The Internal System

I have a new counselor. Nothing against my first one. We just didn't click.

My new counselor is Perry. It's easier to type "Perry" than "my counselor", so I'm going with that. 

Perry walked me through the same things I talked to my first  counselor about. Rather than digging up more memories, Perry helped me start to see where my childhood shaped my personality.  We revisited my earliest negative memory and identified how I felt during that moment. That's all. This helped me start to see that I am the way I am for a reason. THAT'S the reason to examine memories...the situations and circumstances that make up those memories make me...well...me.

Perry took that memory and walked me through what he later told me is called the Internal System.

My Managers

The parts of my personality that I show to the world came to "power" in the memory I shared with Perry. In their position of "power", they have served me well. They protected me when I was a little girl and have given me a sense of control as an adult. Perry identified them as "Managers."

We identified my Managers include:

• striver
• peace-maker 
• pleaser
• planner
• self-critic
• controller
• perfectionist

My Managers work to keep me in control of every situation and relationship in order to protect me from feeling hurt or rejected.

My Exiles

Perry also helped me start to understand how the different parts of my personality work together (or, in my case, against each other) . He said that the "Exiles" are painful emotions that are isolated from my conscious "Self". This is to protect my "self" from further pain. These are emotions that I believe to be "wrong" or "dangerous" or "unacceptable."  Perry said that EVERYONE has Exiles, and they are pretty much the opposite of your "managers."
Over time, these exiled emotions become increasingly extreme in an effort to be heard and cared for. 

We identified my Exiles to include:

• anger
• fear
• grief
• anything "self" motivated 
• self preservation
• self protection
• self assurance
• self confidence
• etc.

This is where is gets interesting...

My Managers work tirelessly to keep my Exiles in their place: far away from my conscious "Self". Perry said that this can work just fine until a person becomes emotionally/mentally/spiritually tired. When this happens, the Exiles start to come to the surface, causing the Managers work doubly hard to push them back down. 

My Firefighters

When the Managers can no longer hold the Exiles back, they come rushing to the surface. These painful emotions hit all at once and you react automatically to repress them. You release the "Firefighters" and their only goal is to release pressure and avoid painful feelings. 

We identified my Firefighters to include:

Binge Eating
Self Harm
Dissociation
and most recently, Suicide

This is the root thing that causes people to cut, have affairs, gamble, spend irresponsibly, and have all sorts of addictions. It's all about immediately releasing pressure and avoiding painful feelings.

This is applicable to everyone.

Your Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters may have different names, but the concept applies to everyone.

There is HOPE

When the Managers and Exiles are in balance, you can operate out of your "Self." This is the core, or the center of a person. When everything is in balance, it acts as an active, compassionate leader. Your (and my) "Self" has the following characteristics:

Calmness
Curiosity
Compassion
Confidence
Creativity
Connectedness
Courage
Clarity

Oh! Doesn't that sound WONDERFUL?!?!

Going forward, when I am "out of balance", Perry has told me to try and identify which of my Managers is in control, or which of my Managers is speaking. I'm still working on this, but it is so nice to begin to understand why I do what I do and why I feel the way I feel.

The right Counselor makes all the difference! 

If you are looking for a counselor, it's okay to be picky. You don't want someone who just agrees with you, but you DO need someone who "gets" you.

Much Love and BIG Hugs!

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.
• Digging up memories is like opening Pandora's Box.
• The human personality is more complex than I realized