Surviving

November 22, 2021

 I just read my last blog. I was pretty hopeful that day... at least I was trying to sound hopeful. I can't remember how I felt that day. Usually, re-reading my words takes me back to where I was when I wrote them... but I didn't have that experience this morning. Maybe I wanted to be more hopeful than I actually was that day. Whatever I was feeling on July 27th that prompted me to write that hope-filled post, it was short lived.

I haven't written or painted since then. 

Honestly, I haven't done much of anything...just  survived. Day by day, minute by minute - that's what life has become over the past 10 years... just surviving. I  spend each day putting one foot in front of the other. I have adopted a habit of encouraging myself, which helps.

"Just get out of bed. Laying here will just make you have to rush and you know how you hate to rush. Just get up. You can do this. Get out of bed. That's all you have to do right now. Just get up and get some caffiene. You have plenty of time to let it do its job. Dont worry about anything else right now. Just get out of bed."

"Just get your shower. You know it will make you feel better. You can have a good cry. It's okay. Noone will know. Okay - now you have to get out of the shower or you are gonna be late."

"Spend some time on your hair. That's non-negotiable. Your hair is the one thing you still have going for you and having your hair fixed makes you look like you care- and put on some make up. Like Nan says - You might feel better if you put on a little lipstick."

Truth be told, once I get the outside looking like everything is okay, the inside can just stay on auto pilot. No one asks "how are you?" or "are you okay today?" if everything on the outside looks like it's supposed to.

The rest of my day is made up of "just do the next thing" ...

Go to work

Do what Blake and Gage need me to do

Try to be helpful

Go home

Do something to pass the time until I can sleep - and pray that sleep comes quickly and easily.

Dreamless nights are the best nights, when I just slip off into nothingness and stay there... until the alarm goes off.

The past 10 years have been an endless cycle of just getting thru the time between waking up and going to sleep.

I don't know what happened that changed me. I don't remember any one traumatic event that changed me from someone who creates to someone who survives...but something happened. Something killed me sometime in my very early 40s and I have spent the time since then waiting to stop breathing so that this can be over. Living was easy. Surviving is hard.

I don't want to continue on like this. 

There was a time when I wrote what I felt. I just opened up my soul and let the words flow. I didn't go back and spell check or grammar check or try to make sure that any of it even made sense. I just opened up and bled over the keyboard. When I read the words I wrote back then, I can remember how I felt when I wrote them. When I read what I've written over the past 10 years, I feel nothing. I don't think I've been honest. I think I've written what I want people to read- tried to project the image of me that I want them to see. 

I don't want to do that anymore.

I keep saying that I started writing for me. "In the Battle" started out as my way to put words to my feelings as I battled cancer - and so may other things. My battles got harder - so much harder than cancer - and it wasn't as easy to come up with acceptable words to describe my feelings. So, instead I tried to be a point of encouragement - but I simply don't have it in me to encourage anyone anymore. 

I need the freedom to open up my soul and let the words bleed out.

I'm not sure how to do this. Writing is my outlet. Writing is how I sort thru the stuff that traffic-jams my brain. Writing is how I remember who I am and why I'm here. What I need to write - what I need to work thru  - isn't really anything that anyone else needs to read... at least not until I get to the other side of it. 

So I think I may blog without publishing - at least for a while.

That being said - if you are reading this - whenever it is published - 

Thanks for sitting with me in the dark.

Big hugs - 

K

I have said many times, but will remind you again, that "The Battle" I refer to in the title of this blog is the battle Satan wages against our souls. It is based on the scripture that describes the Armor of God, found in the Book of Ephesians.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17 (NIV)

If you skipped over the scripture, please stop here and go back and read it. Slowly. Hear what it is saying. I'll wait.

I don't know how long it will take me to get all that is in my head and heart into print. 

I trust you will be patient. 

As most of my readers know, I battled cancer twice (and won).  Most of that journey was recorded here in 2008 - 2011. I have often referred to those years as my time in "The Cancer Valley." I thought that was "my" battle. I thought that was the darkest valley I would travel through.

I was wrong.

It's now 2017, I am almost 6 years cancer free and I am without a doubt in the darkest valley I've ever known. I've been here for...a long time. I am wounded. Literally. I have been beaten and battered in more ways than I can express. My heart is heavy. My dreams are dark. My brain is clouded.  I honestly don't know when I will get to the other side of this...or if I will. 

If you know me or have read my writing for any length of time, you know that writing is my therapy. Everything seems to make more sense if I can just get it in print. I hope that will be the case with this. As with most everything I write, this is for me, but I am glad to share it with you. 

Starting Thursday, I will begin to post weekly, and in those posts will try my best to share what lead up to where I am today. After that, I hope to be able to share this journey to healing with you as I did when I battled cancer. It is my humble and earnest prayer that my journey will shed light on the reality of Satan's attack on Christians through Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide as I try to seek God's face, feel His presence, and find peace in the midst of this darkness. 

Until next time, 

Big hugs,

K

Under Attack

 

Have you ever had those days where everything falls into place and you cant help but stand in amazement at what God has done? I had one of those days not too long ago. God opened doors and absolutely blessed me beyond anything I could have expected. He is so good to me!

 

Have you noticed that Satan likes to jerk the rug out from under you when you have those really great days? It amazes me that Satan gets me EVERY time! It doesn't matter if I am expecting it or not. If I'm not expecting it, he blindsides me. If I am expecting it, he always finds the one place that I am weak. I VERY much understand the imagery in 1 Peter 5:8 of a lion prowling around looking to devour me. Really. I do.

 

I believe in prayer and I believe in worship and I believe in being prepared for Satan's attack. Because this particular day was SO great, I thought I best be prepared for Satan to knock me on my tail.  His attack is often in the mind, so I wanted to fill my mind with Jesus. I listened to the Praise and Worship station on Pandora while I prepared supper, folded laundry, and did the floors. By the time I  had my prayer time and got ready for bed, my heart was worshipping my Lord. I was filled with joy and peace. It was WONDERFUL!!! I fell asleep listening to Praise and Worship and thought "He's not gonna get me this time".

 

I won't go into detail, but the next morning started with a rude awakening at 4:30. Things really only got worse from there. It was a terrible morning. By 6:00 I was pretty sure that I had never done anything right in my entire life. By 7, I was equally sure that everything wrong in everyone else's was my fault as well.  By the time I was headed to work, I was devastated. I was wrecked.  I  acknowledged that Satan got me, and knew that God would help,  but I felt totally defeated. The more I listened to Satan's lies, the worse I felt.

 

Once I got to work and was able to focus on other things, I realized that just because Satan got me good does not mean that I am completely defeated. By mid-morning, I realized that Satan didn't really defeat me at all. He wrecked my morning, but God restored me before noon. Besides that, he really had to catch me off guard and wake me up at 4:30am to get to me!!!! 

 

While I was looking for a pic with 1 Peter 5:8 for this post, I found the image below.

It makes me smile.

 



 

 

From time to time I am reminded why I chose "In the Battle" as the title for this blog. Our recent ministry trip to New Orleans, LA, and a few things that have happened since we returned have reminded me once again that we are in a battle...every one of us.

 

In New Orleans, I met several people who, through various circumstances, have found themselves living on the street. There are more people in my life who have recently been diagnosed with cancer than I want to think about. One of our church members has a chronically ill 4 month old son. I have a friend facing bankruptcy and another facing divorce. At any given time, we can all make a long list of people in our lives who are obviously struggling with something.

 

You may read this and count yourself lucky. You may be thankful that you are not in the middle of a battle. Perhaps you are not fighting a battle for all the world to see. To me, unseen battles are much harder to fight than the types listed above. Perhaps you fight depression, anxiety, addiction, loneliness, anger, hatred, unforgivness, or bitterness. Perhaps you fight jealousy, lust, pride, envy, greed, or selfishness. Maybe you feel insignificant or left out.

 

There is a common thread that runs through all of these...the enemy who heaps these troubles on us. We are in battle, every one of us, but our battle is not against people or sickness or circumstance. I was reminded of this earlier today. My brother was telling me about an encounter my nephew had in Africa last summer. He came face to face with a demonic force and was so terrified that he stayed up all night praying. The comment was made that we don't see spiritual warfare here in the USA like they do in other places.

 

This has had me thinking all morning.

 

No, we don't experience spiritual warfare here in the States like they do elsewhere, but that is not because there is none going on. When someone like my nephew spends a summer as a missionary in Africa, his focus is on Christ and only Christ; His prayer life is rich; he is dependent on God's provision; he looks for any opportunity to share the love of Christ; he is completely separated from distractions like television, cell phone, laptop, etc...how very different from how we spend most of our days here in the States. How often do we stay up all night praying for God's protection against Satan and his minions? Truth be told, most days we are no threat to Satan. Most days. we are too busy living our lives to threaten his plans for anyone's eternity. I truly believe that we would see Spiritual warfare unleashed in full force if we, as Christians, made the commitment to live like missionaries. I believe it strongly enough that I admit I am hesitant to do so. I have in the past and suffered greatly. While I know that ultimately the Battle is the Lord's, I also know that no battle is without it's wounded.

 

All this is just a simple reminder of the importance of the battle....

 

Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength.  Put on the full armor of

God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil.  For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens.  This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand.  Ephesians 6:10-13