Well, I am in a better frame of mind this week. First off, I caught up on my Bible reading plan and am on target to get the Bible read in 100 days! This is a huge accomplishment for me. Also, I am on target for tossing things in the trash. I know this sounds silly to those of you who are total neat freaks, but it is HUGE for me. I have tossed more stuff... and FOUND more stuff than I care to admit! (I will say this... turns out, I have enough tissue paper to stuff gift bags for every holiday, birthday, baby shower, wedding shower or "just because" for the next 19 years or so! )
Let's see... what else...
Yeah... that's about it. hahhahahahahaha
Seriously folks, I'm a walking disaster. Ya gotta laugh tho. I mean really. WHAT was I THINKING???? Who am I KIDDING??? I CAN'T do this!!!!
I have this thing... I don't know what else to call it... it's just this thing I do whenI decide that I need to do something, or even just that I want to do something. I dream about it for a while. I research possibilities and play out scenarios out in my head. I doodle ideas and journal my thoughts about it. I see what others have done. I read up on the best of whatever it is. I imagine the final result a million times. I get an image in my head of my idea of perfection.... and then I quit.
Okay to be fair, I don't always quit immediately.
The REAL way this plays out is that, once I get this picture in my head of the perfect what ever it is, I realize that there is no way on earth that I could accomplish what ever it is. (think: 100 push ups) Then I spend a great deal of time chastising myself for "always failing" and remind myself that I "Will never be good enough, will never amount to anything, and can't do anything right."
THEN I quit.
I often quit before I even get started, because I set the standard so high that there is no way I could succeed. If I don't succeed, I fail. Failure is not an option. So, rather than fail... I quit. It's a control thing really. Rather than leaving success or failure to chance, I quit. So... while I haven't succeeded, it was by choice... not because tried and couldn't succeed.
Goodness I want to vomit just writing this. Seeing it all in print is sickening.
How many times have I quit simply because I was afraid I'd fail?
Honestly, I'm not sure what to do with all this today. I REALLY thought that this would be the post where I tell you that this whole Challenge thing is just crazy and I quit. That it was stupid anyway. That I don't have anything to prove and can quit if I want.
All those things are true... it is crazy, it may even be stupid, but ya know what? I DO have something to prove... not to you... to myself.
I need to prove to myself that I can complete this... as my friend says... "Even if I suck at it."
I need to prove to myself that less than perfect isn't failure and that good enough is.... well, good enough.
I need to prove to myself that I do not have to be afraid of failure.
Goodness... this whole post makes my ears ring, my head hurt, my chest ache, and my hands shake. I want to vomit.
(sigh)
Okay, I'm NOT quitting. I'm gonna finish this. No matter WHAT that looks like.
79 days to Go!!!
k
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