Friday, March 23, 2018
Warning...this post will likely wander down many paths before I get my thoughts in order.
Yes, I know this is supposed to be an update on my journey to "healthy and fit" but, well, I've not done a very good job of that. I don't have much to say about it either.
I try to keep my posts within the "suggested guidelines" that the blog gurus say work best. I count words, check for run-on sentences, and try not to be to casual in my wording. Honestly, I want to just spew words on a page. I don't want to worry about what people might want to read. I dont want to think about how someone might interpret what I have written. I just want to get my thoughts out of my head and into print. I want to vomit words all over the page and just leave them there. I want to be bare and raw and honest. I don't know what that looks like yet, but I do think that this is one of the (many) things that is leaving me more stressed than satisfied.
All that being said...
There are some basic undeniable facts about my weight loss / getting fit journey...
1. I have yet to lose any weight.
2. I take complete and full responsibility for this.
3. I realized today that my physical body is actually an accurate reflection of my life right now.
4. This makes me want to cry. (no, it absolutely does not make me want to go to the gym....sorry)
So... what's working....
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Everything is just a mess. I hope I'm not the only one who finds herself here. Actually, I guess I hope I am the only one. I don't want anyone else to feel like this. I feel weighted down, like I'm trapped in a spider's web or something equally entangling and sticky...or that I'm navigating an unfamiliar patch of unusually dense forest enveloped in a heavy fog. I feel crushed and poured out. My chest is in chains, stealing my ability to breathe. I feel paralyzed. I feel like the days and weeks just slip by without notice. I get up, go to work, go home, go to sleep, repeat. I mean, I KNOW that's not exactly true. It's just how I feel...
Thing is, I've lived like this for so long, it feels absolutely normal. Every now and again I am reminded that it is not. I want something different. Again, I'm not sure what that looks like.
What's NOT working....
Focusing on reader engagement is not working.
Beating myself up and telling myself to "Suck it up and get it together" is not working.
Hoping that "one day" things will be better is not working.
Wishing that I was different is not working.
Picking myself apart is not working.
Pretending that it's "not that bad" isnt working either.
I guess everything is changing... Including the focus of "Get Fit Friday". Truth is, my body is not the only part of me that needs to get in shape. My body is just a reflection of what's going on inside me. For the next week, I am going to really try to just live. Live in the moment. Enjoy where I am. Make the most of each day...
Maybe that's a good enough start.