Stayed up late and got up early asking God for some help.

Several people came to mind, Mary and Martha (when their brother died....they asked Jesus why He didn't get to them sooner), the disciples in the storm (Jesus why are you sleeping?), David (too many to mention), Job (no explanation necessary), and Jesus Himself (My God, My God why have you forsaken me?).

Now I am in NO way equating myself to the great people of the Bible, but since I am no where near as close to God as they were and I have no where near the understanding of God and his ways as they did....then who am I to think that God would always keep me in the loop?

The fact remains that I know God and His character and I know He will reveal His plan to me in His time. HE lets me know what I need to know and this is just another mile of the road He has me on. Well, at least I think I still believe that this is the road He chose for me. Perhaps He is allowing Satan to have his way with me and this is something God is allowing rather than something He chose?

At any rate, I know God and His character and I know He won’t leave me. I know He has a reason for this and I know that He can use it for His glory and I know that whether or not I understand what He is doing has no bearing on the validity of what He is doing.

My FAITH is not shaken. I still believe that God has done all HE ever needed to do for me and more when Christ died on the cross for me.

I just do not understand why He has taken away my ability to serve Him. I thought that HE gifted me to teach. Now I am questioning that. I am not questioning God and my relationship to Him. I am not in danger of losing faith in God. I just don’t understand why He is doing this. I just don’t understand.

I’m really not angry anymore. The anger came and went quickly. I am very aware that God is God and I am not. I understand that His ways are not my ways and I understand that He knows things, lots of things, that I do not. I understand that He cares for me and that He is not cruel or mean. I just can’t see where this is going and I am hurting because everything I THOUGHT I was doing for Him is now in danger of being taken away from me. I thought that teaching and telling others about Christ was my offering to Him. I thought that was how God gifted me to serve Him. Now I am not so sure, but at the same time I have no idea how I could serve Him better. Which brings me back to, I just don’t understand why he is doing this. I just don’t understand what good could come from me being silent.

Although "Praise You In This Storm" (Casting Crowns) has been played into the ground, it is very much my theme song this morning. The line "And though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm" rings especially true.

I stil l don't know the answer to "why?" and I am no more enlightened than I was last night. However, my perspective has changed. I have been reminded that God is God. HE is in control. HE knows what is going on and what the outcome is going to be. He may let me in on His plan, and He may not...and that's really okay. I will love Him. I will praise Him. I will tell others about Him....and will wait on Him to reveal to me how He wants me to accomplish that.

So I guess another song lyric that rings true this morning is "Revelation" (Third Day)

My life, Has led me down the road that's so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Trying to find my way,Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time,I know that you are holding all the answers

I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

My life,Has led me down this path that's ever winding

Through every twist and turn I'm always finding,

That I am lost again

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without...

I don't know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won't You show me where I need to go

Oh oh Let me follow Your lead,

I know that it's the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I've been trying to find my way,

I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation...

I've got nothing without You

I've got nothing without You

lyrics from ALLYRICS.NET

Although I am not trying to find my FAITH, the rest of the lyrics mimic my constant prayer.

I don't have any answers and this whole not being able to talk thing has truly turned my life upside down.

BUT I know who is in control and I know that HIS ways are BEST, whether I understand them or not.

Have a great Day!
K