It is said that pain is the birthplace of growth.
Perhaps it is easiest to see pain as a precurser to physical growth. The human body seems to always protest before succumbing to growth. Being pregnant causes all sorts of aches and pains. I vividly remember morning sickness, as well as the aches in my belly and hips as my body grew to accomidate a growing baby... even though my youngest child will be 20 this year. Childbirth certainly causes the greatest pain most women will ever experience, yet that incredible pain is eclipsed by the new life it heralds into the world. Children have physical growing pains. Athletes know that they must "push through the pain" to achieve the growth they dream about. It seems that, from the begining to the end of our lives, physical growth is born of pain.
It is easy for me to understand and accept this concept of growth through pain when considering my physical body. Why then do I seem to instinctively deny that emotional and spiritual growth arise the same way? What's true for the body is also true for the mind/heart/spirit. Growth is a painful process. It hurts.
My life bears testimony to this. Every season of emotional and spiritual growth has been born out of a season of intense pain, all-consuming grief, unbearable heartbreak, and/or crippling failure and self-doubt. My life proves that growth is painful. I suspect your's does as well.
Scripture, Christian books and Christian music are rich with stories of men and women from all ages and walks of life who have called out to God from places of grief, loss, failure, regret, shame, brokeness, and doubt. Much of my own writing has been from a place of waiting for God to move.
Why then, knowing all of this, do I find myself grieving as though I have never seen God do what I thought was impossible? Why does loss overwhelm me as though I have not personally experienced God removing something "good" so that He can replace it with what's "best"? Why am I willingly drowning in brokeness, doubt, fear, hopelessness, regret, and grief when I have felt God touch and heal my heart so many times? Because I'm human. Because I'm broken. Because, even thought I met Jeasus half a lifetime ago, I am still desperatley in need of a Savior.
I often think, "I can do it myself." I think I can take care of myself and that Jesus should spend His time taking care of someone who "needs" Him. That's Pride speaking, by the way. Only PRIDE would say "I don't need Jesus." Pride sneaks in and gradually takes up residence. When pride gets settled in and takes over, I find myself hurtning, and no matter what I do to try make things right, I just make things worse. THANKFULLY, I have known Jesus intimately and it doesn't take very long for me to realize that it is JESUS that I am longing for.
So today, I looked up from my mess and asked Jesus, the lover of my soul, the one who knows me best, the Creator of all creation and the Creator of my heart, to save me. Perhaps the most consistent, wonderful and amazing thing about Jesus is that, in all His loving kindness, grace, and mercy, He met me right where I was. He came to my rescue, just as He ALWAYS comes to my rescue. He reminded me of the many times He has done the impossible in my life. He reminded me of all the times he has stood by me, fought for me, given me courage and shown me truth.
Today, Jesus met me in the middle of my mess and also reminded me that growth is always born out of pain. I started this deaft feeling lots of hurt, mostly broken and rather hopeless. Thanks for walking through all those feelings with me. It's really no surprise that my seeking brought me back to Christ. It's no surprise that Christ was waiting patiently at the end of this.
I fell in love with Jesus half a lifetime ago and He has not changed.
He saved me then and He is still saving me.
(Now, I'm totally okay with being done with the painful part so that I can enjoy the growth part!)
Big Hugs~
K
