Thursday's Thoughts on... surviving suicide

It has been 6 months since I attempted to end my life.

I can honestly say that I no longer want to die. I no longer have the desire to end my life or cause myself harm. There really are no words to express how thankful I am that the desire to die has left me. I can't say that things have gotten easier, but depression a bit less frightening today than it was 6 months ago. 

That being said....

Depression is hard. I don't want to give it more credit than it is due, but I also don't want to dismiss it or make light of it.  Depression is truly the hardest battle thing I've faced, aside from fighting the desire to end my life.  

I wish that I could put what depression is like into words. I can feel a depressive episode coming on. That part is a bit alarming, only because I don't know how bad it will get or how long it will last. It creeps in like a fog, like a black ooze that slowly chokes my breath and covers me in darkness. It is heavy like a wet, cold, weighted blanket. It's numbing and at the same time makes me super sensitive. It makes me feel raw and vulnerable and terribly insecure. It steals my breath and scrambles my thoughts. My head aches. My chest aches. My heart hurts. It absolutely exhausts me. The most prevailing thought is "If I could just sleep til this is over..."

The last one lasted a week to the day from when I felt it coming on to when I felt it start to lift. That was a very long week. I'm still in the "in between" where I have good moments and dark moments and still feel quite fragile and insecure...but I know I am on the up-swing.

Yes, just as I can feel it come on me, I can feel it leave. It doesn't leave all at once; it's more like a process. It's like.... hmmm.... let me see...

It's like sitting outside in the spring time when it is really not warm enough to wear shorts yet, but you do anyway because you are SO tired of winter...  and you're sitting there on a blanket and it's cloudy and kinda dreary and you're cold and sorta miserable and, just when you think you can't stand the dreary cold any longer, the sun peeks through the clouds and hits your skin and it is warm....so perfectly warm and comforting and you know that, even though you're still a bit uncomfortable, the sunshine will be there to stay before long, so you stay on your blanket and wait. The sun peeks out from the clouds a few more times and then.... then clouds are blown away by a strong gust of wind and you are left to bask in the sun for a while before the clouds roll back in.

Surviving suicide is sorta like that. 

I have to keep reminding myself that a depressive episode will not last forever, that it is mostly emotion and not fact, that it is something like a storm in that it REALLY stinks while I'm in the middle of it, but it WILL pass. Finally, the thing that gives me hope is that I know that it ends and for whatever reason, this is part of this season of my life, just like cancer before this and anorexia before that. 

God has always used the most painful parts of my life to help me share Him with others. I am certain that, once I am truly well, this will be no different. 

Thank you for traveling this road with me.

Much love and Big hugs!

K

Wednesday's Weekly Recipes - Shrimp N Grits

I'd not had this wonderful treat until I moved to Mississippi. This is not a quick and easy after work on Friday meal. More like a s\Saturday evening or day off work meal. It doesn't take long, but is a little more effort than I want to put in after working all day. 

Also, it is NOT low carb, low fat, or restricted calorie friendly. 

This is truly a splurge meal.

First, The Grits:

Makes 6 servings Hands-on time: 25 min. Total time:  25 min. 

• 4 tablespoons butter
• 4 1/2 cups milk (you can sub water or Chicken Broth)
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1 tbs minced garlic 
• 2 cups uncooked quick-cooking grits
• 1 (10-oz.) block sharp white Cheddar cheese, grated

1. Bring 2 Tbsp. butter, next 4 ingredients, and 41/2 cups liquid to a boil in a medium-size Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Gradually whisk in grits, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer, stirring occasionally, 10 to 15 minutes or until thickened. Stir in cheese and remaining 2 Tbsp. butter until melted. 

Put that in the oven on 350 while you cook the shrimp.

Now, the shrimp:

• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 pound peeled and deveined shrimp
• 3 garlic cloves , finely chopped or minced
• ½ cup  chicken stock/broth
• ¾ cup heavy cream
• Dash of Tony Cachere's (more if you want more spice) 
• I sometimes add a couple of cubes of cream cheese...just because it makes it that much creamier and i love cream cheese

1. Melt butter in a skillet over high heat.
2. When it starts foaming, add shrimp. Cook until they start to change from translucent to white. Add garlic, stir for 20 seconds – by now the shrimp should be white (but still raw inside).
3. Add Chicken Broth – 
4. Add cream, salt, Tony's, cream cheese  and pepper. Simmer for 1 minutes or until it thickens slightly.
5. Adjust salt and pepper (and Tony's) to taste.
6. Remove Grits from the oven
7. Serve immediately over the grits

You can garnish with Green onions, but my people don't like them so I leave them off.

Oh my GOODNESS!!!!

So yummy!!!!!

Much Love and big Hugs!

K

Tuesday Tips and Tricks - Getting Organized - The Bedrooms

Last week we started cleaning out and organizing the bedrooms.
We took care of the most daunting tasks, the drawers and closets. (Whew! Glad that's over!)

This week we will do a little fine tuning...

1. Purge and organize jewelry (yes, toss those earrings who have lost their mate)
2. Purge and organize shoes
3. Purge and organize purses
4. Clean under the bed

This is a great time to make notes on what you have and what you don't.

Almost done!!!!

Much love and big hugs!

K

Monday Motivation

How hard it is to just be you? 

It's very difficult for me. I have a friend who consistently tells me "You do you." It reminds me to be myself. God created me exactly as He intended for me to be... same with you. You are unique and equipped with a specific set of gifts, abilities, and talents to accomplish what God wants to accomplish through you.