Wednesday, April 8, 2009

4th surgery - day 2

Ahhhhh! Peace and quiet. Calvin is at work, Brian is at school, Izzy and mom in law are at Mom in law's house, Hershey and Snicker are sleeping in the kennel. No one is asking me questions. It is quiet and I can relax. There is just something "wrong" about not talking when folks are talking to you. Mama always said it's rude to not speak when spoken to. I'm not sure if that is what stresses me out or not, but I am definitely much more relaxed now that I am alone.
I am still amazed at how "normal" I feel after this surgery. I don't think I was "under" for even an hour and I am sure that helps.
So, now we are just waiting to see what the pathology says. I e-mailed Dr S and asked if he'd call me when he gets the results. I think I forgot to ask him yesterday. I can't imagine him NOT calling me though.
It sure would be nice to get the all clear this time. It sure would be nice to know that this is over. Still any regression will be cause for celebration. Regression would be a diagnosis of any level of Dysplasia. I think that, from where we started, moderate Dysplasia will be a great report.
It's still hard to believe that I can feel totally fine and not be fine at all. Before cancer, I could use my body as a good indication of whether or not something was wrong. Now, it is not my body that tells me whether or not I am okay, it is the pathology report. Everything rides on the pathology report.
While I am cautiously optimistic that this report will be a good one, I am also aware that it might not be. It is hard to accept that cancer just kind of does what it wants. While we are doing all the right things to combat my cancer, it has not yet given any indication that we are beating it. We did get ahead of it in the fact that it had not moved into the lymph nodes before we took them out. Other than that, I still have no idea what it is going to do next. That's frustrating to me.
So, the best news we could get from pathology is, of course "all clear".
Good news would be that the cancer has "regressed" to some level of Dysplasia.
Okay news would be that it is still CIS and is still only on the right cord.
Bad news would be that it has again progressed to Invasive Carcinoma or that there is now cancer somewhere else, in the tissue above the cords or on the left cord. I don't know what the tumor board would recommend if it progresses again.
No matter what it is, all we can do right now is wait. While I am waiting, I am totally basking in the wonderfullness of the blessing of a perfect recovery from surgery. I feel great and am so very thankful for that!
If we get a good pathology report, I plan to go on back to work on Monday. If we do not get a good report and I need to get more tests run, i will wait until all those are done before I go back. That will give me time to adjust to whatever the news is. No matter how "okay" I am with all of this...and I really am okay, sometimes my emotions betray me. No matter what happens, my faith isn't shaken, I am still totally trusting that God's got this and that I don't have to worry. I still believe that my only duty is to keep walking this road and keep giving Him glory at every turn. BUT, if the pathology report is bad, it takes a little while for my emotions to get back in line with my faith.
BUT until I get the report, i am going to enjoy a few days off of work!

thanks again to everyone for your prayers and well-wishes!