The Valley of Depression

I am writing this on September 28. 

It's important to note that because this will not be published until the middle of October. I am hoping and praying that by that time I will no longer feel the way I do today. Still, how I feel today is important. I want to give voice to where I am now...and on the happen chance that someone else who is traveling this road finds themselves reading my words...know you are not alone.

I have said before, if you are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, PLEASE seek out PROFESSIONAL help. 

There are WONDERFUL counselors who are trained to help walk you out of this dark place. You are not alone in your struggle. You are not the only one who feels this way. There is nothing "wrong" with you anymore than there is something "wrong" with someone who has cancer or diabetes or any other disease. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you would go to the doctor to get medicine and help and support. Depression is no different. There IS hope, but YOU must take action and get the help YOU need. It is out there. Go get it. 

That being said, there is no easy fix. 

As I write this, I've been hospitalized twice, I am currently on 2 meds: one for depression and one for anxiety. I also take something at night to help me relax and sleep well. I am meeting with a wonderful Christian counselor every other week. (I may change that to every week and will discuss this change with Perry when I see him on Tuesday.) I am SO much better than I was 3 months ago. I am better than I was 6 months ago...or even a year ago.

I DO have good days, but I still have more bad days than good days. 

The good days are precious to me and they give me hope. I believe that this valley will not last forever, even though today it is very very dark. 

I am going to try to describe where I am today.

Everyone thinks that suicide is such a terrible thing. 

Honestly, where I am now is so much worse. It's more than I can describe. I'm NOT going to kill myself. I took that option off the table, and that's what everyone seems to be so worried about, but I feel like I am going to crumble to pieces at any moment. It's like I am barely holding it together and if anyone touches me I will literally break into a million pieces. I fight back tears constantly and I am afraid if I ever let that dam open, I may not stop crying...ever. 

Worst thing is, I don't see any way out of this. 

Suicide is not an option. I'm not supposed to "stuff" my feelings anymore, because "they" say that's what lead to me trying to kill myself in the first place. I'm just left to FEEL all this....terribleness. And I HATE it. I don't know what to DO with it. I don't know how to DEAL with it. Heck! I don't even know how to identify what these feelings are, much less figure out where they are coming from! It is absolutely maddening.

I keep telling myself, "Just one more day." 

I feel so FRAGILE. I feel like I can't be depended on, like I can't carry my weight in things, like I am not meeting expectations. Like I am letting people down because I can't get my act together. (and yes, I know that is Striver and Self Critic talking)

I don't want to be like this forever.

I don't want to FEEL this way forever. I don't want to have to keep TELLING myself "Suicide is not an option. Just get through today." The only way I know how to deal with this is to put all these feelings that I don't like in a box, put a lid on it, wrap it up with tape and bury it deep deep deep so that I can't feel any of it. Out of sight, out of mind. The way I would normally deal with this is take a deep breath and tell myself, 

"Suck it up, you are fine, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Put those bad feelings in a box and forget about them.  Don't be such a baby about this. Get a grip and Move on." 

(I suppose that would be Controller, Striver, Perfectionist and Self Critic speaking)

I can't do that now. I'm afraid to. If they would stay buried another 44 years, that'd be just fine. 

I mean, a nervous break down at 88 is not such a big deal I guess. 
I'm just not so sure that all my "junk" will stay buried now. I am not in control of my feelings. I can't control my thoughts or emotions. Everything is different. Everything is a jumbled, mixed up, hot stinkin mess. I feel very weak and vulnerable. I feel so .... fragile.  And I HATE it. 

So, when I say "I'm okay," I mean, "I'm holding it together for now." 

I am selfishly praying that eventually I will be able to honestly say "I'm good," but I won't lie anymore and say I'm fine or I'm good when I'm not. But if I say I'm okay, I am. That's the best I can do. I don't know if you can be suicidal and know that you won't act on killing yourself, but if that's possible, that's where I am. Maybe knowing that I won't act on it makes me NOT suicidal. I don't know. 

I have never felt so helpless. 

I can HONESTLY tell you that cancer was easy compared to this. This is the worst valley I've ever been in. I believe that this will get better eventually, but am prepared for it not to. This may just be something I carry with me. Either way, I have to learn how to cope with this level of depression. 

Counseling is helping. 

It really is. Perry is very calm about things. When I tell him that I feel like a total wack job and that I am losing my mind, he'll say "Is that a bad thing?" According to Perry, I don't have to be in control of my emotions all the time. (gasp) He even suggested that I work on "letting go." 

I'm not on board with all this yet, but I have hope. I can see where it makes sense. Just not sure what will happen if I loosen the vice grip I have on my feelings and emotions. That is a frightening thought.

Depression totally sucks on a level of epic proportions. 

I want to give up every single day. 

But I'm not going to. 

I'm going to fight (or crawl) through this and I WILL be fine at some point in time. 

I'm looking forward to that day.

Big hugs and much love,

K

PS
 As of October 17, I'm still here, doing a bit better, having a few more good days now than I was having even just a month ago. Still have some very rough days, but I am hopeful.

Sometimes it's okay not to be "okay"

I didn't go to the hospital after I cut my wrists. 

I should have, but I was pretty sure that a failed suicide attempt would get me committed, so I chose not to go.  It didn't seem real. The gaping holes in both my arms puzzled me. It was as though they shouldn't be there. When I got up the next morning, my arms were still bleeding. I knew I had to have some stitches. I called and made an appointment with my doctor. 

My Dr. closed up my arms and told me she would really like for me to have some "in-patient treatment."

I stayed in the hospital for 72 hours.

I slept...a lot. I read the Bible and wrote in my journal. I went to Group counseling and visited with my psychiatrist.  I remember feeling very...numb. It was like I was there...but I wasn't. Maybe it was all the meds they had me on. Maybe I was in shock. I had this feeling like I was dreaming...like I'd wake up at any moment and be at home, in my own bed, with no stitches in my arms.

Oh! One slightly funny thing did happen... 

The Psychiatrist asked me how long I'd been depressed and I said,

"Depressed? Oh, I'm not depressed." 

The look on his face was priceless when he looked over his glasses and said,

"Mrs. Williams, you tried to end your life yesterday. 

You are most certainly depressed."

We had a long discussion about what depression is and, sure enough, I agreed that I was/am "most certainly depressed."

I stayed in the hospital until I was "functional."

I think the definition of "functional" is "able to dress and feed yourself, and not cry 24 hours a day," because that's about how "functional" I was when I went home. 

But I DID get to go home.

I still had stitches in my arms. Calvin made sure someone was with me all the time. I didn't have any answers for why I did what I did. I wasn't sure myself. It was all very surreal. I felt dazed. My thoughts were dark and my mind was clouded.

I may have been "functional," but I was totally not "okay."

Since then, I've learned that if "functional" is the best you can do, then be "functional."
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay.

Much love and BIG hugs,

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

 I've been thinking a lot about the promise in Psalm 139. Specifically, verses 13 and 14:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well.

God's ability to create infinitely beautiful and amazing things overwhelms me. I am astounded, amazed, mesmerized, in awe of, and left breathless by the majesty of the world and all that is in it that God has created. I see and appreciate the perfection and the beauty of God's handiwork all around me.

The intricate details on the wings of butterflies and flower petals amaze me. The sensation of warm sunshine on my skin in spring and cool breeze on my face in the fall remind me of the gentleness of my Creator. When that same sunshine gives us our brutally hot Mississippi summers and that same breeze grows to hurricane force winds, I am reminded of God's power. The ocean, the night sky, and mountains remind me that I am infinitely small... and I am amazed that the Creator of all these amazing things would take time to know me.

Waterfalls mesmerize me. They are my favorite things in nature. I could sit at the base of a waterfall and listen to the crashing water, the birds, and all the other sounds of nature for hours. I love the smell of damp earth and decaying leaves. I love the way the sunlight dances through the dense foliage. I love the way rock feels beneath my skin. I soak in the peacefulness and appreciate my own insignificance compared to the majesty of these beautifully destructive forces of nature.

So then, it stands to reason that I would celebrate Psalm 139. The same God that created all these wonderfully beautiful things that bring me such joy also created me...my inmost being...knit me together... actually took time and created... me. I believe that God created me exactly the way He wants me to be to accomplish what He wants to accomplish through me. It just doesn't FEEL that way. I don't feel fearfully and wonderfully made. I feel flawed and broken and torn apart. I feel  inadequate, failing, feeble, weak, and incompetent.

I feel...damaged.

I know that this is a result of sin. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Satan loves to remind me of what a wretched sinful beast I am. He points out my fears and failures. He reminds me that others excel in areas in which I struggle. He tells me all day every day that I am damaged, weak, flawed, broken, tarnished, and completely unusable by God.

Truth is, I AM broken...but I'm not as broken as I was.

I have failed at more things than I can count, but I've learned from those failures and none of them have defeated me permanently. God can and does use me in spite of my failures, flaws, setbacks, and downfalls. (even though Satan would love for me to believe otherwise)

I know that the One who knit me together originally can put me back together even now.

I want to love the woman God created when He created me. I want to embrace and cultivate the ways that God has gifted me instead of comparing my weaknesses to other women's strengths. I don't want to be prideful...that's not it at all. I simply want to love who God made me to be. I want to embrace and celebrate the unique way God put me together and use the gifts God has given me instead of feeling inferior because my gifts are different than someone else's. I want to enjoy my quirks. I want to appreciate my unique way of looking at the world around me. I want to be thankful that I feel things deeply, to embrace the passion I have for...well... everything, and enjoy the impulsive and obsessive parts of my personality instead of always fighting against these things.


I want to be okay with "me"...whatever that means.

I feel like I should celebrate and embrace myself just as I would any of the things in nature that amaze me. I feel like I should be as thankful for the way God made me as I am anything else He created. I feel like I should be as amazed by "me" (minus the sin and effects of sin of course) as I am  anything else God has created.

I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot... but I'm closer than I was yesterday, and I plan to be a bit closer tomorrow. 

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

July 19, 2017 - Suicide is NOT the answer

There is nothing good about suicide. It is terrible. 

I'd gotten a bit sick after lunch and told Calvin I was going to stay home from church. When I got home, I was absolutely overwhelmed by the thought "Everyone would be so much better off without you. Your family deserves so much better than you."

BTW - if you have these thoughts, seek PROFESSIONAL help. There are people trained to help you out of this darkness. 

I don't know what to say other than I couldn't NOT cut my wrists that afternoon. 

I wasn't upset or nervous or scared. It was all very matter of fact. Like I said, I couldn't NOT do it. Even so, it was surreal...like I was watching it all happen to someone else. I ended up with 12 cuts in all. 3 requiring stitches, others requiring glue, and others that were not deep enough to need help healing. 

It was as if I was watching someone else do it, except that it hurt SO MUCH.

I hit a vein in both arms. Barely missed the artery with all 3 deep cuts. I tried to cut after those 3 and the razor (brand new) "mysteriously" lost the ability to cut thru my skin. 

Sadly, I was at such a devastatingly low point that the only feelings I had were disappointment and disgust for having failed. The only thought in my head was "You can't even get this right."

I know two things for certain. 

First
My intention that afternoon was to die. I was not seeking attention or help. I simply wanted to die. 

Second
It wasn't my time to go. 

For some bizarre reason, Satan's minions took special time and put forth extra effort to push me to the point of truly wanting to die. For an equally astonishing reason, God saw fit to allow me to live. 

Please understand that as I write this, I am about 2 months out from this event. By the time it is published, I'll be almost 3 months out. 

I'm not in this dark place anymore. 

As I write this, I still have more bad days than good, but I DO have good days, and that's very encouraging. It’s taking time, but I know I am getting better.  

If you think that suicide is the way to end your pain, please seek PROFESSIONAL help. There are people who are trained to guide you out of the darkness. 

It DOES get better. 

There IS hope.

Much love and big hugs,

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• ·           God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• ·        Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• ·        Satan Distracts and Deceives
• ·        I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• ·        Feelings are not Facts
• ·        I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
• ·        It will get better. It always does.
• ·        Suicide is not the answer.
• ·        God’s not finished with me yet.

Warning Signs - Suicidal Thoughts

I feel the need to make a disclaimer....I am only writing about my suicide attempt. I am in no way qualified to help someone else deal with suicidal thoughts, nor do I want to. This is how I work through things. I have lots of "aha" moments as I write through situations. As always, you are totally welcome to join me on this journey through the valley and if you have "aha" moments along the way too, well that is stinkin AWESOME...but my goal is to find healing for myself. I'm being a bit selfish about that right now. I will put in reminders to seek PROFESSIONAL help when that thought hits me. I believe with everything in me that, had I not spent time in the hospital and had I not found a wonderful counselor once I got out, I would most definitely have tried to kill myself again. Getting help from someone who knows HOW to help is SOOOO important. Ok. I feel better now. On to today's post....

Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for as long as I can remember.  In one of my group sessions, the therapist asked, "Who has had thoughts of suicide?" Only 2 others raised their hand. I was shocked. I really thought that the other 15 or so people in the group were not being honest. The option of suicide was such a natural and constant part of the way I thought about things that I could not believe everyone didn't think this way.

For me, suicide was always a valid option.  It wasn't scary. It didn't feel dark or sinister. The thought of suicide didn't evoke any emotion in me. It wasn't something I thought needed to be talked about. It was just a matter of fact..."Is this worth killing myself over?" felt very much the same as "Am I hungry enough to fix myself something to eat?" It never crossed my mind that this was dark, unusual, unnatural, or wrong.  I think it is important to make this clear. I didn't just decide on July 19th that I would kill myself. This was something I'd considered hundreds of times over the course of my life.

These thoughts were such a normal part of my thought process, it did not alarm me when I thought "Everyone would be better off without me. I should do them all a favor and just go ahead and kill myself."  I simply believed that "everyone" would be better off without me. The thought of the people I love being stuck with someone like me when they could be with someone so much better than me was finally enough to tip the scale and this time when I asked myself, "Is this worth killing yourself over?" the answer was "yes."

  

As is usually the case, I've had an "aha" moment as I've worked through this post.  

Instead of using "is this worth killing myself over?" as my gauge of how bad something is, I am going to ask, "In a year, will I still feel this way? In a month? In a week?" 

I'm learning to tell myself "hang on. It will get better" and it does. It always does. 

If you think that things are so bad that the only way to end the pain is to end your life, trust me on this...it WILL get better. Hang on. Just Hang on. Reach out for help...PROFESSIONAL help...someone who is trained to help you get through the darkness.

Hmmm...I think that's enough for today...

Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.
• It will get better. It always does.

Much love and big hugs-

K

The Struggle With Telling My "Suicide Story"

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to take my life. It seems like a lifetime ago, and at the same time feels like yesterday. Honestly, I want very much to just put the whole situation in a box, put a lid on it, tape it up tight and bury it deep deep down so that I never have to think about it again. Sitting at the keyboard and forcing myself to think through this each week is...well, it's hard.

I struggle with a few things as I sort through all this.

I don't ever want anyone to look to my blog as a source of "what to do" or "what no to do" when considering suicide. I spent weeks looking online and reading about the different ways to end my life, the probability of success with different methods, the pain involved, etc. I don't want to add my story to that source of information. Suicide is not the answer to any sort of troubles, no matter what those troubles are. I read something recently that I have taken to heart: "Suicide doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers it to another person." I have found this to be so true. My suicide attempt hurt many people. I cannot imagine what a successful attempt would have done to them.

I don't want to glamorize suicide. There is absolutely nothing good or glamorous about it. It is a desperate act by a desperate person whose pain is so great that the only way they can see to end the pain is to end their life. Again, ending your life doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers the pain from you to the people who love you. Suicide is terrible. There is nothing good about it.  I don't ever want my writing about my struggle with it to be "cool" or "interesting". It is sad. That's all. Just very very sad.

My goal in writing about this part of my life is simple. 

I want to share the little things that lead up to that night, because I didn't just wake up one day and decide life wasn't worth living.

I want to share what happened the night I tried to kill myself. There is something amazing in the midst of all the terrible devastation that is so totally worth sharing.

I want to share my journey to healing and becoming whole. This is the main thing I want to share, but in order to share this, I have to share (and come to grips with) how I got here in the first place. 

If you are just now joining my story, it's like starting a book in the middle. I think you will better understand these and future posts if you go back and read my posts from 2009 - 2011. I think that will give you a better understanding of who I am, what is important to me, and why my suicide attempt is so... strange. 

I have struggled with telling the story of "that night," but I know I need to. I need to be honest with myself about how that all went down. 

I guess I've chickened out today. I've had 2 really great days and I still don't have many of those. Going down that dark path and focusing on how it felt the night I tried to end my life is just not something I want to do today. My plan is to discuss all those little things that lead up to the point that I thought the world would be better off without me when I post next week. The week after that I will describe the events of the day I tried to end my life. The next few posts after that will be about being hospitalized and trial and error with different counselors. THEN we can move on to where I actually am NOW....on the road to healing.

There is a huge part of me that wants to just forget all about this. If I don't record it, I will definitely put it in a box and hide it away. It is important for me to remember how I got here....because I don't EVER want to find myself in that place where the only thought in my head is that I want to die.

Bug Hugs!

K

The lies I've Told Myself

I have been amazed at the number of people who have reached out to me after my last post. I will admit that my first reaction was...well...panic. I didn't realize that so many people read my words. It was VERY tempting to delete those last two posts and hope everyone would forget about all this.

Obviously I changed my mind.

I don't want this to define me. I don't in ANY way want to glorify suicide or suicidal thoughts. However, I'm not the only person, the only Christian, or even the only Pastor's wife who has tried to commit suicide. Thankfully I'm still here. Now I'm left to work through all this and writing is the best way for me to do that. If you want to tag along, that's fine with me. I feel like this will be a long and winding road to healing. Maybe, just maybe, my journey will give hope to someone else who is fighting this battle. That's really the only good I can see coming from this terrible ordeal. Anyway...I'm still trying to understand how I came to the place where I actually believed that I should die.

For as long as I can remember, what I felt, thought, or wanted was irrelevant, so long as I said and did what I "should." I honestly cannot tell you if this is something was actually taught, or simply the way I learned to cope with difficult people and situations. Either way, when faced with...well, anything...the thought that immediately goes through my head is "you should..."

You should say...

You should be...                 

You should act...

OR "You shouldn't"...

                              

You shouldn't let that upset you.

You shouldn't be so selfish/needy/prideful/ etc.
You shouldn't feel that way.

Until recently, I thought this was how everyone's brain worked and it never dawned on me to do anything differently.  I believed that, in order to be loved, I had to please the people in my life, and I thought I could do that if I always reacted and behaved the way I "should."

 As time went on, I realized that there are people who are going to be displeased with me. That realization, coupled with the unrealistic expectations I put on myself, quickly lead to constant thoughts that sound something like this: "you are a failure, You ALWAYS let people down, you will never get it right, you are a disaster, you mess up everything" which all lead up the the most hurtful and powerful lie of all:

"Everyone would be better off without you."

That was the dominant thought in my head and feeling in my heart on July 19, 2017. "Everyone would be better off without you." Doesn't matter that it isn't true. Doesn't matter that it makes no sense. At that point in time, that was what I believed and THAT was enough to convince me to take my own life.

It's important to me to make sure that I record that this didn't happen all at once. It was the result of years and years of conditioning myself to avoid conflict at all costs. It was the result of a lifetime of desperately wanting people close to me to see value in me, to love me, and to be proud of who I am...and a life time of falling short of their expectations.

This isn't a pity party. I'm not feeling "oh poor me." What I feel is quite the opposite really. I'm realizing that trying to earn some people's favor is futile. I'm realizing that trying to earn someone's love is futile. I'm learning that there are some people who will never be proud of the woman I've become; there are people who will always choose someone else's happiness and well-being over mine; there are people who will try to manipulate me in an effort to feel powerful and "in control".

I'm in no way attempting to "blame" anyone for where I am. I'm realizing that some people consistently cause me anxiety and pain. I'm realizing that it is just as important to protect myself as it is to make others happy.

All that is so easy to say...I'm not sure what that will feel like to actually put actions to those words. This is very foreign to me. I have always thought that putting others first at all costs made me a good person. I didn't realize that this is unhealthy.

Last week I talked about how feelings are unreliable. They are fickle and can cause confusion. It is important to me that I keep track of the facts in this...So, Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I just realized that this whole "adjusting my attitude, likes, wants, and needs so that I please people"  and "doing whatever i have to in order to earn people's love" train of thought goes against scripture. God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. HE made me just the way HE wants me to be to accomplish what HE wants from my life. I don't have to be different than the way He created me to be in order to be "good enough"... but that is a post for another day.

Much love and big hugs!
K

When Feelings Scream Louder Than Facts

On July 19th I tried to kill myself. There's really no easy way to say that; no way to make it less offensive or shocking. I don't know that I will ever be able to say those words without hesitation. This wasn't a cry for help or a plea for attention. I fully intended to end my life. That was my only goal. I am still working through the answer(s) to the most asked question, which is of course, "Why??"

There is no easy answer. I love my life. I love my family. I love my job, our church, and our community. I love my role as "pastor wife." I have lots of friends. There is really nothing I want to escape from...well, except for myself. Can't really escape myself. That's the one thing that I'm definitely stuck with. I'm still working thru all the things I don't like about me. That's a post for another day.

Another question that is often asked (although no one has asked me this to my face) is "How can a Christian commit suicide?"  I have asked this same question many times myself before July of this year. Now, my honest answer is that a Christian can feel hopelessness, despair, uncertainty, fear, and self loathing just like anyone else. A Christian can feel discouraged. A Christian can feel empty and alone. A Christian can feel overwhelmed by guilt. Being a Christian does not give a person super-powered immunity to the feelings that life's circumstances (and poor choices) bring with them. 

As a Christian, I also know that Jesus died for all my sin; I need not feel shame or guilt for the many ways I have fallen short of the Glory of God. As a Christian I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord; I can trust that God will work out all my circumstances so that my life brings Him glory. As a Christian, I know that God is, was, and is to come; I need not fear the future....God is already there. As a Christian, I know that Jesus came to give life and give it more abundantly; I need not look outside God's protection for fulfillment. As a Christian, I know that  God does not give me a spirit of fear. As a Christian I know that I HAVE joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; these are MY gifts, given to me by the Holy Spirit. As a Christian, I know God will never leave me or forsake me. As a Christian, I absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. As a Christian I also know that in this world I will have trouble...but that I can find strength in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world.

A Christian can commit suicide just like a non-Christian when feelings scream louder than facts. 

The thing I forgot to remember is that feelings are NOT facts; they are not reliable; they are fickle; and they are easily manipulated by the enemy of our souls. (But that is another post for another day)

Today, a little over a month after I cut my arms, wrists, and hands in a effort to end my life, my feelings are still screaming. My heart hurts. My thoughts are scrambled. My emotions are all over the place. I am absolutely torn between what I know to be true (I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the Creator of the Universe and that Jesus Christ died to pay the penalty for my sin and rose again so that I can spend eternity in heaven) and what I feel (I am worthless, a failure, and the people I love and the world in general would be better off without me). What I KNOW and what I FEEL are very different things and I am struggling every day to give less voice to my feelings and more to what I know to be true of myself in relationship to Jesus Christ.

Along with the things I mentioned above, there are some other things I know for certain: 

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I'm still a bit foggy on most everything else. 

Much love and big hugs

K

I have said many times, but will remind you again, that "The Battle" I refer to in the title of this blog is the battle Satan wages against our souls. It is based on the scripture that describes the Armor of God, found in the Book of Ephesians.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-17 (NIV)

If you skipped over the scripture, please stop here and go back and read it. Slowly. Hear what it is saying. I'll wait.

I don't know how long it will take me to get all that is in my head and heart into print. 

I trust you will be patient. 

As most of my readers know, I battled cancer twice (and won).  Most of that journey was recorded here in 2008 - 2011. I have often referred to those years as my time in "The Cancer Valley." I thought that was "my" battle. I thought that was the darkest valley I would travel through.

I was wrong.

It's now 2017, I am almost 6 years cancer free and I am without a doubt in the darkest valley I've ever known. I've been here for...a long time. I am wounded. Literally. I have been beaten and battered in more ways than I can express. My heart is heavy. My dreams are dark. My brain is clouded.  I honestly don't know when I will get to the other side of this...or if I will. 

If you know me or have read my writing for any length of time, you know that writing is my therapy. Everything seems to make more sense if I can just get it in print. I hope that will be the case with this. As with most everything I write, this is for me, but I am glad to share it with you. 

Starting Thursday, I will begin to post weekly, and in those posts will try my best to share what lead up to where I am today. After that, I hope to be able to share this journey to healing with you as I did when I battled cancer. It is my humble and earnest prayer that my journey will shed light on the reality of Satan's attack on Christians through Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide as I try to seek God's face, feel His presence, and find peace in the midst of this darkness. 

Until next time, 

Big hugs,

K