Joiner's theory of Suicide (and my personal ramblings)

I found this article on Suicide from 2013. It is quite interesting and thought provoking, albeit long. As this article makes painfully clear, "suicide is not easy, painless, cowardly, selfish, vengeful, self-masterful, or rash." The author goes on to say, 

"Suicide is the rare killer that fails to inspire celebrity PSAs, 5K fun runs, and shiny new university centers for study and treatment."  

Thomas Joiner was studying clinical psychology when his father committed suicide. HE struggled with the "Why?" even more than many families would because he knew that his father did not show the "warning signs" that were discussed in his classes. This drove him to focus his studies on suicide, and he has talked with hundreds of suicide survivors and suicidal people over the past 20 years. He believes that the understanding we have of what leads a person to suicide is incomplete. He does not believe that the person who is a danger to themselves is always the person who is looking for an "easy way out." Joiner goes so far as to offer the idea that suicide is often a misguided act of heroism, born from the idea that "The world would be better off without me". (I'll let you read the article, found HERE to work that out for yourself.)

Joiner presents his theory as to why self harm is now the leading cause of death for people 15-49, surpassing all cancers and heart disease. 

He proposes that the risk of suicide lies in the overlap of three beliefs: 

• I am alone, 
• I am a burden, and 
• I am not afraid to die. 

I can relate to this. Perhaps you can as well. Actually, I hope you cant. It's a terrible place to be.  I hope that there will be a day when Suicide is better understood, that something more than meds, blame casting, and  finger pointing can be offered to those who survive, and that suicide and mental illness can be freely discussed without shame or stigma. I hope that there will come a time when suicide survivors are not put with recovering drug and alcohol addicts when they are "committed" and that treatment will be focused on overcoming the desire to die rather than simply removing all opportunity for self harm for a given number of days. Until then, those of us who survive suicide look for answers and hope where ever we can. So far I have been unable to find the answers to my most pressing questions, which sound something like: 

• How do I stop the constant ache in my soul that brought me to this place to begin with? 
  
  
• What do I do with all this pain now that I have taken the suicide option off the table?
  
  
• How do I guarantee that I won't find myself in that darkest place again?

Months of counseling and 2 hospital stays have given me no real answers. I am still just trying to make it thru each day without falling apart...but I AM making it thru each day. I guess that's something.

I do know this: If you are considering suicide, get help.

call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Please join me today and the Internet Cafe

Please join me today at Internet Cafe Devotions.

It stands to reason that I would celebrate Psalm 139. The same God that created all these wonderfully beautiful things that bring me such joy also created me…my inmost being…knit me together… actually took time and created… me. I believe that God created me exactly the way He wants me to be. It just doesn’t FEEL that way. I don’t feel fearfully and wonderfully made. I feel flawed and broken and torn apart. I feel  inadequate, failing, feeble, weak, and incompetent.

I feel…damaged.

Continue reading here

Much Love and Big Hugs!

K

Enmeshment and Self-Differientation

I'm writing this on October 21 and things are good...really good.

I'm not over- the- top hyper or in any way "manic" but I am really, really good.

My visit with Perry went well this week. (I am seeing him once a week now.) We talked about my fears of rejection and abandonment...and criticism. All of my Managers/Protectors serve me in that they help me avoid these things specifically. To me, the worst thing that could happen would be for someone to think poorly of me, be disappointed in me, to reject me, leave me, or criticize me.

We talked about the possibility of me taking advantage of an opportunity to NOT do/act/say/behave based solely on what will make someone else pleased with me.

The very next day, an opportunity presented itself for me to try this out. A situation arose at work in which I received some passive/aggressive push back after making a request.  In this situation, I restated my request and followed it with "Let me know when this is taken care of" so that I could complete my task. I did not apologize or minimize my position, but rather stated my request with the understanding that it would be granted. I'm sure this doesn't seem like a big deal. Trust me, it is for me.

I'm realizing more and more that most every decision I make is based solely on how what I do will affect someone else. My choices are not based on what is good for me or what I need, but rather what will please others involved. I make most choices based on whether or not the outcome will make someone angry or displeased with me. I'm realizing that the people whose reactions I am so concerned about don't put anywhere near the thought into my actions that I do. 

I know these are little things.

Baby steps, folks...Baby Steps.

I realized something else this week. I realized that my identity is not tied to anyone else... not really. No one's opinion of me actually has an effect on who I am. Again, this is a foreign concept to me.  In studying all this, I've learned a new term... "Enmeshment" ... and "enmeshment" isn't a good thing, but it describes most of my relationships.

Another new-to-me term is "Self Differentiation."  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. 

Other things that I've been presented with are equally...strange....to me.

For example, the emotional paradigm I adopted growing up are the "givens" by which I see the world. (This is true for everyone, though your "givens" may be different.) The emotional paradigm I grew up with is not necessarily the paradigm that will serve me as adult. It is difficult to find a new paradigm, but it is necessary in becoming "Self Differentiated."

One other thing...it is not my responsibility to make anyone happy. Being upset it their choice. Being angry is their choice.  I abandon myself when I sacrifice myself in order to make someone else happy. Perry has challenged me to risk rejection and criticism. He says that being true to myself, protecting myself, and caring for myself will bring peace to me and balance to my relationships.  (I'm not fully on board with this yet)

I'll leave you with my favorite thing from all I've read and listened to this week...

"When someone asks you to do something out of their anxiety (remember- it is THEIR anxiety), and gets angry if you don't do what they ask (remember - it is THEIR choice to get angry), and uses getting angry to get what they want because it works with you, give yourself the freedom to not comply and give them the freedom to feel their anxiety and their anger if they wish, knowing you are NOT the cause nor to blame for them getting angry." Jerry Wise