Enmeshment and Self-Differientation

I'm writing this on October 21 and things are good...really good.

I'm not over- the- top hyper or in any way "manic" but I am really, really good.

My visit with Perry went well this week. (I am seeing him once a week now.) We talked about my fears of rejection and abandonment...and criticism. All of my Managers/Protectors serve me in that they help me avoid these things specifically. To me, the worst thing that could happen would be for someone to think poorly of me, be disappointed in me, to reject me, leave me, or criticize me.

We talked about the possibility of me taking advantage of an opportunity to NOT do/act/say/behave based solely on what will make someone else pleased with me.

The very next day, an opportunity presented itself for me to try this out. A situation arose at work in which I received some passive/aggressive push back after making a request.  In this situation, I restated my request and followed it with "Let me know when this is taken care of" so that I could complete my task. I did not apologize or minimize my position, but rather stated my request with the understanding that it would be granted. I'm sure this doesn't seem like a big deal. Trust me, it is for me.

I'm realizing more and more that most every decision I make is based solely on how what I do will affect someone else. My choices are not based on what is good for me or what I need, but rather what will please others involved. I make most choices based on whether or not the outcome will make someone angry or displeased with me. I'm realizing that the people whose reactions I am so concerned about don't put anywhere near the thought into my actions that I do. 

I know these are little things.

Baby steps, folks...Baby Steps.

I realized something else this week. I realized that my identity is not tied to anyone else... not really. No one's opinion of me actually has an effect on who I am. Again, this is a foreign concept to me.  In studying all this, I've learned a new term... "Enmeshment" ... and "enmeshment" isn't a good thing, but it describes most of my relationships.

Another new-to-me term is "Self Differentiation."  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. 

Other things that I've been presented with are equally...strange....to me.

For example, the emotional paradigm I adopted growing up are the "givens" by which I see the world. (This is true for everyone, though your "givens" may be different.) The emotional paradigm I grew up with is not necessarily the paradigm that will serve me as adult. It is difficult to find a new paradigm, but it is necessary in becoming "Self Differentiated."

One other thing...it is not my responsibility to make anyone happy. Being upset it their choice. Being angry is their choice.  I abandon myself when I sacrifice myself in order to make someone else happy. Perry has challenged me to risk rejection and criticism. He says that being true to myself, protecting myself, and caring for myself will bring peace to me and balance to my relationships.  (I'm not fully on board with this yet)

I'll leave you with my favorite thing from all I've read and listened to this week...

"When someone asks you to do something out of their anxiety (remember- it is THEIR anxiety), and gets angry if you don't do what they ask (remember - it is THEIR choice to get angry), and uses getting angry to get what they want because it works with you, give yourself the freedom to not comply and give them the freedom to feel their anxiety and their anger if they wish, knowing you are NOT the cause nor to blame for them getting angry." Jerry Wise