Monday, March 16, 2009

Where I am

I haven't posted in a while. Haven't had much to say, at least nothing I wanted anyone to know about. I just got around to actually posting what I wrote a few weeks ago. I didn't post it because I had to get off the computer before I could spell check. As is often the case, I got side tracked and before I knew it, it was the 12th and I could talk! Except that I couldn't talk....and I still can't talk. I try. I relax my throat, open my mouth, and nothing comes out. Over the past couple of weeks I have been getting more and more frustrated with it. Yesterday I finally worked up the courage to ask Dr S about it. He said that I will probably always have a raspy voice, but that it should be close to normal and that if, when this is all over, I am unhappy with my voice, there are things he can do to improve the quality of my voice. That should have made me feel better, but it didn't, which caught my attention. I realized that I had been pulling away from friends and family and into myself. On the heels of that revelation was a frightening one....Christie was probably on the phone with my mom...that's what good friends do when one is acting stranger than normal...they call mom and discuss it. So, what follows is the e-mail I sent to Christie (copying Mom- just in case) this morning......
Mom and I had a tough time in Jr. High. Well, I did anyway. All my friends started having “dances” for their birthday parties. Mom wouldn’t let me go. She had her reasons, and I am sure they were valid. As a parent, she knew things that I did not. As a parent, she did not have to reveal her reasoning to me…probably would not have mattered if she did. As a “tween”, all I knew was that she would not let me do what I wanted to do….and I was mad at her.

I was reminded of my Jr. High experience on the way to lunch today. See, I have been terribly angry at God for the past few weeks. At this point, I really don’t even care if you think less of me for it. I’m not proud of it, but I see no point in trying to sugar coat it and turn it into something it is not.

I didn’t REALLY realize that I was angry until yesterday. For the past two weeks I have felt myself slipping into sort of a depression. Looking back over the past couple of weeks, it is pretty obvious, but I do usually see things better in hind sight. Last week, I finally started admitting to a few people that I am “really tired of this” and that I am “frustrated” and then on Saturday I spent most of the day in the bed…asleep. I WAS tired, but not so tired that I needed to sleep all day. I just wanted to disappear. I had finally had enough and I absolutely did not want to play this game anymore. I’m tired of it. So I slept…all day.
I confessed to my Sunday School class yesterday that I am frustrated and just don’t understand WHY God is doing this. Then in “big church” I realized that not only am I confused, not only am I frustrated, not only am I tired of all this….I am mad…really mad. Totally ticked off mad….at GOD. When I realized that, yes, I was really ANGRY with God…well, that sort of freaked me out because a part of me immediately began to SCREAM “You can’t be angry with GOD! He’s, well, GOD! He will strike you dead. You had better get a grip and get happy with God again or else!” But I can’t just turn it off. My heart hurts. I feel betrayed, abandoned, alone, and confused…and like it is all God’s fault.

This is when logic tries to kick in and say “Well, you don’t have cancer do you? Quit whining. It could be soooo much worse.”

True, it could be so much worse. BUT the reality of how bad it COULD be does not change the reality of how bad it IS.

So that’s where I’ve been.

I don’t necessarily think that God is going to take my voice away forever, but I am trying to accept the fact that He could….or that the trade off for not having Cancer is not having a voice.
I don’t know what to do now. I can’t teach. I can’t talk. I can’t. I certainly can’t sing. Why would God do this? What is the point? What good is it possibly doing for me to have to be silent? I just don’t understand. That’s where I am now…I just don’t understand....which is why I thought about Jr. High….I didn’t understand then either, but somewhere deep down (WAY deep down) I knew that Mom still loved me and had a reason for not letting me go to the “dances”. I know God still loves me. I know he has a purpose in this. At least I think I know He does….maybe I just HOPE He does.
I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know who to be. If I can’t teach, what am I going to do? Even if this is “short” term (already been 6 stinkin months, remember that), what do I do until things are back to normal?
Of course, I am reminded that Paul was thrown in jail and I am sure that was not in his plan and he was certainly doing more to share the love of Christ with the people in his world than I am doing to share the love of Christ with the people in mine. Who am I to think that I can’t be side-tracked if God allowed Paul to endure all he went through?
I just wish I knew what HE has in mind. I feel so lost and so deflated. I feel useless. I feel like what I have been doing was not good enough and so He took it away. That’s probably not true, but that’s how I feel. I just hurt. I’m just sad and confused and I just don’t understand why God would take my voice. I just don’t know how I can serve him if I can’t talk.
Even worse, this is between me and God. No one can make it make sense. Like I “tell” my Sunday school class all the time….it is a heart issue. I just have to keep searching until I get an answer.

So that’s where I am
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