Last week I lamented over the futility of life. I was in a difficult place. It happens sometimes. In Calvin's sermon on Sunday, he said that we always have a choice and we can choose the option that glorifies God. If you want to hear the complete sermon, you can watch it on you tube by clicking here. A friend also told me this week to be sure to be able to say I chose this life, not settled for it. These things made me pause. WHAT exactly an I choosing?
It may seem odd that someone who loves Jesus as I profess to would have to pause and consider what (or who) influences the choices i make. I would love to say that this was not something I had to think about for long, but as I look back over the choices I make each day, I see that I do not always choose the option that glorifies God. These daily choices shape my life and therefore have created a life that does not always glorify God. I believe that this is the root of my unsettledness, but I also realize that there is a heart issue behind each choice. For whatever reason, I believed that the choices I made, both big and small, would ease my pain, anxiety, or stress... and maybe in the moment they did. I believe that, when all the justifications are stripped away and my heart is laid bare, I have not trusted God to be who He says He is.
Please understand, I have not made earth shaking, testimony destroying choices. I haven't done anything sinister or scandalous by society's standards... but I believe I was created for God and I believe I was created to glorify Him. I have not, and this has caused a rift between us. Therefore, my soul is aching to be right with Him and nothing will soothe it apart from Him.
This week I actually considered that not serving Christ was an option... and it is. No one is forcing me to live my life for Him. I do have a choice. I think that maybe I lost sight of this. With choice comes freedom and strength and maybe even a sense of power over the things that steal my peace and joy.
I choose Christ. I choose to live a life that brings him glory as much as it can. I want to grow in my relationship with Christ to the point that this is how I naturally make decisions.
Please understand, I have not made earth shaking, testimony destroying choices. I haven't done anything sinister or scandalous by society's standards... but I believe I was created for God and I believe I was created to glorify Him. I have not, and this has caused a rift between us. Therefore, my soul is aching to be right with Him and nothing will soothe it apart from Him.
This week I actually considered that not serving Christ was an option... and it is. No one is forcing me to live my life for Him. I do have a choice. I think that maybe I lost sight of this. With choice comes freedom and strength and maybe even a sense of power over the things that steal my peace and joy.
I choose Christ. I choose to live a life that brings him glory as much as it can. I want to grow in my relationship with Christ to the point that this is how I naturally make decisions.
I would love to say that, with these reminders, I woke up this morning and everything was right with the world.
It's not.
I've got to make some changes. My heart is still broken. I still feel overlooked and at the same time picked apart. I am still a terrible steward of the money God has given me. I still have a significant amount of anxiety over... well, most everything. I'm still a terrible house keeper. I still need to lose 60 pounds. I still wonder if it will matter that I took up space on this earth... and I wonder if it's okay if it doesn't.
The thing that gives me hope is remembering whose I am. I am not Calvin's or Izzy's or Brian's. I'm not my parents'. They do not determine my worth. My value comes from my relationship with Christ. I'm God's. HE chose me... even though I am a total disaster of a person. With all my flaws and failures, He still chose me. For reasons I cannot understand, He placed me in a position to serve alongside Calvin and allowed me to be mom to Brian and Izzy.
The difference between where I am now and where I was last week is that this week I remember who gives my life meaning. I remember that the creator of the universe calls me His. Perhaps one day my wandering heart will remain faithful to Him and not lust for the things that this life has to offer. Until then, there will be a battle between my desire to glorify God with my life and Satan's desire to ruin me. That battle is worth fighting.
Of this I am certain, I was created to serve Christ. This is what gives my life meaning. I lost sight of this. Focusing on Him is what makes me feel whole, worthy, and valued. Everything else fails me. Everything else is fleeting. Christ is faithful, trustworthy, eternal and unchanging. His love for me is safe, stable, and sure. For these reasons and more I choose to follow, serve, and live for Him.
Just my thoughts
K
