I started this year off hoping that God would place in my heart an understanding of what Paul felt when he said that he wanted to know Christ in His suffering, His death, and Resurrection....to love God so much that everything else seemed like garbage in comparison.
Perhaps I was a bit Hasty and terribly naive to ask God to grant me this request. Never the less, I did ask, and God in His goodness and sovereignty has granted my request...at least as much of it as I can bear.
The thing I was MOST naive about was thinking that I could share such a journey in its entirety. I will try to do a better job.
3 weeks ago I saw Doc S about my voice. I've been getting progressively more hoarse for a couple of months. He looked at my vocal cords and saw suspicious tissue growing there. He took a picture for me to look at and told the resident in the room to get me scheduled for surgery.
2 weeks ago I had surgery on my vocal cords. After surgery, Doc told the hubbs that it could be scar tissue. I had a sick feeling in my gut that this was not going to be scar tissue. I have been looking at pictures of my vocal cords for 2 years. I know what they look like and I knew when I looked at that picture Doc's office that it was not good.
Last Sunday I sat on the floor and told God
"I really don't like this. I do not want to walk this road. I don't understand why, after 2 years this would be happening again. BUT i trust you and I know you have a plan and a purpose. So if I have to walk this road, please just don't make me walk it alone. I'll do whatever you ask if you will go with me. If this is the way it has to be, then draw me to Yourself and allow my life to bring others closer to You as we travel this road."
A week ago today Doc told me that all the samples they took came back positive for cancer. This realization steals my breath and makes me want to vomit. My family is devastated. It is hard to make the people who love us most understand that God uses ALL things for good for those who love Him...even cancer.
Last Tuesday I had all the CT scans done so that my case can go before the tumor board. They will determine the best course of treatment. Everything was busy last week. I didn't have much time to sit and think about all this. At some point I remembered my chat with my Maker. "I'll do what ever you ask".
Today Doc S let me know that he did not see anything on the CT scans! First bit of good news! Now, the oncologists could see things differently...they did last time. But for now I am celebrating the POSSIBILITY of not having to have my neck dissected again!
So, now you are up to speed and i can stop fretting over how much is happening and how I'll never get caught up on In The Battle. (I don't like entering a story in the middle).
I've gotten a clearer picture of something else too... in death Jesus was completely submissive to God. Completely submissive....whatever You want me to do, I will do. Jesus understood God's plan. Jesus KNEW God's heart. Jesus KNEW what the result of His life would be. I do not know these things. I do not understand. I BELIEVE that God has a plan and a purpose, but I don't understand it....or my role in it. And while I will never compare myself to my Lord and Savior, I am so thankful that God has blessed me by allowing me to understand a bit more about my Redeemer...and so thankful that God only gave me a tiny taste of these things.
As always, I wish I'd never stopped writing. I wish I'd shared with you day in and day out...especially over the past 3 weeks. It has been an emotional roller coaster! I pray that as we travel this road together that God will reveal more of himself to you. I will be as candid as i can bear, and as honest as I can stand to be.
On a slightly different but related note....I have been writing a monthly devotional on Victorious Living at The Hem of His Garment and last month I ended with "Next month we'll talk about fear". How about that?
When you talk to Jesus, please mention me.
Hugs!
K
