Finding Balance

I'm not very good at working on the things I'm supposed to work on between counseling visits. I have good intentions. There are so many other things demanding my attention, working on whatever it is that I'm supposed to be working on between sessions gets pushed to the very back of my mind...in a dark corner...in a drawer...under a blanket.

I'm SURE it has absolutely NOTHING to do with the reality that most of the things I'm supposed to "work on" are terribly uncomfortable for me. 

I'm trying to identify which of my Managers is talking when I have thoughts or feelings that really don't make sense. 

Sometimes I can figure it out. Other times it is just to much to worry with. Honestly, MOST times, I'm just barely holding it together and trying to just get through the day (which really is a terrible feeling BTW) and I just don't have the energy to stop and analyze where my "falling to pieces" feelings are coming from. I really can't decide if all these different parts of my personality are holding my "Self" together, or ripping it apart.

I think that giving voice to whatever Manager/Exile conflict is causing my unsettled-ness will ultimately bring me peace.

I don't have enough confidence in this thought to actually put it into practice. I'm trying...sort of. It's hard. It's easier for the time being to just focus on holding it together. I don't have much energy left for anything else.

Perry determined that Striver has a LOT of power in my life.  

Striver always wants to be the best. She is "all or nothing." She tells me that if I don't do something perfectly, I've failed. 

Striver tells me "I should". 

I should be able to keep the house spotless, the laundry caught up, cook dinner every night and provide breakfast every morning. I should always look my very best, never be tired, and meet everyone's needs. I should keep everyone happy all the time while working a full time job...to which I should never be late for.

It seems that my life is a bit more chaotic than it has to be. 

Striver, Pleaser, and Peace-Maker have the strongest voices. I listen to them and therefore, have no balance in my life. I will stay up all night to catch up the laundry (because if it isn't ALL done, I've "failed"), but then won't do any laundry again for a week (because I can't get it ALL done). I may not paint for 3 months, but will then paint for 3 days straight, neglecting all other responsibilities. It's "all or nothing" with me, because that's how Striver works. Add to that Pleaser and Peace Maker...I "must" take care of everyone's needs. Well, everyone's except my own of course.

Turns out, life doesn't have to be this way.

Perry told me to get a calendar and use it. 

He told me to put EVERYTHING in it. Schedule everything from work to rest. Schedule time to write, paint, do laundry and watch TV. He told me to give the calendar a LOT of power. This will take some power from all my Managers. The Calendar will be the boss, not Striver, Controller, Peace-maker, Pleaser, Self-Critic, or Planner. Well, I guess Planner will still have a lot of voice. Striver, Peace-Maker, and Pleaser will have less voice because they will no longer be making my decisions. This is supposed to give my core "self" control and give me some balance.

Just THINKING about this makes me a bit sick.

I cannot imagine telling someone "No, I can't do what you want. I already have something on the calendar at that time." when I know that what is on the calendar is "rest" or "laundry"!!!!!! Oh goodness, that makes me want to vomit. (Yes, I know, that's Pleaser talking.)

I'm going to give this a try. We'll see how it works out. 

Much love and big big hugs!

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people is not my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to do the things enjoy.
• It will get better. 
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
• "Functional" is not the same as "okay", but some days it's the best you can do.
• Digging up memories is like opening Pandora's Box.
• I am not broken.
• I need balance in my life.