PRAISES!!!

I was initially planning to vent about how much I DON'T like the "radiation folks". I have truly been disgruntled with Dr Radiation. He seems to think that Radiation is like spring water...it just makes us more attractive, smarter, and smell better. Monday I told him "my throat really hurts and I feel like I can't breathe" his response... "well, your neck isn't red." REALLY???? Didn't say anything about my neck,....but evidently he thinks that damage on the outside is all that matters. So, there, I have vented...now for the good stuff....

I went to see Doc S yesterday morning (because I was so upset about Dr Radiation's lack of concern with how I feel) and he looked at my throat (go figure!!) and said that he will see me once a week to check my progress (and damage). He said that i have plenty of room to breathe, but have more damage than he expected to see this early....but also that he normally does not see patients until they are done with treatment. He said that we'll let Dr Radiation take care of the radiation and he (Doc S) will take care of my throat and vocal cords. He also told me to take B-Complex because it helps with healing...something else that Radiation didn't mention.

So...praise number one...DOC S!!!! Thank you Father God for Doc S and for his concern for my throat during radiation and for his awareness that i want to have as little damage as possible when this is over!

Praise number 2...MY VOICE IS IMPROVING!!!! The radiation is SUPPOSED to make me LOSE my voice, so this makes absolutely NO SENSE, but it IS!!!!!! God is gracious to me is so many ways, but this is such a huge blessing to my heart! Not to say that I will not lose it again, but for NOW, it is improving! Isn't it JUST LIKE GOD to do something like this?!?

Praise number 3... I actually felt BETTER last week rhan i did the week before!!! MY THOAT WAS EVEN LESS sore. Honest! Would not sugar coat this cause I want all the sympathy I can get! (hee hee) Now, again, this could change at any moment and I realize that this may very well just be the calm before the storm, but even so...IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! I even asked about my radiation dosage yesterday because I thought maybe it was like a Z-Pak and i got a higher dose the first week or so and was now getting a lower dosage and thus feeling not as bad...but NO! I am getting the same dosage every day. The effects of the radiation are supposed to BUILD. I just found out this weekend from someone that Dose #12 was the one that was "the beginning of the end" where she was SO sick.

I get number 10 today and, I honestly feel good.Okay, I am a little tired and my throat hurts a bit...but the point is, i feel BETTER than I did this time last week!!!

The ONLY thing I can attribute it to is the enormous amount of people who are going to HIM on my behalf!!!! Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers! God is so merciful and so gracious. I am blessed beyond measure! Thank you all for thinking of me, encouraging me, and for PRAYING for me! I knew that God was going to do SOMETHING in my heart, but had no idea that He was going to AFFIRM the ABSOLUTE power of prayer!

Even if i crash and burn tomorrow, and feel wretched the rest of this journey, I want you ALL to know how AMAZED I am that God saw fit to give me these blessings this week!

There is one other thing I must mention....God humbled me while i was waiting to see Doc S yesterday. I saw a woman who was covered in burns...hands, arms, legs, feet. HORRID scarring from what must have been excruciating burns! I also saw several people confined to wheelchairs, with traches, completely dependant on others to take care of them. As I sat there I felt so guilty for being a baby about taking radiation. no matter how bad this gets for me...it WILL be over at some point. What a blessed reminder! What I have IS curable!!! Praise God for THAT!

Thank you again.....

K

ps...i am praying that God will help me understand Dr Radiation's thought process concerning the effects of the radiation and that I will either understand that his feelings and thoughts are correct...or that I will have the opportunity to correct him....hee hee hee

What I've learned about me

Will have my 3rd radiation treatment this afternoon.

I hate this more than I could have ever imagined. My throat hurts and I was tired all weekend.However....I did get a lot of rest this weekend and am not as tired today. Voice is almost completely gone.

I'll talk to Dr C this week about pain meds.

My biggest fear right now is that my throat will swell shut. I have never been one to worry or to be afraid, but I can honestly say that I DO dread the wrath of radiation.

I got an e-mail from an old friend last week telling me that she knew how strong my faith is, but is sure that I am struggling with this. Her e-mail was touching because i have not "talked" to her in a very long time, but it also prompted me to stop and consider the state of my heart as I embark on this leg of my journey. I found myself asking "Am I struggling? Am I saying 'i'm okay' just because that's what I say, or am I REALLY okay?" Her e-mail made me stop and ask myself, "is my faith shaken by this turn of events?"

I am thrilled that I have had the opportunity to examine my heart in this way, because it is so easy to lose sight of what I TRULY believe. I would be lying if I said I'm happy about this situation. However, I REALLY am okay, and i am so thankful that God used an old friend to give me a nudge and prompt me to examine my heart... Here's what I discovered about me....

Much has happened in my life and I am a different person than I was when I faced this 2 years ago. Maybe not so much different as I am much more of the same. I believe more than ever that things are either of God or of Satan. I am more solidified in my faith than ever before. I believe more than ever that spiritual warfare is very real. I believe more than ever that Satan is prowling around like a lion looking for someone...anyone...to devour. I believe more than ever that Satan will use whatever and whomever he can to wreak havoc on God's people. I believe with every fiber of my being that my battle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers and principalities of this dark world. I declared war on Satan a year or so ago. Took a stand and declared that I am NOT afraid of him or his minions. I even joked that this was possibly not a good idea. I believe that Satan has me in his sights and would be lying if I denied that he has wounded me severely, but I can honestly and truthfully tell you that I still am not afraid. I am even more excited than ever to be in the battle. God is sovereign. He is in control. Looking back now, I can see that God Himself prepared me for this 2nd battle with cancer. I trust Him more than ever. I believe His ways are best especially when I really do not understand what He is doing. Again and again, He has carried me through things that I thought I would literally kill me, but in the end these things have brought me great joy because they deepened my relationship with my Savior. My heart has ached more than I thought possible, but God was there all along holding on to me. God is good and loving and always knows what I NEED. God is merciful and gracious to me. He has not left me alone. I trust Him completely and know that He will use all these things to bring Glory to Himself and can confidently tell you that I am perfectly okay.

If you ever knew me, you knew that I wanted more than anything to be used by God. That is still my greatest desire and has only been multiplied over the past 6 months. I serve God. That's what I do. Many do not understand, but I love Him and have gladly surrendered my whole life to Him. If He can use me better when I have cancer, then I am glad to have it. I am finally beginning to grasp what Paul meant when he said that everything else is rubbish compared to knowing Christ. More than ever, there is nothing I want more than to let others witness this Awesome God I serve and to see how much He loves His children. He alone is the only thing I cannot bear to lose. Jesus said that in this world there WILL be trouble, but HE is with us always. I have learned to lean heavily on this promise. Though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear NO evil. Not because I'm all brave and stuff, but because GOD's rod and HIS staff comfort me. So, I'm good. I really am. I'm sick... no denying that. I am grieving the loss of Nanny- the most amazing Christian woman I have ever known. I dread how sick the radiation will make me and I hate that my family has to go through this. But I am not struggling and I am not worried. I am really truthfully honestly okay.