2017 Pearson Pumpkin Patch

I know that things have been a bit gloomy here lately. I really am not all gloom and doom. My life isn't really consumed with thoughts of suicide...at least not every day. I DO have things going on that don't have anything at all to do with therapy, depression, or recovering from attempted suicide. As a matter of fact, parts of my life are quite normal...even extraordinary. 

For example, our church is hosting a Pumpkin Patch! That may not sound like much, but it is a HUGE undertaking for our little church and has the potential to fund a good portion of our Family Summer Mission Trip. This trip will be to New Orleans, where we will work with Mission Lab. I love this trip because CHILDREN are allowed to participate! So many trips are set up so that children are not able to participate...either because the work is to hard or the area is too dangerous. Our trip to New Orleans gives us an opportunity to reach outside our state AND introduce our little ones to the concept of serving those outside our community! It gives families the opportunity to serve together, rather than separating the family while some serve and others stay home. Anyway, the Pumpkin Patch is going to help fund that trip.

Like I said, this was a huge undertaking for our little church!

First we had to unload the truck!!!!!!

It was HOT (heat index of 96 degrees)
and those pumpkins were HUGE (and heavy)!!!

Now, that's a LOT of pumpkins!!!!!

Hay bales, scarecrows, and Mums complete the look

(and make for GREAT photo ops!!!)

Did I mention that the pumpkins are HUGE???

There's something for everyone to do!
Our Kids and Teenagers are doing a GREAT
job helping us haul pumpkins!!!!

Some pumpkins are just too heavy
to carry!
Thank goodness we have a wagon!

Our Sweet Ashley made ADORABLE
Photo Ops for the kiddos!
SOOO Stinkin CUTE!!!

Our Littles LOVE the pumpkins!!!!!

It makes my heart so happy to see our people work together.

This has provided a wonderful opportunity for us to just sit and visit. 

We are all so BUSY, we rarely take time to just sit and talk with folks. 

I am sure that I will post more pics from the Patch in the days to come.

The Valley of Depression

I am writing this on September 28. 

It's important to note that because this will not be published until the middle of October. I am hoping and praying that by that time I will no longer feel the way I do today. Still, how I feel today is important. I want to give voice to where I am now...and on the happen chance that someone else who is traveling this road finds themselves reading my words...know you are not alone.

I have said before, if you are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, PLEASE seek out PROFESSIONAL help. 

There are WONDERFUL counselors who are trained to help walk you out of this dark place. You are not alone in your struggle. You are not the only one who feels this way. There is nothing "wrong" with you anymore than there is something "wrong" with someone who has cancer or diabetes or any other disease. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you would go to the doctor to get medicine and help and support. Depression is no different. There IS hope, but YOU must take action and get the help YOU need. It is out there. Go get it. 

That being said, there is no easy fix. 

As I write this, I've been hospitalized twice, I am currently on 2 meds: one for depression and one for anxiety. I also take something at night to help me relax and sleep well. I am meeting with a wonderful Christian counselor every other week. (I may change that to every week and will discuss this change with Perry when I see him on Tuesday.) I am SO much better than I was 3 months ago. I am better than I was 6 months ago...or even a year ago.

I DO have good days, but I still have more bad days than good days. 

The good days are precious to me and they give me hope. I believe that this valley will not last forever, even though today it is very very dark. 

I am going to try to describe where I am today.

Everyone thinks that suicide is such a terrible thing. 

Honestly, where I am now is so much worse. It's more than I can describe. I'm NOT going to kill myself. I took that option off the table, and that's what everyone seems to be so worried about, but I feel like I am going to crumble to pieces at any moment. It's like I am barely holding it together and if anyone touches me I will literally break into a million pieces. I fight back tears constantly and I am afraid if I ever let that dam open, I may not stop crying...ever. 

Worst thing is, I don't see any way out of this. 

Suicide is not an option. I'm not supposed to "stuff" my feelings anymore, because "they" say that's what lead to me trying to kill myself in the first place. I'm just left to FEEL all this....terribleness. And I HATE it. I don't know what to DO with it. I don't know how to DEAL with it. Heck! I don't even know how to identify what these feelings are, much less figure out where they are coming from! It is absolutely maddening.

I keep telling myself, "Just one more day." 

I feel so FRAGILE. I feel like I can't be depended on, like I can't carry my weight in things, like I am not meeting expectations. Like I am letting people down because I can't get my act together. (and yes, I know that is Striver and Self Critic talking)

I don't want to be like this forever.

I don't want to FEEL this way forever. I don't want to have to keep TELLING myself "Suicide is not an option. Just get through today." The only way I know how to deal with this is to put all these feelings that I don't like in a box, put a lid on it, wrap it up with tape and bury it deep deep deep so that I can't feel any of it. Out of sight, out of mind. The way I would normally deal with this is take a deep breath and tell myself, 

"Suck it up, you are fine, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Put those bad feelings in a box and forget about them.  Don't be such a baby about this. Get a grip and Move on." 

(I suppose that would be Controller, Striver, Perfectionist and Self Critic speaking)

I can't do that now. I'm afraid to. If they would stay buried another 44 years, that'd be just fine. 

I mean, a nervous break down at 88 is not such a big deal I guess. 
I'm just not so sure that all my "junk" will stay buried now. I am not in control of my feelings. I can't control my thoughts or emotions. Everything is different. Everything is a jumbled, mixed up, hot stinkin mess. I feel very weak and vulnerable. I feel so .... fragile.  And I HATE it. 

So, when I say "I'm okay," I mean, "I'm holding it together for now." 

I am selfishly praying that eventually I will be able to honestly say "I'm good," but I won't lie anymore and say I'm fine or I'm good when I'm not. But if I say I'm okay, I am. That's the best I can do. I don't know if you can be suicidal and know that you won't act on killing yourself, but if that's possible, that's where I am. Maybe knowing that I won't act on it makes me NOT suicidal. I don't know. 

I have never felt so helpless. 

I can HONESTLY tell you that cancer was easy compared to this. This is the worst valley I've ever been in. I believe that this will get better eventually, but am prepared for it not to. This may just be something I carry with me. Either way, I have to learn how to cope with this level of depression. 

Counseling is helping. 

It really is. Perry is very calm about things. When I tell him that I feel like a total wack job and that I am losing my mind, he'll say "Is that a bad thing?" According to Perry, I don't have to be in control of my emotions all the time. (gasp) He even suggested that I work on "letting go." 

I'm not on board with all this yet, but I have hope. I can see where it makes sense. Just not sure what will happen if I loosen the vice grip I have on my feelings and emotions. That is a frightening thought.

Depression totally sucks on a level of epic proportions. 

I want to give up every single day. 

But I'm not going to. 

I'm going to fight (or crawl) through this and I WILL be fine at some point in time. 

I'm looking forward to that day.

Big hugs and much love,

K

PS
 As of October 17, I'm still here, doing a bit better, having a few more good days now than I was having even just a month ago. Still have some very rough days, but I am hopeful.