Yesterday I revisited my first hospital stay after I tried to die.
Today I will share a bit about my second hospital stay.
Before I delve off into this, let me clarify a few things.
First, I do believe that every part of this journey was important and necessary. I think that every piece contributed to where I am today.
Second, I have recently found out that there are hospitals better suited for a suicide patient than either of the ones I was admitted to. The two I stayed in are local, and logical choices. Even though I do not need inpatient treatment now, I am glad to know that there are better options.
If you find yourself in this valley, please seek professional help and seek help from a place that focuses on depression and suicide specifically. I didn't know to ask for this. I do now. My time in the hospital the second time was counter productive to my healing, but it made me realize that I am my best advocate; I am my best hope for getting the help I NEED.
Like I said...every piece of this journey has been important and necessary.
My second hospital stay was the result of me not agreeing to sign a contract with my first counselor stating that I would not harm myself. I wrote about that earlier and will not revisit it now.
Actually, all I want to say about this is that it is unfortunate that the powers that be think it is "good" to put someone who wants to die and who is not in any way shape or form addicted to alcohol or drugs in with patients who are being monitored while they "detox" so that they can be moved to long term care.
As with anything else, it wasn't perfect. I encountered staff who loved their job and were very helpful..and I encountered staff who treated me like a crazy drug addict (again...I do not drink or do any sort of drugs...at all...none).
All in all, the only thing truly "wrong" with that stay was that I was in with drug addicts who were being detoxed. They were aggressive and angry. They acted out and yelled and screamed and turned over tables and chairs. They got in fights. They cursed and made threats.
There were only 2 others in with me who were there for depression and I was the only one on suicide watch.
Like I said, every part of this journey has been necessary. When I got out of the hospital the second time I knew I had to speak up fir what I needed. This is when I told Calvin that I wanted to see Perry for counseling.
As I have said before, that was a great decision.
I don't want to discourage ANYONE from being hospitalized. I wish I'd known to seek out a facility focused on failed suicide and depression. Of course every hospital will tell you that you can be admitted there. Make SURE that you do your research and find a hospital that will help YOU. You are your best advocate to get the help you need.
Let me close with this...
Wanting to die isn't normal or okay. If you feel this way, you DO need to seek out help. Seeking out help yourself will help you get the care you need since you KNOW yourself. IF you are struggling with addiction, you absolutely need to get help with that. You wont get well if you are addicted. If you do not drink and do not do drugs, you do not need to be in a rehab facility.
The worst thing you can do is nothing. Get help. Find a counselor. If you truly want to kill yourself, commit yourself to a facility that can help you through this. Whatever you do...get help. Nothing is worth killing yourself over.
Much love and big hugs!
K
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