Monday, July 25, 2011

What I've learned about me

Will have my 3rd radiation treatment this afternoon.
I hate this more than I could have ever imagined. My throat hurts and I was tired all weekend.However....I did get a lot of rest this weekend and am not as tired today. Voice is almost completely gone.
I'll talk to Dr C this week about pain meds.
My biggest fear right now is that my throat will swell shut. I have never been one to worry or to be afraid, but I can honestly say that I DO dread the wrath of radiation.
I got an e-mail from an old friend last week telling me that she knew how strong my faith is, but is sure that I am struggling with this. Her e-mail was touching because i have not "talked" to her in a very long time, but it also prompted me to stop and consider the state of my heart as I embark on this leg of my journey. I found myself asking "Am I struggling? Am I saying 'i'm okay' just because that's what I say, or am I REALLY okay?" Her e-mail made me stop and ask myself, "is my faith shaken by this turn of events?"
I am thrilled that I have had the opportunity to examine my heart in this way, because it is so easy to lose sight of what I TRULY believe. I would be lying if I said I'm happy about this situation. However, I REALLY am okay, and i am so thankful that God used an old friend to give me a nudge and prompt me to examine my heart... Here's what I discovered about me....

Much has happened in my life and I am a different person than I was when I faced this 2 years ago. Maybe not so much different as I am much more of the same. I believe more than ever that things are either of God or of Satan. I am more solidified in my faith than ever before. I believe more than ever that spiritual warfare is very real. I believe more than ever that Satan is prowling around like a lion looking for someone...anyone...to devour. I believe more than ever that Satan will use whatever and whomever he can to wreak havoc on God's people. I believe with every fiber of my being that my battle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers and principalities of this dark world. I declared war on Satan a year or so ago. Took a stand and declared that I am NOT afraid of him or his minions. I even joked that this was possibly not a good idea. I believe that Satan has me in his sights and would be lying if I denied that he has wounded me severely, but I can honestly and truthfully tell you that I still am not afraid. I am even more excited than ever to be in the battle. God is sovereign. He is in control. Looking back now, I can see that God Himself prepared me for this 2nd battle with cancer. I trust Him more than ever. I believe His ways are best especially when I really do not understand what He is doing. Again and again, He has carried me through things that I thought I would literally kill me, but in the end these things have brought me great joy because they deepened my relationship with my Savior. My heart has ached more than I thought possible, but God was there all along holding on to me. God is good and loving and always knows what I NEED. God is merciful and gracious to me. He has not left me alone. I trust Him completely and know that He will use all these things to bring Glory to Himself and can confidently tell you that I am perfectly okay.

If you ever knew me, you knew that I wanted more than anything to be used by God. That is still my greatest desire and has only been multiplied over the past 6 months. I serve God. That's what I do. Many do not understand, but I love Him and have gladly surrendered my whole life to Him. If He can use me better when I have cancer, then I am glad to have it. I am finally beginning to grasp what Paul meant when he said that everything else is rubbish compared to knowing Christ. More than ever, there is nothing I want more than to let others witness this Awesome God I serve and to see how much He loves His children. He alone is the only thing I cannot bear to lose. Jesus said that in this world there WILL be trouble, but HE is with us always. I have learned to lean heavily on this promise. Though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear NO evil. Not because I'm all brave and stuff, but because GOD's rod and HIS staff comfort me. So, I'm good. I really am. I'm sick... no denying that. I am grieving the loss of Nanny- the most amazing Christian woman I have ever known. I dread how sick the radiation will make me and I hate that my family has to go through this. But I am not struggling and I am not worried. I am really truthfully honestly okay.

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