yes, this is another post on Psalm 139...

I'm still stuck on Psalm 139. 

I'm trying to make sense of where I am, where I've been...trying to figure out what to do to stop the ache in my soul. now 3 months past my attempt to end my life, I'm trying to figure out WHO I am, where my worth is found, what about me is valuable, and what purpose I have for being here. 

I keep asking myself "Who did God create you to be?" It is terribly difficult to dig beneath the surface where I am bombarded with the thoughts that have haunted me for years: 

• You are a failure
• You never get anything right
• You just aren't good enough
•  I don't love you
• You aren't what I want/need
• You have no purpose
• You are worthless
• You are a disappointment
• Why can't you just get your act together
• Why do you always have to be so "much"

(sigh)

This morning I am trying to silence those thoughts. I'm trying. The only way I know to silence them is with God's Word. Scripture is Truth. It does not change with emotion or circumstance. It just "is."

I am listening to Kevin Kern on Pandora and reading Psalm 139...trying to remember who I was before I started changing everything about me in an effort to be who I thought I "should" be. 

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

ALL the days ordained for me were written in Your book before ONE of them came to be. 

• the days I failed
• the days I sinned
• the days I cried
• the days I was mean
• the days I was hurt
• the days I fell

...the day I tried to kill myself?

If all the days were written, then all the days were written. Nothing is a surprise to God. 

So then, all the days that led up to the day I tried to die were also no surprise to God. Please understand, I am not saying that I believe he CAUSED any of my pain or that He tempted me to sin. I AM saying that I absolutely believe that God is ALL KNOWING and that he KNEW what I was going to do before I chose to do it. 

My thoughts are racing faster than my fingers can type.

If I believe that God knows all my days before I was even born (and I DO believe this), then God knew what I would need before I needed it. 

God knew...and He allowed all sorts of different things to make me who I am today. 

Maybe I don't need to figure out who I was BEFORE I changed. 

Maybe I need to figure out who I am BECAUSE I changed. 

Maybe God didn't stop "Knitting me together" once I was born. MAYBE He has been knitting me together all this time. 

Another verse comes to mind...Romans 8:28

For we know that with God all things work together for the good of those who Love Him, who are called according to His purpose. 

Maybe I am not as broken as I feel. Maybe all these things that I feel are flaws are really the things that God is using to work together for Good. 

Maybe I am who I'm supposed to be.

Could it be that I am exactly who God has created me to be in order to accomplish what He wants to accomplish through me... and Satan is the one telling me that I am broken and flawed? Could the voice that is constantly telling me who I "should be" be the voice of the enemy of my soul? 

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10)...

Oh wow...

Going to have to process this...

Much love and big hugs...

K