I made a promise to myself to go to the gym every day next week.
Don't get all excited. I'm not doing 2 hour workouts. I promised myself to focus on 2 things: strength training and abs. My core is SO weak and I really do think this is part of the reason my body is so oddly shaped. So I am doing the ab circuit at the gym and the 30 minute whole body workout (also at the gym).
Spending about an hour in there isn't so bad. I'm going to keep this going for a month and see how things look/feel then.
I've also dedicated the week to IF. No calories after 6 pm. 16 hour fast, followed by an 8 hour eating window. The best thing about this is that it (in theory) will retrain my body clock. I am in the HABIT of snacking all into the evening and even late at night. My hope is that this eating pattern will break that habit. Going to bed on a "mostly" empty stomach also helps me sleep and reduces my acid re-flux.
I just read a book about Bulimia and Binge Eating. It's written by a girl who overcame it. Very interesting. It's called Brain over Binge and is written by Kathryn Hanson.
I have intentionally not weighed. I am having another procedure on my throat the 18th of June and they will weigh me then. I am doing my best to focus on how I feel and not on the scale.
Honestly this whole soul searching, trying to find myself, is all very...tiring.
Even though it IS tedious and rather tiring, I must say that I DO feel more emotionally connected, mentally and emotionally stable, and all together...better. I've become much more objective about my "feelings" and "moods." Being in a less than exuberant mood no longer alarms me and I don't feel the need to over analyze my mood all day every day.
I am ready to move on to something new, but must say that this process has been really good for me. It's been good to evaluate myself independent of the opinions others have about me. I've already written the remaining "Thursday Thoughts" posts answering questions that challenge what I really believe. i'm still going to post them. I may need to look back on them one day. I've really dug into what I believe about God and my relationship with Him.
I've come away with an enormous appreciation of Grace. Everything has lead back to Grace. I have embraced the Grace Christ has provided for me in areas I held myself accountable for until now. This has allowed me to extend grace to others who held me in bondage until now. It's also allowed me to show myself some grace. I've learned to give myself a break.
There is great freedom through Grace.
Ironically, I am not more tempted to take advantage of the Grace of Christ by continuing in sin. I have not been tempted to embrace "cheap grace." Quite the opposite, my desire to live for Christ is greater than before... but it is love-driven, not works-driven. I feel like a well cared for and deeply loved daughter rather than a person trying to be good enough to deserve to be loved.
It is my most earnest prayer that you will experience the same.