Pandora's Box

I scheduled my first counseling session the Monday morning after I got out of the hospital on Saturday. (That would have been July 24, 5 days post-suicide attempt) Actually, I had a panic attack on my way to work and decided that counseling was probably a better idea than work. I am so thankful that I could get an appointment that same day.

My original counselor was exactly what I needed that day. He assured me that I would be okay, but that there is a process to this. He thought it best that I wait to return to work and just focus on recovering for a bit. I pressed him to release me to go back to work later that week, which he later told me he was not comfortable with. I should have listened to him then. I did rush to get back to "normal' instead of stopping to focus on what was going on in my head at the time.




After those initial visits, he focused on digging up "buried memories" and I quickly became defensive,  discouraged and frustrated. During my visit on August 1, he told me to picture myself in my earliest memory and tell him about that memory. I did. He told me to picture myself walking up to "little Kris" and tell her "everything is going to be okay."

I looked him square in the eye and said, "No. I'm not telling her that. That's a lie. Everything is NOT going to be okay." He reminded me that I AM okay. I have a family who loves me, a career I enjoy, a huge support system of friends, a home to live in...I AM okay. I told him "I tried to kill myself less than 2 weeks ago. I - am - not - o-kay."

I suppose I was a weeeee bit dramatic.

He asked me to sign a contract saying that I wouldn't try to hurt (or kill) myself again. I told him I could sign whatever he wants but "I can't honestly tell you that I won't."

Probably should have just signed the stupid contract, because that night I was admitted to a "short term" facility. When I was admitted, they told me I could stay there anywhere from 5-10 days. 

I stayed for 6 days and nights. 

This was NOT the best part of  my journey to healing. This is NOT something I want to do again. However, should I find myself in the frame of mind that I want to kill myself, I will go back -  if that's what it takes to protect me from myself. Besides, I learned a LOT while I was hospitalized the second time. One of the main things being that digging up all those buried memories is like opening Pandora's Box. There's really no telling what's in there and no way to know how that will affect me. Turns out, I have plenty of other, more pressing stuff to sort through than repressed childhood memories. It's okay to leave them buried...for now anyway. 

Much Love and BIG BIG Hugs!!!
K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.
• Digging up memories is like opening Pandora's Box.