Sometimes it's okay not to be "okay"

I didn't go to the hospital after I cut my wrists. 

I should have, but I was pretty sure that a failed suicide attempt would get me committed, so I chose not to go.  It didn't seem real. The gaping holes in both my arms puzzled me. It was as though they shouldn't be there. When I got up the next morning, my arms were still bleeding. I knew I had to have some stitches. I called and made an appointment with my doctor. 

My Dr. closed up my arms and told me she would really like for me to have some "in-patient treatment."

I stayed in the hospital for 72 hours.

I slept...a lot. I read the Bible and wrote in my journal. I went to Group counseling and visited with my psychiatrist.  I remember feeling very...numb. It was like I was there...but I wasn't. Maybe it was all the meds they had me on. Maybe I was in shock. I had this feeling like I was dreaming...like I'd wake up at any moment and be at home, in my own bed, with no stitches in my arms.

Oh! One slightly funny thing did happen... 

The Psychiatrist asked me how long I'd been depressed and I said,

"Depressed? Oh, I'm not depressed." 

The look on his face was priceless when he looked over his glasses and said,

"Mrs. Williams, you tried to end your life yesterday. 

You are most certainly depressed."

We had a long discussion about what depression is and, sure enough, I agreed that I was/am "most certainly depressed."

I stayed in the hospital until I was "functional."

I think the definition of "functional" is "able to dress and feed yourself, and not cry 24 hours a day," because that's about how "functional" I was when I went home. 

But I DID get to go home.

I still had stitches in my arms. Calvin made sure someone was with me all the time. I didn't have any answers for why I did what I did. I wasn't sure myself. It was all very surreal. I felt dazed. My thoughts were dark and my mind was clouded.

I may have been "functional," but I was totally not "okay."

Since then, I've learned that if "functional" is the best you can do, then be "functional."
Sometimes it's okay to not be okay.

Much love and BIG hugs,

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.