Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

 I've been thinking a lot about the promise in Psalm 139. Specifically, verses 13 and 14:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,  I know that full well.

God's ability to create infinitely beautiful and amazing things overwhelms me. I am astounded, amazed, mesmerized, in awe of, and left breathless by the majesty of the world and all that is in it that God has created. I see and appreciate the perfection and the beauty of God's handiwork all around me.

The intricate details on the wings of butterflies and flower petals amaze me. The sensation of warm sunshine on my skin in spring and cool breeze on my face in the fall remind me of the gentleness of my Creator. When that same sunshine gives us our brutally hot Mississippi summers and that same breeze grows to hurricane force winds, I am reminded of God's power. The ocean, the night sky, and mountains remind me that I am infinitely small... and I am amazed that the Creator of all these amazing things would take time to know me.

Waterfalls mesmerize me. They are my favorite things in nature. I could sit at the base of a waterfall and listen to the crashing water, the birds, and all the other sounds of nature for hours. I love the smell of damp earth and decaying leaves. I love the way the sunlight dances through the dense foliage. I love the way rock feels beneath my skin. I soak in the peacefulness and appreciate my own insignificance compared to the majesty of these beautifully destructive forces of nature.

So then, it stands to reason that I would celebrate Psalm 139. The same God that created all these wonderfully beautiful things that bring me such joy also created me...my inmost being...knit me together... actually took time and created... me. I believe that God created me exactly the way He wants me to be to accomplish what He wants to accomplish through me. It just doesn't FEEL that way. I don't feel fearfully and wonderfully made. I feel flawed and broken and torn apart. I feel  inadequate, failing, feeble, weak, and incompetent.

I feel...damaged.

I know that this is a result of sin. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Satan loves to remind me of what a wretched sinful beast I am. He points out my fears and failures. He reminds me that others excel in areas in which I struggle. He tells me all day every day that I am damaged, weak, flawed, broken, tarnished, and completely unusable by God.

Truth is, I AM broken...but I'm not as broken as I was.

I have failed at more things than I can count, but I've learned from those failures and none of them have defeated me permanently. God can and does use me in spite of my failures, flaws, setbacks, and downfalls. (even though Satan would love for me to believe otherwise)

I know that the One who knit me together originally can put me back together even now.

I want to love the woman God created when He created me. I want to embrace and cultivate the ways that God has gifted me instead of comparing my weaknesses to other women's strengths. I don't want to be prideful...that's not it at all. I simply want to love who God made me to be. I want to embrace and celebrate the unique way God put me together and use the gifts God has given me instead of feeling inferior because my gifts are different than someone else's. I want to enjoy my quirks. I want to appreciate my unique way of looking at the world around me. I want to be thankful that I feel things deeply, to embrace the passion I have for...well... everything, and enjoy the impulsive and obsessive parts of my personality instead of always fighting against these things.


I want to be okay with "me"...whatever that means.

I feel like I should celebrate and embrace myself just as I would any of the things in nature that amaze me. I feel like I should be as thankful for the way God made me as I am anything else He created. I feel like I should be as amazed by "me" (minus the sin and effects of sin of course) as I am  anything else God has created.

I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot... but I'm closer than I was yesterday, and I plan to be a bit closer tomorrow. 

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• Satan Distracts and Deceives
• I am loved more than I ever realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
•  It will get better. It always does.
• Suicide is not the answer.
• God’s not finished with me yet.
• I am fearfully and wonderfully made.