Fearfully and Wonderfully Made...Revisited

I'm stuck on this verse. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

I have a difficult time seeing myself as a wonderful thing that God created. 

It is interesting to me that I have such a difficult time loving myself; that I so easily compare my weaknesses to others' strengths; that I see the best in others, yet the worst in myself. It is interesting to me that I can totally believe that the same One who created the things in nature that bring me so much joy also created me, yet not see myself as wonderfully created. It seems as though I resent the things about me that are different, unique, or quirky...which really makes no sense, being that I so appreciate the uniqueness of the other things God has created.

I enjoy the beach.

Well, being completely transparent... 

I enjoy reclining on the balcony of a condo with a good book, far above (and separated from) the crowd on the beach.  I love the roar of crashing waves, the call of seagulls, all the other sounds carried on the constantly blowing Gulf breeze.  I am fascinated by the ocean's graduating hues of blues and greens that are visible from my vantage point high above the beach. I love the feel of the hot sun and the salty sea air on my skin. I do NOT enjoy the crowds of sunbathers and sandcastle builders, and because of that, I shy away from the ocean. 

HOWEVER, I do think that a secluded beach, far away from the crowds I so often try to avoid, would be a wonderfully peaceful place to be. I image relaxing with a good book, with the ocean breeze in my hair and the warmth of the sun on my skin, listening to the waves and the birds...far removed from the chaos that is my daily life. Yes, I think that would be quite nice. 

If you know me or have visited here often, you know that waterfalls are by far my absolute favorite things in nature. Even so, I cannot imagine sitting on the secluded beach pictured above and resenting the ocean because it isn't a waterfall. 

God, in His wisdom, created all things uniquely beautiful. 

I have spent all my life trying to be or become what I believe is valuable to others. When I stop and consider how God knit me together, I...well, I'm not sure how to describe how that feels. A heaviness settles on me and I feel...sad, lost, unsettled... because I work tirelessly to be what I believe the people in my life want or need me to be and what  I think I "should be," and I think I have, over time,  lost sight of who I AM.

Perhaps it's time to be the woman God created me to be instead of trying so hard to be who I think others want me to be....which brings up a question:

How do I sort through all the ways I've changed to meet others' expectations and find the person God knit together? 


Much Love and Big Hugs!
K