Warning Signs - Losing interest in the things you normally enjoy

There are several things about me that make me...me. These are things that I "just do." 

I love to write.
I've kept a journal since I was a teenager. Once I became a Christian, my journal evolved into my conversations with God, rather than just what went on during the day.  I love looking back through my journals and seeing how God has answered prayers and how my faith has grown over time.  

I love to read my Bible.
I am not one to read thru in a year. I obsess over things. (another thing about me) I might spend a week on a few verses. I like digging in and doing everything I can to UNDERSTAND what I'm reading. I enjoy my Bible. It is a treasure to me.

I love to teach. 
That's part of why I love digging into God's Word. I WANT to be able to teach a passage and be able to answer questions, apply it to life, and relate it to the people I am speaking to.  I LOVE to help others see God's workings in their life. I love to help others see their NEED for Jesus and for more and more of Jesus.

I love to paint.

I love the process of watching a picture in my mind come to fruition on canvas. I love the forgiving nature of paint. If I don't like the way something looks, I can just keep painting until I am pleased with it . If I can't get pleased with a piece, I can paint over the entire thing and just start over.

I love to crochet.
My precious friend Mrs. P. patiently worked with me off and on for the better part of 9 YEARS before I figured out how to crochet. Now I love it. 

I love to read. I don't just read books, I climb into them and live there.  They are an escape for me. I learned long ago that a good book allows me to shut out the world and live someone else's life for a short time.

These are things that sort of define me...not all of me...but some of me. 

When I packed for my stay in the hospital after my suicide attempt, I could not find my Bible. I packed my journal and one of our "extra" Bibles along with other things.

In the hospital, I started reading the Bible I'd brought and started writing in my journal in an effort to start sorting through "everything." When I opened the journal, I saw my last journal entry was in March. MARCH!! It was July!!! I journal every day...and I had not written in my journal for FOUR months. I realized that I had not painted, written in my journal, crocheted, read any books OR read my Bible in MONTHS.

I've seen the commercials about depression. They mention "losing interest in things you used to enjoy" as a sign of depression. I still did not recognize that this was something I should be aware of. It did not alarm me or alert me to a "problem" when I stopped doing the things I normally love to do. I suppose that this happened over the course of several months and that is why I didn't notice. 

I certainly pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.  I use this as one of the ways to determine "how I'm doing."

There are some other little things that played a part in getting me to the place where I wanted to end my life, things that I pay closer attention to now, but this is enough for today. I'll pick back up with these "little things" next time.

Big Hugs and Much Love,

K

Here's what I know to be true:

• God has not left me, nor has He turned His back on me. 
• Pleasing people should not be my ultimate goal in life. 
• I am loved; more than I realized. 
• Feelings are not Facts
• I need to pay attention to my desire (or lack of desire) to do the things I normally enjoy.
• It will get better. It always does.