The Valley of Depression

I am writing this on September 28. 

It's important to note that because this will not be published until the middle of October. I am hoping and praying that by that time I will no longer feel the way I do today. Still, how I feel today is important. I want to give voice to where I am now...and on the happen chance that someone else who is traveling this road finds themselves reading my words...know you are not alone.

I have said before, if you are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, PLEASE seek out PROFESSIONAL help. 

There are WONDERFUL counselors who are trained to help walk you out of this dark place. You are not alone in your struggle. You are not the only one who feels this way. There is nothing "wrong" with you anymore than there is something "wrong" with someone who has cancer or diabetes or any other disease. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you would go to the doctor to get medicine and help and support. Depression is no different. There IS hope, but YOU must take action and get the help YOU need. It is out there. Go get it. 

That being said, there is no easy fix. 

As I write this, I've been hospitalized twice, I am currently on 2 meds: one for depression and one for anxiety. I also take something at night to help me relax and sleep well. I am meeting with a wonderful Christian counselor every other week. (I may change that to every week and will discuss this change with Perry when I see him on Tuesday.) I am SO much better than I was 3 months ago. I am better than I was 6 months ago...or even a year ago.

I DO have good days, but I still have more bad days than good days. 

The good days are precious to me and they give me hope. I believe that this valley will not last forever, even though today it is very very dark. 

I am going to try to describe where I am today.

Everyone thinks that suicide is such a terrible thing. 

Honestly, where I am now is so much worse. It's more than I can describe. I'm NOT going to kill myself. I took that option off the table, and that's what everyone seems to be so worried about, but I feel like I am going to crumble to pieces at any moment. It's like I am barely holding it together and if anyone touches me I will literally break into a million pieces. I fight back tears constantly and I am afraid if I ever let that dam open, I may not stop crying...ever. 

Worst thing is, I don't see any way out of this. 

Suicide is not an option. I'm not supposed to "stuff" my feelings anymore, because "they" say that's what lead to me trying to kill myself in the first place. I'm just left to FEEL all this....terribleness. And I HATE it. I don't know what to DO with it. I don't know how to DEAL with it. Heck! I don't even know how to identify what these feelings are, much less figure out where they are coming from! It is absolutely maddening.

I keep telling myself, "Just one more day." 

I feel so FRAGILE. I feel like I can't be depended on, like I can't carry my weight in things, like I am not meeting expectations. Like I am letting people down because I can't get my act together. (and yes, I know that is Striver and Self Critic talking)

I don't want to be like this forever.

I don't want to FEEL this way forever. I don't want to have to keep TELLING myself "Suicide is not an option. Just get through today." The only way I know how to deal with this is to put all these feelings that I don't like in a box, put a lid on it, wrap it up with tape and bury it deep deep deep so that I can't feel any of it. Out of sight, out of mind. The way I would normally deal with this is take a deep breath and tell myself, 

"Suck it up, you are fine, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Put those bad feelings in a box and forget about them.  Don't be such a baby about this. Get a grip and Move on." 

(I suppose that would be Controller, Striver, Perfectionist and Self Critic speaking)

I can't do that now. I'm afraid to. If they would stay buried another 44 years, that'd be just fine. 

I mean, a nervous break down at 88 is not such a big deal I guess. 
I'm just not so sure that all my "junk" will stay buried now. I am not in control of my feelings. I can't control my thoughts or emotions. Everything is different. Everything is a jumbled, mixed up, hot stinkin mess. I feel very weak and vulnerable. I feel so .... fragile.  And I HATE it. 

So, when I say "I'm okay," I mean, "I'm holding it together for now." 

I am selfishly praying that eventually I will be able to honestly say "I'm good," but I won't lie anymore and say I'm fine or I'm good when I'm not. But if I say I'm okay, I am. That's the best I can do. I don't know if you can be suicidal and know that you won't act on killing yourself, but if that's possible, that's where I am. Maybe knowing that I won't act on it makes me NOT suicidal. I don't know. 

I have never felt so helpless. 

I can HONESTLY tell you that cancer was easy compared to this. This is the worst valley I've ever been in. I believe that this will get better eventually, but am prepared for it not to. This may just be something I carry with me. Either way, I have to learn how to cope with this level of depression. 

Counseling is helping. 

It really is. Perry is very calm about things. When I tell him that I feel like a total wack job and that I am losing my mind, he'll say "Is that a bad thing?" According to Perry, I don't have to be in control of my emotions all the time. (gasp) He even suggested that I work on "letting go." 

I'm not on board with all this yet, but I have hope. I can see where it makes sense. Just not sure what will happen if I loosen the vice grip I have on my feelings and emotions. That is a frightening thought.

Depression totally sucks on a level of epic proportions. 

I want to give up every single day. 

But I'm not going to. 

I'm going to fight (or crawl) through this and I WILL be fine at some point in time. 

I'm looking forward to that day.

Big hugs and much love,

K

PS
 As of October 17, I'm still here, doing a bit better, having a few more good days now than I was having even just a month ago. Still have some very rough days, but I am hopeful.

Warning Signs - Suicidal Thoughts

I feel the need to make a disclaimer....I am only writing about my suicide attempt. I am in no way qualified to help someone else deal with suicidal thoughts, nor do I want to. This is how I work through things. I have lots of "aha" moments as I write through situations. As always, you are totally welcome to join me on this journey through the valley and if you have "aha" moments along the way too, well that is stinkin AWESOME...but my goal is to find healing for myself. I'm being a bit selfish about that right now. I will put in reminders to seek PROFESSIONAL help when that thought hits me. I believe with everything in me that, had I not spent time in the hospital and had I not found a wonderful counselor once I got out, I would most definitely have tried to kill myself again. Getting help from someone who knows HOW to help is SOOOO important. Ok. I feel better now. On to today's post....

Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for as long as I can remember.  In one of my group sessions, the therapist asked, "Who has had thoughts of suicide?" Only 2 others raised their hand. I was shocked. I really thought that the other 15 or so people in the group were not being honest. The option of suicide was such a natural and constant part of the way I thought about things that I could not believe everyone didn't think this way.

For me, suicide was always a valid option.  It wasn't scary. It didn't feel dark or sinister. The thought of suicide didn't evoke any emotion in me. It wasn't something I thought needed to be talked about. It was just a matter of fact..."Is this worth killing myself over?" felt very much the same as "Am I hungry enough to fix myself something to eat?" It never crossed my mind that this was dark, unusual, unnatural, or wrong.  I think it is important to make this clear. I didn't just decide on July 19th that I would kill myself. This was something I'd considered hundreds of times over the course of my life.

These thoughts were such a normal part of my thought process, it did not alarm me when I thought "Everyone would be better off without me. I should do them all a favor and just go ahead and kill myself."  I simply believed that "everyone" would be better off without me. The thought of the people I love being stuck with someone like me when they could be with someone so much better than me was finally enough to tip the scale and this time when I asked myself, "Is this worth killing yourself over?" the answer was "yes."

  

As is usually the case, I've had an "aha" moment as I've worked through this post.  

Instead of using "is this worth killing myself over?" as my gauge of how bad something is, I am going to ask, "In a year, will I still feel this way? In a month? In a week?" 

I'm learning to tell myself "hang on. It will get better" and it does. It always does. 

If you think that things are so bad that the only way to end the pain is to end your life, trust me on this...it WILL get better. Hang on. Just Hang on. Reach out for help...PROFESSIONAL help...someone who is trained to help you get through the darkness.

Hmmm...I think that's enough for today...

Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.
• It will get better. It always does.

Much love and big hugs-

K

The Struggle With Telling My "Suicide Story"

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to take my life. It seems like a lifetime ago, and at the same time feels like yesterday. Honestly, I want very much to just put the whole situation in a box, put a lid on it, tape it up tight and bury it deep deep down so that I never have to think about it again. Sitting at the keyboard and forcing myself to think through this each week is...well, it's hard.

I struggle with a few things as I sort through all this.

I don't ever want anyone to look to my blog as a source of "what to do" or "what no to do" when considering suicide. I spent weeks looking online and reading about the different ways to end my life, the probability of success with different methods, the pain involved, etc. I don't want to add my story to that source of information. Suicide is not the answer to any sort of troubles, no matter what those troubles are. I read something recently that I have taken to heart: "Suicide doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers it to another person." I have found this to be so true. My suicide attempt hurt many people. I cannot imagine what a successful attempt would have done to them.

I don't want to glamorize suicide. There is absolutely nothing good or glamorous about it. It is a desperate act by a desperate person whose pain is so great that the only way they can see to end the pain is to end their life. Again, ending your life doesn't end the pain, it simply transfers the pain from you to the people who love you. Suicide is terrible. There is nothing good about it.  I don't ever want my writing about my struggle with it to be "cool" or "interesting". It is sad. That's all. Just very very sad.

My goal in writing about this part of my life is simple. 

I want to share the little things that lead up to that night, because I didn't just wake up one day and decide life wasn't worth living.

I want to share what happened the night I tried to kill myself. There is something amazing in the midst of all the terrible devastation that is so totally worth sharing.

I want to share my journey to healing and becoming whole. This is the main thing I want to share, but in order to share this, I have to share (and come to grips with) how I got here in the first place. 

If you are just now joining my story, it's like starting a book in the middle. I think you will better understand these and future posts if you go back and read my posts from 2009 - 2011. I think that will give you a better understanding of who I am, what is important to me, and why my suicide attempt is so... strange. 

I have struggled with telling the story of "that night," but I know I need to. I need to be honest with myself about how that all went down. 

I guess I've chickened out today. I've had 2 really great days and I still don't have many of those. Going down that dark path and focusing on how it felt the night I tried to end my life is just not something I want to do today. My plan is to discuss all those little things that lead up to the point that I thought the world would be better off without me when I post next week. The week after that I will describe the events of the day I tried to end my life. The next few posts after that will be about being hospitalized and trial and error with different counselors. THEN we can move on to where I actually am NOW....on the road to healing.

There is a huge part of me that wants to just forget all about this. If I don't record it, I will definitely put it in a box and hide it away. It is important for me to remember how I got here....because I don't EVER want to find myself in that place where the only thought in my head is that I want to die.

Bug Hugs!

K