG hugs!

K

Support Group for those who try to die and don't succeed...

I'm discouraged. I'm frustrated. I might even go so far as to day that I am irritated.

I don't want to be in counseling forever. I mean, Perry is great. I couldn't ask for better. I like counseling. It is serving me well. I just don't want to be in counseling forever.

I thought that a good transition would be a support group. It would be nice to talk to people who have been where I am now and have gotten out of this valley. It would be good to talk to other people who actually feel the same things I do. While I appreciate counseling, Perry doesn't know how I FEEL. It would be nice to talk to someone who gets it.

I have searched for such a group for a few weeks now. There are support groups for everything it seems...alcoholics, drug addicts, families of both of those, battered women, cancer patients, the list seems endless...

Until you get to "Suicide Survivors."

Well that's not exactly true either... there ARE groups for the families who survive someone who has committed suicide. Just not any for someone like me...who tried to die and didn't.

It is surprising and frustrating to me. Here are some of the responses I got from my inquiries at local hospitals and treatment centers:

"I hate that you haven't been able to find a group or a community to bond with during this time.  It has been my observation that, generally speaking, our specific culture does not value support groups (other than the ones you mention) as a whole.  Not sure why, but the group phenomenon has not been well accepted here.  I am unaware of any suicide survivor support groups, but I will poke around and see if I can find anything." 

"I received your email today and wanted to follow up with you concerning a support group for individuals struggling with depression and thoughts or attempts of suicide.  I would like to talk with you more specifically about your needs because although we only offer inpatient treatment for suicidal thoughts/plans, we do work with a network of providers in an outpatient setting.  There are some support groups but they may not be applicable to you. Inpatient treatment is always best for those dealing with suicide.  Always remember the Suicide Prevention Hotline #800-273-8255 is available to help."

"I am sorry that your experience has been what it has.  Unfortunately, this is a story that is familiar to us.  Especially in a place like Mississippi, the resources are extremely limited.  Though we technically do not have a suicide-specific group, we do offer a mental health track, which has a completely different focus than our night group, which does specifically address addiction and substance issues/diagnoses.  We would love to get you scheduled for an assessment and leave the choice in your hands as to whether or not you think Imagine would be an appropriate fit for your needs. "  

"Good Afternoon, we do not have specifically a group for suicide survivors, however the group we do have focuses on and explores many aspects of mental health"

"First of all, I am so glad you are doing better at this moment.  I am thankful for all the help you have received.  I am sure you know your journey is not over so I applaud you for seeking other avenues of help.  We completely agree with you that depression and suicidal thoughts are of the utmost importance to treat as a primary health issue and that is why we focus on issues such as that in our inpatient treatment. We do not have outpatient programs for those struggling with suicide."

Perhaps you can understand my frustration.
Let's look at the statistics again....
These stats are from 2015, but everything I have read talks about concern over the continuing increase year over year.
These are the most current stats, updated on the NIMH website in March of this year...

Someone kills themselves in the US every 11.9 minutes.

In 2015, 44,193 deaths were ruled a suicide

Suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in 2015 (Homicide was 16th)
The suicide rate for people my age (45-54) rose from 16.5 in 2005 to 20.3 in 2015.
In 2015, this age group made up 26.2% of the population, but 37.3% of the suicides

In that same year, there were 1,104,825 reported failed suicide attempts
   That translates into someone ATTEMPTING to kill themselves every 29 SECONDS in the US

It's not just me. I am not the only one struggling to find some sort of normalcy after trying to end my life.

I don't need to be hospitalized again. (my experience with that was that it was focused on addicts as well, but that is a post for another day) I just want to not feel so alone in this. I want to know how others deal with the aftermath.

I'm still looking....


Much love and BIG hugs!
K

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made...Revisited

I'm stuck on this verse. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

I have a difficult time seeing myself as a wonderful thing that God created. 

It is interesting to me that I have such a difficult time loving myself; that I so easily compare my weaknesses to others' strengths; that I see the best in others, yet the worst in myself. It is interesting to me that I can totally believe that the same One who created the things in nature that bring me so much joy also created me, yet not see myself as wonderfully created. It seems as though I resent the things about me that are different, unique, or quirky...which really makes no sense, being that I so appreciate the uniqueness of the other things God has created.

I enjoy the beach.

Well, being completely transparent... 

I enjoy reclining on the balcony of a condo with a good book, far above (and separated from) the crowd on the beach.  I love the roar of crashing waves, the call of seagulls, all the other sounds carried on the constantly blowing Gulf breeze.  I am fascinated by the ocean's graduating hues of blues and greens that are visible from my vantage point high above the beach. I love the feel of the hot sun and the salty sea air on my skin. I do NOT enjoy the crowds of sunbathers and sandcastle builders, and because of that, I shy away from the ocean. 

HOWEVER, I do think that a secluded beach, far away from the crowds I so often try to avoid, would be a wonderfully peaceful place to be. I image relaxing with a good book, with the ocean breeze in my hair and the warmth of the sun on my skin, listening to the waves and the birds...far removed from the chaos that is my daily life. Yes, I think that would be quite nice. 

If you know me or have visited here often, you know that waterfalls are by far my absolute favorite things in nature. Even so, I cannot imagine sitting on the secluded beach pictured above and resenting the ocean because it isn't a waterfall. 

God, in His wisdom, created all things uniquely beautiful. 

I have spent all my life trying to be or become what I believe is valuable to others. When I stop and consider how God knit me together, I...well, I'm not sure how to describe how that feels. A heaviness settles on me and I feel...sad, lost, unsettled... because I work tirelessly to be what I believe the people in my life want or need me to be and what  I think I "should be," and I think I have, over time,  lost sight of who I AM.

Perhaps it's time to be the woman God created me to be instead of trying so hard to be who I think others want me to be....which brings up a question:

How do I sort through all the ways I've changed to meet others' expectations and find the person God knit together? 


Much Love and Big Hugs!
K