Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Faking it

I don't know what to think about all this.

Yesterday I cried half the day. I was so upset. Couldn't really tell you WHY I was so upset, but goodness, I just wanted to crawl into bed and stay there.

Then I had the conversation with the friend who, very lovingly and with my best interests in mind, told me to either suck it up and be okay or fake being okay. She made me realize that people are not as understanding about this as they say they are. She also made me understand that this REALLY is my battle to fight; that even though others say "I'm here for you," or "just call if you need to talk," that offer is not open ended, which is what I need.

It's all good. Really. People are just people. They all have their own closet load of crap to deal with.

I think I mentioned that about a week ago another friend very lovingly told me that I probably should just not talk about it anymore...or maybe she said not to talk about it so much. Either way, she's tired of hearing about it. And GOODNESS knows, I get it. There's only so much a person can stand.

According to (some of) the people in my life, it is time to be over this.

 Well, I'm not as "over this" as I think they think I should be. I still spend days telling myself "Dying is not an option. This will pass. It always does. Just hold on." I do have "good days." (The criteria for "good" is that I don't wish I was dead.) So I have days that I wish I was dead and days that I don't. SOME days I do enjoy parts of the day.

I've actually felt pretty good today. I don't wish I was dead. I'm kinda glad to be here. I'm not upset in the least. I MIGHT even go so far as to say that I'm pretty mellow...sorta "chill".

Nothing in my life has changed from yesterday to today. Nothing. Not one single thing.

But

For some strange reason

I am totally okay.


I'm not sure if I "stuffed" it all down- "Sucked it up" if you will- or if I just really am okay today. This FEELS very familiar. It FEELS like....hmmm....like "Okay, I don't want to deal with this right now. Therefore, it doesn't exist." Maybe something more along the lines of, "I don't know how to manage this so I'm putting it in a box, wrapping it in tape and burying it deep, deep down so that I don't have to deal with it." Whatever it is, whether I am suddenly "better" or  faking it so well that I've fooled myself or finally buried this mess so that I don't have it staring me in the face...I like it. It feels much better than what ever was happening yesterday.

I'm on my way to see Perry, so I suppose this is what we will talk about today.

Much love and Big Big hugs!!!
K


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