Easter Weekend 2009 part 1

I just love it when a plan comes together. I love it even more when I am allowed to be "on the inside" as the plan is laid out.
Last night, we observed the Lord's Supper and the choir led worship. I do not believe anyone attending the service could have possibly walked away saying that they went to Pearson's "Easter Cantata" or "Choir Special" or "Easter Musical". Last night was so much more than an "Easter program".
The powerful message of the Cross was overwhelming as we watched Christ be crucified while the Choir sang "He Chose the Cross". The entire service lead up to the Lord's Supper and by that time, I know I was not the only one who was overcome with the enormity of Christ's sacrifice and the sacredness of His command to "Remember" each time we partake of the bread and the wine.
There was a spirit of reverence and of awe last night that I have not experienced in ages. I truly believe that we were there to meet Christ last night, and we did.
For those that know Joshua and Calvin, and for those that feel committed to pray for God's Leaders, please pray fervently for them. Things are happening in our little church. There is excitement in our church family. I do not expect Satan to sit idly by and allow our sweet little congregation to grow. Please pray with me that our leaders will continue to keep Christ first and that they will not allow Satan to discourage them.
Happy Easter!
Hugs,
K

Where I am....now

In March I wrote a Post titled "Where I am". I hate where I was then, but am so glad I put that "rough spot" into words. Actually, I am glad I wrote about the past 8 months because now it all seems like a dream. I am tempted to say "oh, it wasn't that bad". I am dangerously tempted to say "I was never closer to God than when I had cancer"...ooh! That is a dangerously prideful statement to make. Truth is, there were times that I was closer to My Father than I have ever been...but there were also times that I was painfully far from Him as well. There are sweet moments with my Father when I rested in his embrace and just waited for Him to heal me. There was also a time when I threw a temper tantrum that any 2 year old would be envious of. There were times when I felt God so close to me that I could hear His heart beat and feel the warmth of His breath...but there were also times when I felt completely and utterly devastatingly alone. In all those moments, the only thing that changed was "me". God never changed. His plan never changed. He never wavered in His love or support. HE remained constant and steadfast and sure the entire time. My feelings and emotions changed, God stayed the same. That is important to remember.

I am glad that I was prompted, pushed, and ordered by family and friends to "keep writing" through those dark times. It is a good reminder of what happens to my heart when I take my eyes off Christ. Looking back, I do not believe that God ever left my side. I truly believe He walked through those darkest times with me. It was when I took my eyes off of Him and brought the focus on myself that the darkness absolutely overwhelmed my soul. What grief I would have been spared and what burden would have been lifted if only I had stayed focused on HIM rather than myself! The circumstances would have been the same, but my experience would have been drastically different had I kept my eyes on my Savior. That is also something to remember!

Looking back on the past 8 months, they really don't seem that bad. Seems like they went by in a flash. SEEMS like that road was nothing more than a short detour. I am so thankful that my natural tendency to write overrode any desire to be a "good preacher's wife" and pretend like everything was always "fine". I never want to forget how My Father held me, pushed me, let me struggle, and then carried me through various legs of that journey. I never want to forget the complete peace and indescribable comfort I found in HIS embrace when I had cancer. I never want to forget the brokenness in my soul that was a result of me taking my eyes off of Him and focusing on myself.

I had hoped that, when this was all over, I would know "why" I had cancer. I had hoped that someone would come to know Christ because they walked this road with me. I had hoped that some one's faith would be renewed or restored by walking this road along side me. I had hoped for something amazing to happen in some one's life so that I could say "this is why I had cancer". In reality, it was me who needed to know Christ more intimately. In reality, it was me whose faith needed to be deepened and broadened and stretched. In reality, it was in ME that something amazing and wonderful happened. I have, over the past 8 months, walked hand in hand with my Creator through the darkest valleys of my life thus far...and He has proved faithful to His word. He never left me. He never forsook me. He never slept. He held me in the palm of His hand and sang songs over me. He comforted me and soothed me and drew me to Himself.

I wanted so much for my journey to impact some one's life "out there". I wanted so much to encourage someone, to help others through their dark times. Most of all I wanted to show Christ to someone. I wanted to show the "world" what a relationship with Christ can really be like. I wanted the "world" to see that to know Christ is not the same as doing all the right things and going to church every time the doors are open. Knowing Christ is walking with Him every day, through every battle, every victory, every defeat. I was sure that I had cancer so that God could speak to someone "out there" through me. How much more prideful could I possibly be? I needed sifting. There were some impurities in my soul that had to be sifted out....pride being the main one.

When I started this blog, it was before I knew I would be battling cancer. The "Battle" in the title actually refers to the Battle we all fight every day.

Ephesians 6:11-13 (New International Version) says...
11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Hugs,

K

HAPPY DANCIN

I am in shock. I am stunned and dumbfounded.
Dr Schweinfurth e-mailed me this afternoon and the cancer is gone. Pathology was COMPLETELY BENIGN. No cancer, no dysplasia...COMPLETELY BENIGN! I cannot even begin to express what I am feeling. Complete and utter relief, absolute Joy, but most of all gratefullness. What perfect timing. God has brought me out of this dark valley just in time to see the Easter Sunrise!!!!!!!!!
I am SOOO doin the Happy Dance!
Hugs all around!
K

Thursday...2 days post op

Well....the waiting is the hardest part. I really have nothing to say except that I REALLY wish I knew what the pathology results are. Good or bad, we can move on once we know. If they are good, we can get on with celebrating. If they are bad, we can figure out what the next steps are.
oh well, I guess I'll be waiting a while longer....

4th surgery - day 2

Ahhhhh! Peace and quiet. Calvin is at work, Brian is at school, Izzy and mom in law are at Mom in law's house, Hershey and Snicker are sleeping in the kennel. No one is asking me questions. It is quiet and I can relax. There is just something "wrong" about not talking when folks are talking to you. Mama always said it's rude to not speak when spoken to. I'm not sure if that is what stresses me out or not, but I am definitely much more relaxed now that I am alone.
I am still amazed at how "normal" I feel after this surgery. I don't think I was "under" for even an hour and I am sure that helps.
So, now we are just waiting to see what the pathology says. I e-mailed Dr S and asked if he'd call me when he gets the results. I think I forgot to ask him yesterday. I can't imagine him NOT calling me though.
It sure would be nice to get the all clear this time. It sure would be nice to know that this is over. Still any regression will be cause for celebration. Regression would be a diagnosis of any level of Dysplasia. I think that, from where we started, moderate Dysplasia will be a great report.
It's still hard to believe that I can feel totally fine and not be fine at all. Before cancer, I could use my body as a good indication of whether or not something was wrong. Now, it is not my body that tells me whether or not I am okay, it is the pathology report. Everything rides on the pathology report.
While I am cautiously optimistic that this report will be a good one, I am also aware that it might not be. It is hard to accept that cancer just kind of does what it wants. While we are doing all the right things to combat my cancer, it has not yet given any indication that we are beating it. We did get ahead of it in the fact that it had not moved into the lymph nodes before we took them out. Other than that, I still have no idea what it is going to do next. That's frustrating to me.
So, the best news we could get from pathology is, of course "all clear".
Good news would be that the cancer has "regressed" to some level of Dysplasia.
Okay news would be that it is still CIS and is still only on the right cord.
Bad news would be that it has again progressed to Invasive Carcinoma or that there is now cancer somewhere else, in the tissue above the cords or on the left cord. I don't know what the tumor board would recommend if it progresses again.
No matter what it is, all we can do right now is wait. While I am waiting, I am totally basking in the wonderfullness of the blessing of a perfect recovery from surgery. I feel great and am so very thankful for that!
If we get a good pathology report, I plan to go on back to work on Monday. If we do not get a good report and I need to get more tests run, i will wait until all those are done before I go back. That will give me time to adjust to whatever the news is. No matter how "okay" I am with all of this...and I really am okay, sometimes my emotions betray me. No matter what happens, my faith isn't shaken, I am still totally trusting that God's got this and that I don't have to worry. I still believe that my only duty is to keep walking this road and keep giving Him glory at every turn. BUT, if the pathology report is bad, it takes a little while for my emotions to get back in line with my faith.
BUT until I get the report, i am going to enjoy a few days off of work!

thanks again to everyone for your prayers and well-wishes!
hugs
K

4th surgery/ day 1

Sometimes it takes something really bad to make me realize how blessed I truly am. Now that I have said that, I am thinking of so many more things other than what I intended to get on "paper" tonight.
What I was going to write about is the simple fact that I truly feel completely normal after this surgery. It is amazing! No headache, no grogginess, no nausea, no crankiness, no pain to speak of- other than the expected sore throat. Really, it is like I did not even have surgery today! I am totally amazed! But, all things are relative and the LAST surgery included the neck dissection and THAT was bad...so, this is nothing compared to that.
Other things that I am grateful for today...
My over-the-top mom in law. I couldn't have a better one. That sweet lady will do absolutely anything for us. She kept my babies last night and stayed with me this afternoon and is spending the night here tonight. I am sure she will stay with me tomorrow if we ask her to. She is completely selfless. I have never met anyone else like her. It is no wonder Calvin is so amazing. He has a GREAT mom.
Calvin is the other "thing" that is a true blessing to me. That poor man has been through it with me the past several months. He takes every step down this road that I do and patiently watches as God grows my faith. I am sure that there are times he wants to shake some sense to me, but he is patient, loving, understanding, and completely devoted. I could not have a better husband.
My Brian is my gift from God. What I did to earn enough favor with God for Him to entrust that precious boy to me escapes me. Brian is going to do HUGE things for God. He is wise beyond his years. I love to watch him grow in his relationship with his creator. The 10 year old smart mouth, I could do without, but I remember being worse to my mom than he is to me!
Little Izzy is like a ray of sunshine in our lives. She brightens my every day with her outlook on life. She is fearless and does everything full speed. She is independent and brave. She is just one cool little girl. She has brought spunk and excitement to our lives.
God has given me the BEST friends. I have not had a close group of friends in years, but over the past few years, God has blessed me with godly women who are willing to overlook (or point out when needed) my many flaws and make the sacrifices necessary to be my friends. You know who you are and I want you to know that I absolutely could not make it through life without you. You are a blessing to me in more ways than you can ever know.
As thankful as I am for all of these people and relationships, the one relationship that makes every day worth living is my relationship with Christ. He is my savior. My Savior! He loves me despite my thoughts, fears, angry outbursts, doubts, frustrations.... He loves me in spite of myself.
When I think of all the blessings of this life, I am instantly reminded of the greatest blessing i have received. Christ dying for me ad reserving my place with HIM in heaven is the blessing that will never be "trumped". Compared to salvation, all the wonder of this life is...well, nothing.
So, at this stage of the road, my surgery is behind me, and the pathology results are around the next curve, I am at peace only because I know who planned out my life. I know who calls me His Precious daughter. I know that God is in control of this and that he has already sacrificed Himself for me...so that I can spend eternity with Him....I can do nothing less than give Him everything I have until then.
Hugs
K

Home again

WOW! 4 hours from the time we left the house to the time we got back home!
Surgery went GREAT today!
I feel fine aside from a whopper of a sore throat! I mean, I feel totally normal. No side effects from the anesthesia at all! Maybe this really is going to be the surgery that ends it all! At any rate, this is the best I have felt post surgery.
Dr S. told Calvin that the cord that has the cancer looks normal. Now, only the pathology will tell us for sure, but there does not appear to be any new growth, at least not to the naked eye. I can already tell a difference in the way my throat feels now that the new growth is gone! And for those that were asking about my breathing, yes, it is easier to breathe now.
I am a bit drowsy and rarely can justify taking a nap, so I am going to take one now.
Thank you all so much for your constant prayers and well wishes! It is so comforting to know that there are others going to God on my behalf!
If indeed we get a clear pathology report, then I will not have to have surgery for at least 12 weeks. That surgery will just be a biopsy to make sure that the cancer has not returned.
Whether or not this is the end of this stage of my journey, I am still completely surrendered to Christ. I know that He has brought me through this, the hardest time in my life to date. The past 7 months have been surreal. The past 7 months have been like nothing I can even begin to describe. A precious friend talked to me the other night about the "dark night of the soul". That truly describes some of my days and nights over these past few months. Some days, I am totally okay with all of this...a warrior in the battle. Other days I feel like a helpless prisoner of war. Some days I have felt completely defeated spiritually and that is the absolute worse feeling I have ever known.
As we enter Easter Weekend, I am again reminded that God has done everything that He needed to do already. He gave me the only thing I truly need when He died on the cross and rose again, defeating death once and for all. When i asked Hm to be my Savior, He sealed my spot in Heaven. This is all I will ever truly need. He owes me nothing.
So, whether the pathology comes back good or bad, I am okay. My soul is secure. My Father loves me.
Hugs
K

one more time

The kids are at my mom in laws, I spent time last night explaining to Sweet Izzy that when I come home from the hospital i won't be able to talk at all for 4 weeks. (note to self: put a calender on the fridge so we can count down) She said "can you eben whiffer?" (can you even whisper?) Nope. No whispering either. She is okay with that. Then I talked to Brian. I told him that it is going to be worth it because after this I'll be able to talk again. He said "maybe". I hate that the most. He knows enough to know that we have thought that every surgery thus far was going to be the one that would bring the news we all want so much to hear "no more cancer".
Maybe this one will be it.
I have come to look forward to the surgeries in a weird sort of way. at least it seems like we are doing something pro-active when we are scheduling and having surgery. It's the waiting and wondering what the next test is going to tell us that is so terribly hard. as long as i have cancer on my cords, CIS or otherwise, there is always a little part of me that is wondering if it is "growing" in between surgeries.
At least this time I do have an explanation as to why i can't talk and I have actually asked God to please let it just bee a Granuloma.
What ever it is, it is coming out today and we'll know in a few days what it is and what the cancer is doing.
I should be in the OR around 8 this morning.
I'll post again when I am home and awake...and on pain meds....ha ha
Have a great day!
K