I had a moment earlier this year when I started to seriously question if what I do matters. Around this same time, our friend Todd challenged Calvin and me with this question, "If you couldn't put it on Social Media, would you still do it?" This conversation was multi-faceted - we applied it to mission opportunities and church service as well as things we do with our families and friends. Together, these two thoughts merged into over a month of questioning why I do what I do and if what I do is worth anything. This naturally morphed into wondering - if what I do DOES matter...why?
I do have a friend who tolerates these internal struggles and that friend is always quick to remind me that I'm perfect the way God made me, that I matter to the people who love me, that others are inspired and encouraged by how I lean on God through my struggles, and that I really do have a lot going for me. Friends who love you always see the best in you. Everyone needs that friend. I'm thankful.
I started asking myself things like
"Why do I write?" I've felt like I "should" write again, but didn't really want to. I felt pressured to write again, but I'm not sure why.
"Why do I paint?" I've felt like I "should" get some paint workshops going. Both sets of parents have requested paintings. I just haven't felt inspired to paint. Again, I felt pressured to, and I'm not sure why.
"Why do I want to play piano?" I feel guilty for dropping piano lessons. It got hard and I quit. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to do it- so I quit. So I wrestled with whether or not I "should" continue- do I want to or do I just feel like I "should"?
Finally, I sat with "Would I still enjoy any of things I do if I couldn't post my successes it on social media and get all the praise? Do I actually enjoy painting, writing, teaching, and planning ladies events... or do I just enjoy the praise I receive when these things turn out well?
At this same time I was overwhelmed with social media. I followed too many people and was just overwhelmed by all the information in my news feeds and timelines. So I got off of IG and FB all together. I still have the accounts, but have removed them from constant view. The results of this have been interesting... but that is a post for another day.
So - why do I write? I started this blog for me. Initially to work through the growing pangs of being a new preacher wife. Then I was diagnosed with cancer and the blog morphed into working through that. Then I had a small following and I got all caught up in the visitor numbers and trying to get comments and... well that was just a mess. I started trying to write about things that people would respond to. That didn't work for me. It made writing a burden. Then I was diagnosed with cancer a second time and i didn't have as much to say. As always is the case, I truly wish I had recorded that journey as faithfully as I did the first. Oh Well. Then cancer was over and... well what do you write about that compares to cancer? Then depression came to the forefront and I attempted suicide... and I worked through a lot of that. Then covid and elections and Trump and Biden and facemasks and vaccines and blah blah blah...
So - I'm writing for me. Not worried about followers or comments. Don't care if no one ever reads it. I'm writing for me. This is my place to work thru - whatever I need to work thru. My thoughts, my opinions, my words. IF by chance things happen that allow me to share encouragement with someone, then great. but for the most part, I'm just blabbering about whatever is going on in my head. I enjoy writing. I have lots of words to use. So yeah, I'll write with or without the praise.
Now - Why do I paint? I used to love it. It used to be so much fun. I really enjoyed the whole process of getting images out of my head and onto canvas. Then I started doing paint workshops and in the process of this got really sensitive about whether or not people "liked" the things I painted. People started asking me to paint things for them and USUALLY that worked out well... but there was 1 person I couldn't satisfy. Then there was another request that I couldn't do to MY satisfaction. Then a few of my workshops didn't make. Annnd I stopped painting.
So - I think I'm going to adopt the same attitude about painting as I have about writing. I'm going to paint for me. Just paint what I like and what I think is cute or pretty or amazing or challenging or whatever. I'm not going to post anything on FB or IG. There are craft shows scheduled for this fall and Christmas season, so I may just do those. I don't know. I DO know that I am just going to paint for now. I don't know how that's gonna work out. I guess that's okay. I think I will enjoy it and will be proud of what i paint without other people telling me whether or not it's "good enough." Time will tell.
Piano is a different animal all together. Why do I want to play? I love piano. I have a whole piano playlist on Pandora. I want to be able to sit down and play - for me - just because the music makes me happy. Calvin asked me if I wanted to take lessons and play keyboard at the church. I started lessons and loved it. Then it got hard and all I could do was imagine trying to play for the church and messing it all up. I put a lot of pressure on myself to excel... and maybe I'm just not excellent on Piano. Maybe I'm just a middle of the road piano tinkerer. Maybe I just need to play for myself. That's okay,
Goodness! Maybe that's what all this is about! I want to be excellent. I WANT to be the best. I mean - not THE best. I want to be excellent though. I want the things I do to be liked. I want the things I do to be impressive. I DO live for the "atta girl".
I need to be okay with just being okay.
That's what this all boils down to.
Well, That worked out easier than I anticipated.
Going forward, I'm going to do the things I enjoy simply because I enjoy doing them. That includes writing, painting, piano, crochet, ladies' ministry, mission work, church service, hangin out with the kiddos and the Preacher and whatever else comes along.
Hugs-
K
