On July 19th I tried to kill myself. There's really no easy way to say that; no way to make it less offensive or shocking. I don't know that I will ever be able to say those words without hesitation. This wasn't a cry for help or a plea for attention. I fully intended to end my life. That was my only goal. I am still working through the answer(s) to the most asked question, which is of course, "Why??"
There is no easy answer. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, our church, and our community. I love my role as "pastor wife." I have lots of friends. There is really nothing I want to escape from...well, except for myself. Can't really escape myself. That's the one thing that I'm definitely stuck with. I'm still working thru all the things I don't like about me. That's a post for another day.
Another question that is often asked (although no one has asked me this to my face) is "How can a Christian commit suicide?" I have asked this same question many times myself before July of this year. Now, my honest answer is that a Christian can feel hopelessness, despair, uncertainty, fear, and self loathing just like anyone else. A Christian can feel discouraged. A Christian can feel empty and alone. A Christian can feel overwhelmed by guilt. Being a Christian does not give a person super-powered immunity to the feelings that life's circumstances (and poor choices) bring with them.
As a Christian, I also know that Jesus died for all my sin; I need not feel shame or guilt for the many ways I have fallen short of the Glory of God. As a Christian I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord; I can trust that God will work out all my circumstances so that my life brings Him glory. As a Christian, I know that God is, was, and is to come; I need not fear the future....God is already there. As a Christian, I know that Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly; I need not look outside God's protection for fulfillment. As a Christian, I know that God does not give me a spirit of fear. As a Christian I know that I HAVE joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; these are MY gifts, given to me by the Holy Spirit. As a Christian, I know God will never leave me or forsake me. As a Christian, I absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. As a Christian I also know that in this world I will have trouble...but that I can find strength in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world.
A Christian can commit suicide just like a non-Christian when feelings scream louder than facts.
The thing I forgot to remember is that feelings are NOT facts; they are not reliable; they are fickle; and they are easily manipulated by the enemy of our souls. (But that is another post for another day)
Today, a little over a month after I cut my arms, wrists, and hands in a effort to end my life, my feelings are still screaming. My heart hurts. My thoughts are scrambled. My emotions are all over the place. I am absolutely torn between what I know to be true (I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of the Universe and that Jesus Christ died to pay the penalty for my sin and rose again so that I can spend eternity in heaven) and what I feel (I am worthless, a failure, and the people I love and the world in general would be better off without me). What I KNOW and what I FEEL are very different things and I am struggling every day to give less voice to my feelings and more to what I know to be true of myself in relationship to Jesus Christ.
Along with the things I mentioned above, there are some other things I know for certain:
- God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me.
- I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized.
- No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.
I'm still a bit foggy on most everything else.
Much love and big hugs
K
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