Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

 I've been thinking a lot about the promise in Psalm 139. Specifically, verses 13 and 14:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well.

God's ability to create infinitely beautiful and amazing things overwhelms me. I am astounded, amazed, mesmerized, in awe of, and left breathless by the majesty of the world and all that is in it that God has created. I see and appreciate the perfection and the beauty of God's handiwork all around me.

The intricate details on the wings of butterflies and flower petals amaze me. The sensation of warm sunshine on my skin in spring and cool breeze on my face in the fall remind me of the gentleness of my Creator. When that same sunshine gives us our brutally hot Mississippi summers and that same breeze grows to hurricane force winds, I am reminded of God's power. The ocean, the night sky, and mountains remind me that I am infinitely small... and I am amazed that the Creator of all these amazing things would take time to know me.

Waterfalls mesmerize me. They are my favorite things in nature. I could sit at the base of a waterfall and listen to the crashing water, the birds, and all the other sounds of nature for hours. I love the smell of damp earth and decaying leaves. I love the way the sunlight dances through the dense foliage. I love the way rock feels beneath my skin. I soak in the peacefulness and appreciate my own insignificance compared to the majesty of these beautifully destructive forces of nature.

So then, it stands to reason that I would celebrate Psalm 139. The same God that created all these wonderfully beautiful things that bring me such joy also created me...my inmost being...knit me together... actually took time and created... me. I believe that God created me exactly the way He wants me to be to accomplish what He wants to accomplish through me. It just doesn't FEEL that way. I don't feel fearfully and wonderfully made. I feel flawed and broken and torn apart. I feel  inadequate, failing, feeble, weak, and incompetent.

I feel...damaged.

I know that this is a result of sin. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Satan loves to remind me of what a wretched sinful beast I am. He points out my fears and failures. He reminds me that others excel in areas in which I struggle. He tells me all day every day that I am damaged, weak, flawed, broken, tarnished, and completely unusable by God.

Truth is, I AM broken...but I'm not as broken as I was.

I have failed at more things than I can count, but I've learned from those failures and none of them have defeated me permanently. God can and does use me in spite of my failures, flaws, setbacks, and downfalls. (even though Satan would love for me to believe otherwise)

I know that the One who knit me together originally can put me back together even now.

I want to love the woman God created when He created me. I want to embrace and cultivate the ways that God has gifted me instead of comparing my weaknesses to other women's strengths. I don't want to be prideful...that's not it at all. I simply want to love who God made me to be. I want to embrace and celebrate the unique way God put me together and use the gifts God has given me instead of feeling inferior because my gifts are different than someone else's. I want to enjoy my quirks. I want to appreciate my unique way of looking at the world around me. I want to be thankful that I feel things deeply, to embrace the passion I have for...well... everything, and enjoy the impulsive and obsessive parts of my personality instead of always fighting against these things.


I want to be okay with "me"...whatever that means.

I feel like I should celebrate and embrace myself just as I would any of the things in nature that amaze me. I feel like I should be as thankful for the way God made me as I am anything else He created. I feel like I should be as amazed by "me" (minus the sin and effects of sin of course) as I am  anything else God has created.

I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot... but I'm closer than I was yesterday, and I plan to be a bit closer tomorrow. 

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

When Feelings Scream Louder Than Facts

On July 19th I tried to kill myself. There's really no easy way to say that; no way to make it less offensive or shocking. I don't know that I will ever be able to say those words without hesitation. This wasn't a cry for help or a plea for attention. I fully intended to end my life. That was my only goal. I am still working through the answer(s) to the most asked question, which is of course, "Why??"

There is no easy answer. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, our church, and our community. I love my role as "pastor wife." I have lots of friends. There is really nothing I want to escape from...well, except for myself. Can't really escape myself. That's the one thing that I'm definitely stuck with. I'm still working thru all the things I don't like about me. That's a post for another day.

Another question that is often asked (although no one has asked me this to my face) is "How can a Christian commit suicide?"  I have asked this same question many times myself before July of this year. Now, my honest answer is that a Christian can feel hopelessness, despair, uncertainty, fear, and self loathing just like anyone else. A Christian can feel discouraged. A Christian can feel empty and alone. A Christian can feel overwhelmed by guilt. Being a Christian does not give a person super-powered immunity to the feelings that life's circumstances (and poor choices) bring with them. 

As a Christian, I also know that Jesus died for all my sin; I need not feel shame or guilt for the many ways I have fallen short of the Glory of God. As a Christian I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord; I can trust that God will work out all my circumstances so that my life brings Him glory. As a Christian, I know that God is, was, and is to come; I need not fear the future....God is already there. As a Christian, I know that Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly; I need not look outside God's protection for fulfillment. As a Christian, I know that  God does not give me a spirit of fear. As a Christian I know that I HAVE joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; these are MY gifts, given to me by the Holy Spirit. As a Christian, I know God will never leave me or forsake me. As a Christian, I absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. As a Christian I also know that in this world I will have trouble...but that I can find strength in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world.

A Christian can commit suicide just like a non-Christian when feelings scream louder than facts. 

The thing I forgot to remember is that feelings are NOT facts; they are not reliable; they are fickle; and they are easily manipulated by the enemy of our souls. (But that is another post for another day)

Today, a little over a month after I cut my arms, wrists, and hands in a effort to end my life, my feelings are still screaming. My heart hurts. My thoughts are scrambled. My emotions are all over the place. I am absolutely torn between what I know to be true (I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of the Universe and that Jesus Christ died to pay the penalty for my sin and rose again so that I can spend eternity in heaven) and what I feel (I am worthless, a failure, and the people I love and the world in general would be better off without me). What I KNOW and what I FEEL are very different things and I am struggling every day to give less voice to my feelings and more to what I know to be true of myself in relationship to Jesus Christ.

Along with the things I mentioned above, there are some other things I know for certain: 

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I'm still a bit foggy on most everything else. 

Much love and big hugs

K