When I started this journey, I truly thought that my greatest need was to get healthy physically. Ok, honestly, I just wanted to be skinny. I don't like my body. I don't like not being comfortable in my clothes...or my skin. I want my outside to match my inside... and the woman inside of me is not a fat girl. I look in the mirror and wonder "Who IS that?"
I quickly learned that there is still a lot going on in this head (and heart) of mine. Things are more complicated than they used to be. When I was younger, all I needed to do was make up my mind to lose some weight and it seemed to just disappear. Now I sabotage any effort I make to "get fit."
I discovered one reason for this sabotage a while back. It sounds silly. Maybe seeing it in print will help me get over myself. okay, here goes....
I like the protection that being fat offers.
Being fat is like having a protective barrier between me and the world. Yes, I realize that sounds absurd. Still, my blog, my thoughts, it is what it is.
Aside from the protection I think I feel from all this added weight, I am afraid that i wont be able to lose weight and look the way I think I should. (I'm afraid I will fail) So, rather than risk failing, I sabotage my weight loss efforts...as if failing intentionally makes failing okay somehow. (I never said I wasn't crazy)
Add to these, I have all sorts of other stuff rattling around in my heart and head that I just don't know what to do with. These are thoughts and feelings that make me uncomfortable, uneasy, confused, or even sad or angry. Historically, I have buried these so that I don't have to deal with them. I've learned last year that things don't stay buried. They just don't. Not only that, but when they come roaring to the surface...well, it's no good.
This is where my questions came from on Thursdays. They are the thoughts and feelings that I've never REALLY addressed. I have answers to them all, but in most cases, they are the answers I believe I "should" give...and maybe not exactly what I believe to be true.
So yes, this IS all tied together with my journey to lose weight.
It's not enough to just go on a diet or go to the gym.
I want to LIKE me. I want to know who I am and what I'm about and I want to be totally okay with whomever I discover when I'm done digging into my thoughts and feelings.
I don't just want to be thin. I don't just want to be physically fit. I don't just want to weigh less.
I want to be WHOLE.
I truly believe that if I can get my mind, heart, and soul cleared up and simplified...if I can get all these buried thoughts, feelings, and emotions dug up and then put in their proper places... I don't think I will be fat anymore. I think I won't desire the protection being fat offers. I think I won't need the acute comfort and/or distraction food offers.
I do know that this starts with my relationship with God. There is a huge part of me that believes that all I need to do is just take that dirt encrusted trunk of memories, wrong beliefs (mostly about myself and other people), thoughts, feelings, and emotions and just give the whole thing to God once for all. That part of me thinks that opening the trunk and shining light on all those things will only complicate matters. Another part of me... a very small quiet part...believes that it would do me good to sit at the feet of Jesus and unpack my trunk. That little part of me believes that there is healing to be found in letting go of those individual hurts, fears, emotions, wrong beliefs, feelings and thoughts.
She thinks that it will be good to take them out, dust them off, address them one by one and let Jesus take them.
Well, that's all I have to say about that.
K
I quickly learned that there is still a lot going on in this head (and heart) of mine. Things are more complicated than they used to be. When I was younger, all I needed to do was make up my mind to lose some weight and it seemed to just disappear. Now I sabotage any effort I make to "get fit."
I discovered one reason for this sabotage a while back. It sounds silly. Maybe seeing it in print will help me get over myself. okay, here goes....
I like the protection that being fat offers.
Being fat is like having a protective barrier between me and the world. Yes, I realize that sounds absurd. Still, my blog, my thoughts, it is what it is.
Aside from the protection I think I feel from all this added weight, I am afraid that i wont be able to lose weight and look the way I think I should. (I'm afraid I will fail) So, rather than risk failing, I sabotage my weight loss efforts...as if failing intentionally makes failing okay somehow. (I never said I wasn't crazy)
Add to these, I have all sorts of other stuff rattling around in my heart and head that I just don't know what to do with. These are thoughts and feelings that make me uncomfortable, uneasy, confused, or even sad or angry. Historically, I have buried these so that I don't have to deal with them. I've learned last year that things don't stay buried. They just don't. Not only that, but when they come roaring to the surface...well, it's no good.
This is where my questions came from on Thursdays. They are the thoughts and feelings that I've never REALLY addressed. I have answers to them all, but in most cases, they are the answers I believe I "should" give...and maybe not exactly what I believe to be true.
So yes, this IS all tied together with my journey to lose weight.
It's not enough to just go on a diet or go to the gym.
I want to LIKE me. I want to know who I am and what I'm about and I want to be totally okay with whomever I discover when I'm done digging into my thoughts and feelings.
I don't just want to be thin. I don't just want to be physically fit. I don't just want to weigh less.
I want to be WHOLE.
I truly believe that if I can get my mind, heart, and soul cleared up and simplified...if I can get all these buried thoughts, feelings, and emotions dug up and then put in their proper places... I don't think I will be fat anymore. I think I won't desire the protection being fat offers. I think I won't need the acute comfort and/or distraction food offers.
I do know that this starts with my relationship with God. There is a huge part of me that believes that all I need to do is just take that dirt encrusted trunk of memories, wrong beliefs (mostly about myself and other people), thoughts, feelings, and emotions and just give the whole thing to God once for all. That part of me thinks that opening the trunk and shining light on all those things will only complicate matters. Another part of me... a very small quiet part...believes that it would do me good to sit at the feet of Jesus and unpack my trunk. That little part of me believes that there is healing to be found in letting go of those individual hurts, fears, emotions, wrong beliefs, feelings and thoughts.
She thinks that it will be good to take them out, dust them off, address them one by one and let Jesus take them.
Well, that's all I have to say about that.
K
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