More thoughts on Psalm 139:13-14

I've shared my thoughts on Psalm 139, specifically verses 13 and 14 a few times over the past months. I shared that I am not sure how to sort thru all the many masks I have put on in (often failed) attempts to become someone that the people in my life value. For as long as I can remember, I have (often unconsciously)  modified my behavior, likes, dislikes, etc. based on what I believe someone I love wants/needs me to be...so, I guess I wear lots of masks.

As I've said before, I can't get Psalm 139 out of my mind. Through all my musings on my failed suicide attempt and the aftermath of trying to die, I haven't said much about where God fits into all this. I know, and hope I mentioned somewhere along the way, that at the time I tried to take my life, I was very far from God. Several seemingly insignificant things slowly pulled me away from Him and the Savior I love dearly until the truths I base my life on were very very far away. I know that my suicide attempt was not of God. I have no doubt that Satan's minions waited for the perfect opportunity to take me out and I believe that, had the Holy Spirit not interfered, they would have succeeded. As I have said many times, my suicide attempt was not a cry for help or attention. I truly wanted to die. Nothing else.

All that being said, I have spent the past months searching for answers, for hope, for clarity, for...ANYTHING that will help me move beyond this darkness. So far, nothing has helped. I fight through each day, have gotten back in the "groove" of smiling and telling everyone that I'm "good" (which is what everyone wants to hear), but it's a daily struggle. I feel so BROKEN. My soul aches. There is no other way to describe the only feeling I have these days other than "my soul aches." Something is wrong and I NEED to know what it is so that I can fix it. 

I feel like there is a thick stone wall in my mind...or heart....or something. It is unpenetrable thus far. In therapy, we hit it over and over again. When I am alone (which is VERY rare for obvious reasons)  and try to sort through my thoughts and feelings, I hit it. I don't know if it is protecting me or hindering me, but I believe that if I could only get to the other side of that wall, I would be whole.

So, I am left with a puzzle. I've been trying to work it out since before I tried to kill myself. Something is missing. Something doesn't fit. Something is WRONG in me and I need for it to be RIGHT.

I think that maybe the missing piece is in Psalm 139. God knit me together. The same God who made the rushing waterfalls that I love so much, created me. He created me just the way He wanted me to be in order to accomplish whatever He desires to accomplish thru me. Maybe I have changed too much for that to happen. It's possible I suppose. Maybe I have worked so hard to be who I think the people I love want/need me to be that I have lost who GOD created me to be. I think that maybe finding THAT woman would make all this other mess less...messy. 

Perry wants me to get in touch with my inner child. I think I killed her. I'm not kidding. I think she's gone. Maybe I didn't kill her. There is a short list of possible suspects if I didn't do it myself. Anyway, I think that is a lost cause. I think she's gone. 

I do think that there might be some way for me to realize who I am without all the masks though. Maybe. I sure hope so. 

IF God knit me together (and I believe He did), that carries a very different connotation than simply having a bunch of DNA thrown in a blender. In the blender scenario, we'd just have to hope everything came out all right. BUT if God KNIT me together...That is all together different. Knitting takes time and patience and creativity...and love. 

I need to find the part of me who was "me" before "the world" changed me into who I am today...I need to find the "me" that God knit together. Maybe that is "self" or "inner child"...I don't know. I just know that's what I need to connect with. 

I have no idea how to do that, but I will share the journey. Hopefully it will carry us out of this valley. 

Until then, I appreciate your willingness to sit with me in the dark.

Much love and BIG hugs!

K