Finding Balance - Using a Detailed Calendar -

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!

Perry has given me a homework assignment...to get and start using a calendar. He says this will help me find balance in my life and that finding balance will reduce stress. Reduced stress = Reduced Anxiety. Reduced anxiety is very, very good.

ANYWAY...

The whole calendar thing is totally stressing me out.
There simply are not enough hours in the day to do everything I think I should do.

I'm supposed to give the calendar lots of "power". Instead of my feelings dictating what I do or don't do, my the calendar is supposed to. That makes me nervous about putting things in it because when I start doing this, I run out of time almost every day.

I'm being selfish about keeping an 8 hour window to sleep. One thing they stressed when I was in the hospital was the importance of getting enough sleep. Not getting enough sleep makes depression worse. Goodness knows I don't need this to get any worse.

I need at least an hour in the gym, preferably every day, with about 15 minutes to and from. I work 8-5.  Drop Izzy off at school by 7:40 in order to make it to work on time. Leave the house by 7:20 to get her to school in time. Everything else is pretty flexible.

ALL THAT BEING SAID...

• Do you keep a calendar?
• How detailed is it?
• What does your calendar look like?
• What are you "selfish" about when scheduling your day? Your week? Your Month?
• What tips can you give me on going from NO calendar to a super organized and detailed calendar?

Please leave tips in the comments! 

Much love and BIG hugs-
K

Finding Balance

I'm not very good at working on the things I'm supposed to work on between counseling visits. I have good intentions. There are so many other things demanding my attention, working on whatever it is that I'm supposed to be working on between sessions gets pushed to the very back of my mind...in a dark corner...in a drawer...under a blanket.

I'm SURE it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the reality that most of the things I'm supposed to "work on" are terribly uncomfortable for me. 

I'm trying to identify which of my Managers is talking when I have thoughts or feelings that really don't make sense. 

Sometimes I can figure it out. Other times it is just to much to worry with. Honestly, MOST times, I'm just barely holding it together and trying to just get through the day (which really is a terrible feeling BTW) and I just don't have the energy to stop and analyze where my "falling to pieces" feelings are coming from. I really can't decide if all these different parts of my personality are holding my "Self" together, or ripping it apart.

I think that giving voice to whatever Manager/Exile conflict is causing my unsettled-ness will ultimately bring me peace.

I don't have enough confidence in this thought to actually put it into practice. I'm trying...sort of. It's hard. It's easier for the time being to just focus on holding it together. I don't have much energy left for anything else.

Perry determined that Striver has a LOT of power in my life.  

Striver always wants to be the best. She is "all or nothing." She tells me that if I don't do something perfectly, I've failed. 

Striver tells me "I should". 

I should be able to keep the house spotless, the laundry caught up, cook dinner every night and provide breakfast every morning. I should always look my very best, never be tired, and meet everyone's needs. I should keep everyone happy all the time while working a full time job...to which I should never be late for.

It seems that my life is a bit more chaotic than it has to be. 

Striver, Pleaser, and Peace-Maker have the strongest voices. I listen to them and therefore, have no balance in my life. I will stay up all night to catch up the laundry (because if it isn't ALL done, I've "failed"), but then won't do any laundry again for a week (because I can't get it ALL done). I may not paint for 3 months, but will then paint for 3 days straight, neglecting all other responsibilities. It's "all or nothing" with me, because that's how Striver works. Add to that Pleaser and Peace Maker...I "must" take care of everyone's needs. Well, everyone's except my own of course.

Turns out, life doesn't have to be this way.

Perry told me to get a calendar and use it. 

He told me to put EVERYTHING in it. Schedule everything from work to rest. Schedule time to write, paint, do laundry and watch TV. He told me to give the calendar a LOT of power. This will take some power from all my Managers. The Calendar will be the boss, not Striver, Controller, Peace-maker, Pleaser, Self-Critic, or Planner. Well, I guess Planner will still have a lot of voice. Striver, Peace-Maker, and Pleaser will have less voice because they will no longer be making my decisions. This is supposed to give my core "self" control and give me some balance.

Just THINKING about this makes me a bit sick.

I cannot imagine telling someone "No, I can't do what you want. I already have something on the calendar at that time." when I know that what is on the calendar is "rest" or "laundry"!!!!!! Oh goodness, that makes me want to vomit. (Yes, I know, that's Pleaser talking.)

I'm going to give this a try. We'll see how it works out. 

Much love and big big hugs!

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people is not my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to do the things enjoy.
• It will get better. 
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.
• Digging up memories is like opening Pandora's Box.
• I am not broken.
• I need balance in my life.

The Internal System

I have a new counselor. Nothing against my first one. We just didn't click.

My new counselor is Perry. It's easier to type "Perry" than "my counselor", so I'm going with that. 

Perry walked me through the same things I talked to my first  counselor about. Rather than digging up more memories, Perry helped me start to see where my childhood shaped my personality.  We revisited my earliest negative memory and identified how I felt during that moment. That's all. This helped me start to see that I am the way I am for a reason. THAT'S the reason to examine memories...the situations and circumstances that make up those memories make me...well...me.

Perry took that memory and walked me through what he later told me is called the Internal System.

My Managers

The parts of my personality that I show to the world came to "power" in the memory I shared with Perry. In their position of "power", they have served me well. They protected me when I was a little girl and have given me a sense of control as an adult. Perry identified them as "Managers."

We identified my Managers include:

• striver
• peace-maker 
• pleaser
• planner
• self-critic
• controller
• perfectionist

My Managers work to keep me in control of every situation and relationship in order to protect me from feeling hurt or rejected.

My Exiles

Perry also helped me start to understand how the different parts of my personality work together (or, in my case, against each other) . He said that the "Exiles" are painful emotions that are isolated from my conscious "Self". This is to protect my "self" from further pain. These are emotions that I believe to be "wrong" or "dangerous" or "unacceptable."  Perry said that EVERYONE has Exiles, and they are pretty much the opposite of your "managers."
Over time, these exiled emotions become increasingly extreme in an effort to be heard and cared for. 

We identified my Exiles to include:

• anger
• fear
• grief
• anything "self" motivated 
• self preservation
• self protection
• self assurance
• self confidence
• etc.

This is where is gets interesting...

My Managers work tirelessly to keep my Exiles in their place: far away from my conscious "Self". Perry said that this can work just fine until a person becomes emotionally/mentally/spiritually tired. When this happens, the Exiles start to come to the surface, causing the Managers work doubly hard to push them back down. 

My Firefighters

When the Managers can no longer hold the Exiles back, they come rushing to the surface. These painful emotions hit all at once and you react automatically to repress them. You release the "Firefighters" and their only goal is to release pressure and avoid painful feelings. 

We identified my Firefighters to include:

Binge Eating
Self Harm
Dissociation
and most recently, Suicide

This is the root thing that causes people to cut, have affairs, gamble, spend irresponsibly, and have all sorts of addictions. It's all about immediately releasing pressure and avoiding painful feelings.

This is applicable to everyone.

Your Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters may have different names, but the concept applies to everyone.

There is HOPE

When the Managers and Exiles are in balance, you can operate out of your "Self." This is the core, or the center of a person. When everything is in balance, it acts as an active, compassionate leader. Your (and my) "Self" has the following characteristics:

Calmness
Curiosity
Compassion
Confidence
Creativity
Connectedness
Courage
Clarity

Oh! Doesn't that sound WONDERFUL?!?!

Going forward, when I am "out of balance", Perry has told me to try and identify which of my Managers is in control, or which of my Managers is speaking. I'm still working on this, but it is so nice to begin to understand why I do what I do and why I feel the way I feel.

The right Counselor makes all the difference! 

If you are looking for a counselor, it's okay to be picky. You don't want someone who just agrees with you, but you DO need someone who "gets" you.

Much Love and BIG Hugs!

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.
• Digging up memories is like opening Pandora's Box.
• The human personality is more complex than I realized