yes, this is another post on Psalm 139...

I'm still stuck on Psalm 139. 

I'm trying to make sense of where I am, where I've been...trying to figure out what to do to stop the ache in my soul. now 3 months past my attempt to end my life, I'm trying to figure out WHO I am, where my worth is found, what about me is valuable, and what purpose I have for being here. 

I keep asking myself "Who did God create you to be?" It is terribly difficult to dig beneath the surface where I am bombarded with the thoughts that have haunted me for years: 

• You are a failure
• You never get anything right
• You just aren't good enough
•  I don't love you
• You aren't what I want/need
• You have no purpose
• You are worthless
• You are a disappointment
• Why can't you just get your act together
• Why do you always have to be so "much"

(sigh)

This morning I am trying to silence those thoughts. I'm trying. The only way I know to silence them is with God's Word. Scripture is Truth. It does not change with emotion or circumstance. It just "is."

I am listening to Kevin Kern on Pandora and reading Psalm 139...trying to remember who I was before I started changing everything about me in an effort to be who I thought I "should" be. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

ALL the days ordained for me were written in Your book before ONE of them came to be. 

• the days I failed
• the days I sinned
• the days I cried
• the days I was mean
• the days I was hurt
• the days I fell

...the day I tried to kill myself?

If all the days were written, then all the days were written. Nothing is a surprise to God. 

So then, all the days that led up to the day I tried to die were also no surprise to God. Please understand, I am not saying that I believe he CAUSED any of my pain or that He tempted me to sin. I AM saying that I absolutely believe that God is ALL KNOWING and that he KNEW what I was going to do before I chose to do it. 

My thoughts are racing faster than my fingers can type.

If I believe that God knows all my days before I was even born (and I DO believe this), then God knew what I would need before I needed it. 

God knew...and He allowed all sorts of different things to make me who I am today. 

Maybe I don't need to figure out who I was BEFORE I changed. 

Maybe I need to figure out who I am BECAUSE I changed. 

Maybe God didn't stop "Knitting me together" once I was born. MAYBE He has been knitting me together all this time. 

Another verse comes to mind...Romans 8:28

For we know that with God all things work together for the good of those who Love Him, who are called according to His purpose. 

Maybe I am not as broken as I feel. Maybe all these things that I feel are flaws are really the things that God is using to work together for Good. 

Maybe I am who I'm supposed to be.

Could it be that I am exactly who God has created me to be in order to accomplish what He wants to accomplish through me... and Satan is the one telling me that I am broken and flawed? Could the voice that is constantly telling me who I "should be" be the voice of the enemy of my soul? 

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10)...

Oh wow...

Going to have to process this...

Much love and big hugs...

K

Committed...part 2

Yesterday I revisited my first hospital stay after I tried to die.

Today I will share a bit about my second hospital stay.

Before I delve off into this, let me clarify a few things. 

First, I do believe that every part of this journey was important and necessary. I think that every piece contributed to where I am today. 

Second, I have recently found out that there are hospitals better suited for a suicide patient than either of the ones I was admitted to. The two I stayed in are local, and logical choices. Even though I do not need inpatient treatment now, I am glad to know that there are better options. 

If  you find yourself in this valley, please seek professional help and seek help from a place that focuses on depression and suicide specifically. I didn't know to ask for this. I do now. My time in the hospital the second time was counter productive to my healing, but it made me realize that I am my best advocate; I am my best hope for getting the help I NEED.

Like I said...every piece of this journey has been important and necessary.

My second hospital stay was the result of me not agreeing to sign a contract with my first counselor stating that I would not harm myself. I wrote about that earlier and will not revisit it now.

Actually, all I want to say about this is that it is unfortunate that the powers that be think it is "good" to put someone who wants to die and who is not in any way shape or form addicted to alcohol or drugs in with patients who are being monitored while they "detox" so that they can be moved to long term care.

As with anything else, it wasn't perfect. I encountered staff who loved their job and were very helpful..and I encountered staff who treated me like a crazy drug addict (again...I do not drink or do any sort of drugs...at all...none). 

All in all, the only thing truly "wrong" with that stay was that I was in with drug addicts who were being detoxed. They were aggressive and angry. They acted out and yelled and screamed and turned over tables and chairs. They got in fights. They cursed and made threats. 

There were only 2 others in with me who were there for depression and I was the only one on suicide watch. 

Like I said, every part of this journey has been necessary. When I got out of the hospital the second time I knew I had to speak up fir what I needed. This is when I told Calvin that I wanted to see Perry for counseling.

As I have said before, that was a great decision.

I don't want to discourage ANYONE from being hospitalized. I wish I'd known to seek out a facility focused on failed suicide and depression. Of course every hospital will tell you that you can be admitted there. Make SURE that you do your research and find a hospital that will help YOU.  You are your best advocate to get the help you need. 

Let me close with this...

Wanting to die isn't normal or okay. If you feel this way, you DO need to seek out help. Seeking out help yourself will help you get the care you need since you KNOW yourself. IF you are struggling with addiction, you absolutely need to get help with that. You wont get well if you are addicted. If you do not drink and do not do drugs, you do not need to be in a rehab facility. 

The worst thing you can do is nothing. Get help. Find a counselor. If you truly want to kill yourself, commit yourself to a facility that can help you through this. Whatever you do...get help. Nothing is worth killing yourself over.

Much love and big hugs!

K

Committed

My family and close friends are able to laugh with me now over the fact that I am "officially certifiable"...having been committed not once, but twice. When I do something silly now,  I just tell them "You know I'm crazy..." to which they normally reply "Yep, certified."

It's nice to be able to joke about my time in the hospital, but my time there was no laughing matter.

Before I share my experience, I want to make absolutely clear that I believe that every piece of this journey was important and necessary. I NEEDED the time in the hospital to...to just STOP.

For a given number of days, I was safe. I was safe from myself. I had lots of positive influence. Multiple people asked how I felt all day every day.

 In the hospital, "Are you okay?" was certainly the most asked question and made me stop and consider..."AM I okay?"

I began to answer that with "I'm going to be" and I can honestly say that now I believe that.

My first stay in the hospital was okay. It gave me time to stop and consider where I was. Honestly, I was in SUCH a dark place. I was initially upset that I did not receive more counseling while I was there, but, looking back... I'm not sure that I was in any shape to be counseled. My mind was clouded, my thoughts were dark. They kept me alive. That's about all they could do with me at that point. I really don't remember much about my time there. I was there long enough to let everyone start to process what was going on without the fear of me hurting myself again. Again, I was safe while I was there.

Several things happened during my first hospital stay that were very important to my survival. First and foremost, I was prescribed medication. I thank God everyday for the medications that keep me somewhat sane.

The first night I was there, a lady asked me why I was there and said that I didn't look like I belonged there. I told her that I certainly belonged there and she said "So you're crazy like the rest of us, you just hide it better than we do."

Yeah, I guess that's true.

The day before I left, another lady asked me why I was there and I showed her my still bandaged arms. She said, "You're gonna be okay honey. You have a light about you. Jesus just shines through you...even in here." I wish I could remember her name. I would like to thank her. She definitely saw something in me that I didn't. I didn't feel light...only darkness.

That darkness only got darker in the weeks that followed... which lead to my time in the second hospital...

but that's too much to deal with today.

Maybe tomorrow...

Much love and Big hugs!
K