I just want to make Peace with all the Pieces

I'm struggling. It FEELS like there is a VERY fine line between digging up memories so that I can make peace with my past and move forward, and finding someone to blame for where I am. At this point I am not sure if this is something that I "must" do. I mean, is this whole digging up memories thing something that I "must" do in order to be emotionally healthy? I'm really not cool with it. Like, not at all.

I am very well aware that things happened in my life that were....difficult. 

My life has not been perfect. Has yours? My guess is no. Life just isn’t perfect. If it was, what want would we have for heaven? (That’s a post for another day.)

Did my parents do things that cause me pain? 

Of course they did. Are there things that I wish they'd done differently? Of course there are. But you know what? They're just people. I'm not sure it's fair (or beneficial) to blame  anyone for where I am now. (Especially since I am absolutely praying that my children will show me some grace when they judge my parenting skills.) I FEEL like the whole "digging up memories" thing is not much more than looking for someone to blame for this special brand of crazy I've ended up with. I'm not okay with that. That doesn't feel "right" to me.

My parents (and yours) have their own closet load of crap dumped on them by THEIR parents, who had a closet load of their own compliments of theirs.

Add a lifetime of choices (some good, some terrible, and everything in between), and my parents are just trying to get through life the best they can...just like I am. They have their own special brand of crazy that they have to manage every day... just like I do.

Kids don't come with a booklet of fail-safe instructions. 

I firmly believe that my parents did the best they could with what they had to work with. My bet is that yours did too. Perfect? Not by a long shot. Good grief! I'm certainly no where close to being a perfect parent myself! How can I blame my parents for being less than perfect in parenting me?

I know that there are people out there who suffered extreme abuse and I am in NO WAY saying that's okay. 

No one should EVER abuse a child, be it physically, mentally, sexually, or emotionally. That's never okay and should never be tolerated. Abuse leaves scars that never go away....but they can fade in time, with lots of help, with lots of effort and patience...and lots (and lots) of counseling. Please understand, I am NOT making light of abuse. Not at all. Goodness knows that's several months' worth of posts all on its own!

(deep breath)

Okay, I'm just thinking through this...

I know that everyone in my life has shaped me in one way or another (both for better and for worse), but seriously, I've caused myself significant amounts of grief on a daily basis. I'm just not sure that assigning blame to someone else for where I am now is going to help...it's not going to change anything. Assigning blame to someone is not going to undo the past. 

(sigh)

I just want to make peace with all the broken pieces that make me…me.

Maybe digging up old memories is the way to do that. Maybe not. I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?

  

Much love and big hugs,

K