Please Join Me at the Internet Cafe today

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Today is my birthday. I have MUCH to be thankful for. I honestly did not think that I would be here to celebrate 45 years, but, thanks to God and His overwhelming mercy and grace...here I am. What better way to top off my 45th than to invite you to join me at the Internet Cafe where I've shared a bit more about my journey to healing.

Only God could lead me out of the pit of depression. I still have hard days. This journey isn't over, but....

Everyone thinks that suicide is such a terrible thing.

Honestly, where I am now is so much worse. It’s more than I can describe. I’m NOT going to kill myself. I took that option off the table, and that’s what everyone seems to be so worried about, but I feel like I am going to crumble to pieces at any moment. It’s like I am barely holding it together and if anyone touches me I will literally break into a million pieces. I feel so FRAGILE. I feel like I can’t be depended on, like I can’t carry my weight in things, like I am not meeting expectations. I feel like I am letting people down because I can’t get my act together.  I fight back tears constantly and I am afraid if I ever let that dam open, I may not stop crying…ever. I don’t want to FEEL this way. I don’t want to have to keep TELLING myself, “Just get through today.”(excerpt from my personal blog)

Perhaps you’re sitting in the dark, trying to find the light again. Perhaps you’re struggling through each day, putting on a smile to hide the darkness that wants to swallow you whole. If so, I’m glad you’re here. Please, sit with me a while.

I’ve spent the past months trying desperately to soothe the ache in my soul that brought me to this dark place.

Continue reading here Internet Cafe

Much Love and BIG BIG Hugs!!!!!!!!

K

Project Simicolon

I found lots of "stuff" while searching for help and answers after surviving a suicide attempt.

This is one of my favorite discoveries.

It's Project Semicolon.

Heard of it?

Here's the skinny...

Isn't that great?

I think so!

How about this...

And finally...

Tomorrow is my 45th birthday and

I'm still here;

Much love and Big BIG hugs!

K

Things I learned in the Tattoo shop- Part 1

I got my survivor tattoo Friday night. I love it. I drew it, and it is amazing...not because I drew it, but because it is totally and completely mine... but that's a post for another day.

I had to wait for about an hour before the girl doing my tattoo could get to me and, while I was waiting, I was struck by how very out of place I felt. Not one person in the entire place was dressed like me. My hair and make up were completely different from everyone else's. They played music I'd never heard. They talked differently than I do...they used words I'm not comfortable with...words that are neither part of my vocabulary nor the vocabulary of anyone I normally talk to. Aside from their choice of adjectives, they talked candidly about things I do not discuss with...well, anyone and about other things that I am only vaguely familiar with.

I mean, I was in THEIR place. I didn't expect them to change the music. (Although I HONESTLY did not know that a song could contain so many expletives.) I didn't expect them to change their speech to make me comfortable; I realize that not everyone talks like me. The way they were dressed was pretty much what I expected, as were their hairstyles, tattoos, piercings, and make up. I mean... I was in a tattoo shop. None of that bothered me much.  No, what made me feel terribly self conscious and very much like I did not belong (and not only did I not belong, but that they did not care if I stayed or if I left) had nothing to do with any of these things.

They made me feel...awkward. (and not in my usual "I'm such an awkward person" kinda way.) They looked through me. They talked around me. They didn't make eye contact with me. If I asked a question, I only got the most basic answer. Any attempt I made at conversation was futile. I REALLY felt like they would rather I leave. (Which I'm sure is not the case.) They seemed to feel uncomfortable around ME and trying to talk to them only seemed to make that worse.

I was totally an outsider. 

All this made me stop and wonder, "Is this how one of them (the folks working and hanging out at the tattoo shop) would feel if he or she came to my church?" I would hope not, but I can see where it might be the case... sadly, most likely WOULD be the case. 

A friend (who has lots of ink) told me once,  "I was so moved during the worship service this morning. I had my hands raised and tears running down my face... and the old ladies were lookin' at me like I'm gonna blow the place up or something." 

This was not at my church, but that doesn't matter...it could be any church on any Sunday morning.

I have rolled it around in my head for several days now and I want so MUCH to be able to put words to what I am feeling.

We (church folks) spend a lot of time and effort trying to figure out how to make "the unchurched" feel welcome in our churches. We change the music. We change the lighting. We wear jeans. We try not to use so many "churchy" words. 

I think we are missing something very important. (and harder to change)

After my experience at the tattoo shop, I believe that it isn't the music, the language, differences in dress, hair, make up, etc. that make "Unchurched" people feel uncomfortable.

It's US.

We do the SAME thing to people who do not fit our traditional idea of what a Christian looks like that the folks in the tattoo shop did to me.

We look through them. 

We talk around them.

We answer their questions in the most basic way possible.

WE feel uncomfortable...and it shows.

What if, instead of being uncomfortable because I am focused on how someone isn't like me, I acted more like this:

• Hi! I'm Kris. So glad you're here this morning! Is this your first time here? Well, you need to know a few things: the Restrooms are down the hall to the right, the preschool department is down the hall to the left. That's Mr. Robert...He'll start snoring during the sermon, so don't let that startle you.

• How old is your daughter? Would you like to see what the kids do on Sunday Mornings? Here, I'll take you upstairs and show you where the kids have their worship time. Sure, you can stay in there with her if you think that will make her feel more comfortable. I'll stay too if you want.

• Several of us are going to eat, would you like to join us?

I don't think the music or the color of the carpet or the pews or the way the preacher dresses would matter much to "unchurched" people... if we just loved them. People are hurting. We all fight all day every day to...well, to just get through the day.

What if  "church"  was the one place you felt absolutely loved and accepted? What if "church people" were the ones you could count on to encourage you, cheer you on, support you, cry with you, be NICE to you?

All I know for sure is this, as long as I am in church I will do my best to make sure that anyone who comes through our doors feels welcome, accepted, and loved.

I'm gonna love them and leave it to God to change what HE thinks needs changin.

(don't get all huffy and think I'm saying that we should condone sin. I'm not. Only saying that I'm not going to worry about other people's sin so much. Goodness knows I have enough of my own to deal with.)

Much love and BIG hugs!

K

Faking it

I don't know what to think about all this.

Yesterday I cried half the day. I was so upset. Couldn't really tell you WHY I was so upset, but goodness, I just wanted to crawl into bed and stay there.

Then I had the conversation with the friend who, very lovingly and with my best interests in mind, told me to either suck it up and be okay or fake being okay. She made me realize that people are not as understanding about this as they say they are. She also made me understand that this REALLY is my battle to fight; that even though others say "I'm here for you," or "just call if you need to talk," that offer is not open ended, which is what I need.

It's all good. Really. People are just people. They all have their own closet load of crap to deal with.

I think I mentioned that about a week ago another friend very lovingly told me that I probably should just not talk about it anymore...or maybe she said not to talk about it so much. Either way, she's tired of hearing about it. And GOODNESS knows, I get it. There's only so much a person can stand.

According to (some of) the people in my life, it is time to be over this.

 Well, I'm not as "over this" as I think they think I should be. I still spend days telling myself "Dying is not an option. This will pass. It always does. Just hold on." I do have "good days." (The criteria for "good" is that I don't wish I was dead.) So I have days that I wish I was dead and days that I don't. SOME days I do enjoy parts of the day.

I've actually felt pretty good today. I don't wish I was dead. I'm kinda glad to be here. I'm not upset in the least. I MIGHT even go so far as to say that I'm pretty mellow...sorta "chill".

Nothing in my life has changed from yesterday to today. Nothing. Not one single thing.

But

For some strange reason

I am totally okay.


I'm not sure if I "stuffed" it all down- "Sucked it up" if you will- or if I just really am okay today. This FEELS very familiar. It FEELS like....hmmm....like "Okay, I don't want to deal with this right now. Therefore, it doesn't exist." Maybe something more along the lines of, "I don't know how to manage this so I'm putting it in a box, wrapping it in tape and burying it deep, deep down so that I don't have to deal with it." Whatever it is, whether I am suddenly "better" or  faking it so well that I've fooled myself or finally buried this mess so that I don't have it staring me in the face...I like it. It feels much better than what ever was happening yesterday.

I'm on my way to see Perry, so I suppose this is what we will talk about today.

Much love and Big Big hugs!!!
K

The Battle Isn't Over

I wasn't going to write tonight, but I've sat here at the keyboard for hours. The blank screen and blinking cursor are staring back at me as if to ask "Well, what is it? What do you want to say?"

It is taking everything in me to write tonight. So far I'm not doing a very good job. I don't know how to put words to where I am.  I think it is important though...to record where I am. I think it is important to be honest about this journey.

Before I go any further, please know that I am NOT going to hurt or kill myself. At least I don't think I will.

No, I'm not going to hurt myself. That is still true.

I don't want or need to be hospitalized. I am not crying out for help. I just need to be left alone for a little minute. Let me process this. I'll be fine. I will. I am definitely not okay tonight...but I've learned that I can trust myself even when I am not okay.  I just need to process where I am, then figure out what to do. It may take me a little minute to get myself together, but I will. I always do.

Anyway...Here we go...  

It seems like every time I think I'm beating this; I fall apart...and I swear I think each fall is worse than the one before. I'm not sure how that can be, but really, I feels that way. It feels like I fall farther every time. It's harder to recover every time I fall.

I shared one post from this season on my FB and had SUCH a positive response... I am ashamed to be where I am today. This weekend I TRULY was fine. I was happy even. Today I am falling apart.

I feel like a failure, a fraud, a freak. I feel like I lied...even though I know that I absolutely did not. I WAS better. I WAS. I TRULY thought that I was done with the suicide / depression valley. I truly thought that I had overcome this darkness. Now it's back.

It's like I get hit with a gigantic black blob of thick sticky suffocating gunk that immediately swallows me up. People tell me to "think happy thoughts" and "just don't think about it" but they don't understand. It is all consuming. It hits me so hard, sends me reeling, steals my breath, paralyzes me. I don't have TIME to get my feet under me and "think happy thoughts." All I can think is "Oh my God, this is going to kill me."

I do NOT want to feel this way anymore.

I don't think I CAN do this anymore.

I know that everyone has bad days and I don't expect to NOT have bad days. I don't understand why my "bad days" are so crippling. Why do I have several days where I feel completely normal, and then wake up one morning feeling so freaking BROKEN? Why do I feel so FRAGILE? Why do I feel so helpless?

I don't know what else to say.
It's like this darkness is never going to go away.
I feel like it is swallowing me and there is no way out.

I remember when I had cancer, there came a time when "everyone" was over it. I totally understood. They were just tired of hearing about it, talking about it.  I was "well" so it was time to move on.

That's where I am now. I have reached out to 2 different people and both said in a very loving way that it is time to "suck it up" and "just fake it" if that's what it takes.  Both said that I can't keep on like this or "someone will say something." It's interesting to realize how people really feel...when they give you advice. "I'm sure you feel so guilty for...what you tried to do. I'm sure you wonder what people think. You don't want all of us walking on eggshells because we are afraid to upset you." It's funny... I have not HONESTLY given much thought to what anyone thinks about what I've done or gone through. I have very little energy to worry about anything other than getting through each day. These are both friends. They both love me and would never hurt my feelings. They are honest...and they are honestly tired of my...what ever you want to call this.

I said a few posts ago that I choose to fight this.

I guess that REALLY is a choice I have to make daily.

I FEEL like I should be over this by now...But have discussed how fickle and undependable feelings are. Maybe I shouldn't be over it yet. Maybe I really never will be.

But I am going to fight it..or fake it...or suck it up...or whatever I have to do so that I seem okay.  I'll continue to be honest here. That's only fair. I will be honest with my family and my counselors. Outside of that, I will...

(sigh)

I will get up, I will get dressed, I will put on my lipstick and fix my hair and

I will suck it up and fake being fine...

Until I really am.



Much love and big hugs
K