The lies I've Told Myself

I have been amazed at the number of people who have reached out to me after my last post. I will admit that my first reaction was...well...panic. I didn't realize that so many people read my words. It was VERY tempting to delete those last two posts and hope everyone would forget about all this.

Obviously I changed my mind.

I don't want this to define me. I don't in ANY way want to glorify suicide or suicidal thoughts. However, I'm not the only person, the only Christian, or even the only Pastor's wife who has tried to commit suicide. Thankfully I'm still here. Now I'm left to work through all this and writing is the best way for me to do that. If you want to tag along, that's fine with me. I feel like this will be a long and winding road to healing. Maybe, just maybe, my journey will give hope to someone else who is fighting this battle. That's really the only good I can see coming from this terrible ordeal. Anyway...I'm still trying to understand how I came to the place where I actually believed that I should die.

For as long as I can remember, what I felt, thought, or wanted was irrelevant, so long as I said and did what I "should." I honestly cannot tell you if this is something was actually taught, or simply the way I learned to cope with difficult people and situations. Either way, when faced with...well, anything...the thought that immediately goes through my head is "you should..."

You should say...

You should be...                 

You should act...

OR "You shouldn't"...

                              

You shouldn't let that upset you.

You shouldn't be so selfish/needy/prideful/ etc.
You shouldn't feel that way.

Until recently, I thought this was how everyone's brain worked and it never dawned on me to do anything differently.  I believed that, in order to be loved, I had to please the people in my life, and I thought I could do that if I always reacted and behaved the way I "should."

 As time went on, I realized that there are people who are going to be displeased with me. That realization, coupled with the unrealistic expectations I put on myself, quickly lead to constant thoughts that sound something like this: "you are a failure, You ALWAYS let people down, you will never get it right, you are a disaster, you mess up everything" which all lead up the the most hurtful and powerful lie of all:

"Everyone would be better off without you."

That was the dominant thought in my head and feeling in my heart on July 19, 2017. "Everyone would be better off without you." Doesn't matter that it isn't true. Doesn't matter that it makes no sense. At that point in time, that was what I believed and THAT was enough to convince me to take my own life.

It's important to me to make sure that I record that this didn't happen all at once. It was the result of years and years of conditioning myself to avoid conflict at all costs. It was the result of a lifetime of desperately wanting people close to me to see value in me, to love me, and to be proud of who I am...and a life time of falling short of their expectations.

This isn't a pity party. I'm not feeling "oh poor me." What I feel is quite the opposite really. I'm realizing that trying to earn some people's favor is futile. I'm realizing that trying to earn someone's love is futile. I'm learning that there are some people who will never be proud of the woman I've become; there are people who will always choose someone else's happiness and well-being over mine; there are people who will try to manipulate me in an effort to feel powerful and "in control".

I'm in no way attempting to "blame" anyone for where I am. I'm realizing that some people consistently cause me anxiety and pain. I'm realizing that it is just as important to protect myself as it is to make others happy.

All that is so easy to say...I'm not sure what that will feel like to actually put actions to those words. This is very foreign to me. I have always thought that putting others first at all costs made me a good person. I didn't realize that this is unhealthy.

Last week I talked about how feelings are unreliable. They are fickle and can cause confusion. It is important to me that I keep track of the facts in this...So, Here's what I know to be true:

• God will walk with me through this valley, He has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Making others happy and/or to pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; by family and friends...more than I ever realized. 
• No matter how loud my feelings scream, I will not try to kill myself again.

I just realized that this whole "adjusting my attitude, likes, wants, and needs so that I please people"  and "doing whatever i have to in order to earn people's love" train of thought goes against scripture. God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. HE made me just the way HE wants me to be to accomplish what HE wants from my life. I don't have to be different than the way He created me to be in order to be "good enough"... but that is a post for another day.

Much love and big hugs!
K