Hunger and Thirst

FLO Bible Study was GREAT last night. We missed Christie terribly, but are so grateful that Christa jumped in and took over! One of the things that really sparked discussion was the question "What are some reasons you may hesitate to seek God's guidance?" The possible answers listed in the book were Stubbornness, Lack of Trust, Distractions, and Over Confidence in myself. It is hard sometimes to get people in a Sunday school class or Bible Study to get past the "church" answers to such questions and get down to the "real" answers. Last Night the ladies opened up and got real...and it was great!
One of the things we talked about was the simple fact that sometimes we don't wasn't to seek GOD's guidance because we REALLY don't want to hear what He has to say about what it is that we are wanting to do. I know that in my early years I definitely wanted God's promise of Salvation and was eager to attend Church on Sunday, but was not willing to allow God to guide my actions Monday - Saturday. I wanted to live my life my way and then give God some time on Sunday morning. We talked about that attitude last night and we all decided that that attitude simply does not work.
Jesus says in Mark that "Man cannot serve 2 masters. He will love one and despise the other". In that passage He is talking about loving money, but the principle is very much the same. You also cannot serve God and serve yourself. You gotta choose.
Another thing that we discussed was candidly thrown out as "We run to the phone instead of the throne". Oh! How true this is! I know that I am definitely guilty of this. I will shoot out an e-mail or (when I can talk) pick up the pone and ask my closest friends what THEY think I should do when I SHOULD be asking my CREATOR what HE would have me do!
We talked about "microwave faith". Many of us "confessed" that we are likely to first call a friend or pick up a book that someone has written about the problem we have rather than pick up the Bible and see what Scripture says. We want a quick fix, an easy answer....microwave results.
We also talked about the fact that, if we are honest, we don't always trust God. That sounds terrible, but if the shoe fits....
I came home late last night and then couldn't sleep. The things we talked about rang in my head. The main thing that haunted my thoughts was the discussion about "regurgitated" information. Information that someone else has processed and reworded and put into a book or Bible study or devotion.
This morning I realized something that made me pause. God has answered one of my prayers. (One that has nothing to do with Cancer.)
Calvin has an amazing hunger for God's Word. My sweet husband devours scripture. He reads his Bible with the same enthusiasm that I read Peretti, DeKker, Rivers, or Moore. I have, over the past year or so, asked God to give me that hunger- to place in me the desire to absorb His Word. I read my Bible and I look up scripture, but it is nothing like what I see in Calvin when he is reading his Bible. Calvin reads his Bible as though he were reading a love letter...I want that.
Today, God answered that prayer. I realized this morning that I am no longer satisfied with regurgitated Bible Study. I want more. I need more. I no longer want to know what God told someone else. I need to know what God wants to tell ME. I, for the first time in a long time, am hungry and thirsty for, not only God's presence, but His Word!
Hugs!
K

A new day

I am amazed and at the same time horrified at the number of women who feel betrayed by God. I have gotten 4 e-mails today from women telling me that they feel or have recently felt the same way I did yesterday! That is frightening!
I have learned (or remembered) that not being able to see what God is doing does not mean that HE isn’t doing anything.
I have learned (or remembered) that not understanding His purpose does not mean He does not have one.
I have learned (or remembered) that the validity of His plan is not dependant on my approval of it.
I have learned (or remembered) that God loves me and His heart aches for me and that He will hold me close to His chest so that I can listen to the gentle beating of His heart and the soothing sound of His breath until I am ready to move forward.
-that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to crawl up in His lap, lay our head on His chest and just cry.
-that sometimes we have to love God and praise Him and Trust Him, not for what He is doing or for what we believe He is GOING to do, but for what He has already done. He died for me. He forgave my sins. He adopted me as his very own daughter. That is enough. He does not owe me anything else. I don’t even deserve what He has already done.
-that when we allow Satan to turn our focus inward we are unable to bask in the warmth of our Creator’s love. This is why we feel cold, empty, and alone.
- Allowing Satan to deceive me into thinking that God has also turned a deaf ear to my brokenness is worse than what I am going through. God has not left me, but I have to turn to Him and lean on Him and just trust Him. I find peace and comfort when I just fall into the arms of my Savior and simply rest in His embrace. No conditions. No expectations. No questions. Just rest. Trust that He has done enough. Trust that He knows what is best. Trust Him simply because of WHO HE is.

Today I met with 3 of the finest young Christian women I know. I have asked, and they have agreed, to help me out. This was not easy for me to do. The Women's ministry has been my "baby" and I am extremely protective of it. But I know God sent these women into my life and I know that they are trustworthy. I have not stepped out of the ministry, just out of the spotlight. I am not leaving the Women's ministry, just assuming a different role. That's okay. The more I think about it, I realize that, along with the tinge of sadness, there is also a sense of relief. Having them with me, on the Women's Ministry Team, will allow me the freedom to dream, plan, and prayerfully seek what God wants from this ministry. This is going to be a great change.

Also, not being totally responsible for every detail of the Women's ministry will allow me to grow personally and seek new ways to share Christ with others. I am warming to that idea.

What a difference a day makes!
K

Stayed up late and got up early asking God for some help.

Several people came to mind, Mary and Martha (when their brother died....they asked Jesus why He didn't get to them sooner), the disciples in the storm (Jesus why are you sleeping?), David (too many to mention), Job (no explanation necessary), and Jesus Himself (My God, My God why have you forsaken me?).

Now I am in NO way equating myself to the great people of the Bible, but since I am no where near as close to God as they were and I have no where near the understanding of God and his ways as they did....then who am I to think that God would always keep me in the loop?

The fact remains that I know God and His character and I know He will reveal His plan to me in His time. HE lets me know what I need to know and this is just another mile of the road He has me on. Well, at least I think I still believe that this is the road He chose for me. Perhaps He is allowing Satan to have his way with me and this is something God is allowing rather than something He chose?

At any rate, I know God and His character and I know He won’t leave me. I know He has a reason for this and I know that He can use it for His glory and I know that whether or not I understand what He is doing has no bearing on the validity of what He is doing.

My FAITH is not shaken. I still believe that God has done all HE ever needed to do for me and more when Christ died on the cross for me.

I just do not understand why He has taken away my ability to serve Him. I thought that HE gifted me to teach. Now I am questioning that. I am not questioning God and my relationship to Him. I am not in danger of losing faith in God. I just don’t understand why He is doing this. I just don’t understand.

I’m really not angry anymore. The anger came and went quickly. I am very aware that God is God and I am not. I understand that His ways are not my ways and I understand that He knows things, lots of things, that I do not. I understand that He cares for me and that He is not cruel or mean. I just can’t see where this is going and I am hurting because everything I THOUGHT I was doing for Him is now in danger of being taken away from me. I thought that teaching and telling others about Christ was my offering to Him. I thought that was how God gifted me to serve Him. Now I am not so sure, but at the same time I have no idea how I could serve Him better. Which brings me back to, I just don’t understand why he is doing this. I just don’t understand what good could come from me being silent.

Although "Praise You In This Storm" (Casting Crowns) has been played into the ground, it is very much my theme song this morning. The line "And though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm" rings especially true.

I stil l don't know the answer to "why?" and I am no more enlightened than I was last night. However, my perspective has changed. I have been reminded that God is God. HE is in control. HE knows what is going on and what the outcome is going to be. He may let me in on His plan, and He may not...and that's really okay. I will love Him. I will praise Him. I will tell others about Him....and will wait on Him to reveal to me how He wants me to accomplish that.

So I guess another song lyric that rings true this morning is "Revelation" (Third Day)

My life, Has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Trying to find my way,Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time,I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

My life,Has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won't You show me where I need to go

Oh oh Let me follow Your lead,

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

lyrics from ALLYRICS.NET

Although I am not trying to find my FAITH, the rest of the lyrics mimic my constant prayer.

I don't have any answers and this whole not being able to talk thing has truly turned my life upside down.

BUT I know who is in control and I know that HIS ways are BEST, whether I understand them or not.

Have a great Day!
K

Where I am

I haven't posted in a while. Haven't had much to say, at least nothing I wanted anyone to know about. I just got around to actually posting what I wrote a few weeks ago. I didn't post it because I had to get off the computer before I could spell check. As is often the case, I got side tracked and before I knew it, it was the 12th and I could talk! Except that I couldn't talk....and I still can't talk. I try. I relax my throat, open my mouth, and nothing comes out. Over the past couple of weeks I have been getting more and more frustrated with it. Yesterday I finally worked up the courage to ask Dr S about it. He said that I will probably always have a raspy voice, but that it should be close to normal and that if, when this is all over, I am unhappy with my voice, there are things he can do to improve the quality of my voice. That should have made me feel better, but it didn't, which caught my attention. I realized that I had been pulling away from friends and family and into myself. On the heels of that revelation was a frightening one....Christie was probably on the phone with my mom...that's what good friends do when one is acting stranger than normal...they call mom and discuss it. So, what follows is the e-mail I sent to Christie (copying Mom- just in case) this morning......

Mom and I had a tough time in Jr. High. Well, I did anyway. All my friends started having “dances” for their birthday parties. Mom wouldn’t let me go. She had her reasons, and I am sure they were valid. As a parent, she knew things that I did not. As a parent, she did not have to reveal her reasoning to me…probably would not have mattered if she did. As a “tween”, all I knew was that she would not let me do what I wanted to do….and I was mad at her.

I was reminded of my Jr. High experience on the way to lunch today. See, I have been terribly angry at God for the past few weeks. At this point, I really don’t even care if you think less of me for it. I’m not proud of it, but I see no point in trying to sugar coat it and turn it into something it is not.

I didn’t REALLY realize that I was angry until yesterday. For the past two weeks I have felt myself slipping into sort of a depression. Looking back over the past couple of weeks, it is pretty obvious, but I do usually see things better in hind sight. Last week, I finally started admitting to a few people that I am “really tired of this” and that I am “frustrated” and then on Saturday I spent most of the day in the bed…asleep. I WAS tired, but not so tired that I needed to sleep all day. I just wanted to disappear. I had finally had enough and I absolutely did not want to play this game anymore. I’m tired of it. So I slept…all day.
I confessed to my Sunday School class yesterday that I am frustrated and just don’t understand WHY God is doing this. Then in “big church” I realized that not only am I confused, not only am I frustrated, not only am I tired of all this….I am mad…really mad. Totally ticked off mad….at GOD. When I realized that, yes, I was really ANGRY with God…well, that sort of freaked me out because a part of me immediately began to SCREAM “You can’t be angry with GOD! He’s, well, GOD! He will strike you dead. You had better get a grip and get happy with God again or else!” But I can’t just turn it off. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed, abandoned, alone, and confused…and like it is all God’s fault.

This is when logic tries to kick in and say “Well, you don’t have cancer do you? Quit whining. It could be soooo much worse.”

True, it could be so much worse. BUT the reality of how bad it COULD be does not change the reality of how bad it IS.

So that’s where I’ve been.

I don’t necessarily think that God is going to take my voice away forever, but I am trying to accept the fact that He could….or that the trade off for not having Cancer is not having a voice.
I don’t know what to do now. I can’t teach. I can’t talk. I can’t. I certainly can’t sing. Why would God do this? What is the point? What good is it possibly doing for me to have to be silent? I just don’t understand. That’s where I am now…I just don’t understand....which is why I thought about Jr. High….I didn’t understand then either, but somewhere deep down (WAY deep down) I knew that Mom still loved me and had a reason for not letting me go to the “dances”. I know God still loves me. I know he has a purpose in this. At least I think I know He does….maybe I just HOPE He does.
I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know who to be. If I can’t teach, what am I going to do? Even if this is “short” term (already been 6 stinkin months, remember that), what do I do until things are back to normal?
Of course, I am reminded that Paul was thrown in jail and I am sure that was not in his plan and he was certainly doing more to share the love of Christ with the people in his world than I am doing to share the love of Christ with the people in mine. Who am I to think that I can’t be side-tracked if God allowed Paul to endure all he went through?
I just wish I knew what HE has in mind. I feel so lost and so deflated. I feel useless. I feel like what I have been doing was not good enough and so He took it away. That’s probably not true, but that’s how I feel. I just hurt. I’m just sad and confused and I just don’t understand why God would take my voice. I just don’t know how I can serve him if I can’t talk.
Even worse, this is between me and God. No one can make it make sense. Like I “tell” my Sunday school class all the time….it is a heart issue. I just have to keep searching until I get an answer.

So that’s where I am
K