Tuesday, February 3, 2009

"so How are you REALLY doing?"

This is the question I get asked most often. Really, I am okay. I have a knot on the back of my neck(I am guessing a swollen lymph node), and a sore throat (a real one, not from the surgery), and my chest hurts a little (probably from stress), and I am running a little fever. So, I feel bad, but none of that has anything to do with the cancer that I know of. We will check out the fever and sore throat when I see Dr S on Thursday.
I am interested to hear what the Tumor Board says about all this. I wonder if they will find it as interesting as Dr S does. To me, it seems so random, but then again, Cancer is like that.
I'm not worried or afraid, or depressed, or upset. Maybe I should be. Then again, what good would that do? Just make me feel worse and make everyone avoid me. People will feel sorry for you for a little while, but no one wants to hang out with someone who is all "poor me" all the time. I want to be an inspiration. I want people to ask "How do you do it?", because then i can give my testimony and tell them about Jesus! I want to make people feel better about them selves and their circumstances. Most of all, i want the people in my life to hunger and thirst for a close, personal, intimate relationship with Christ.
I was telling a friend today....I don't know how people make it through times such as this without a strong relationship with Christ. It is hard to trust someone you don't know, or even someone you just met, or someone you are acquainted with. I mean, when bad things happen, who do we run to? The girl at the check out at Wal mart? The person who you see in the parking lot at work and smile at every morning (" I think his/her name is....")? Your neighbor across the street that you greet with a hearty "Mornin!" as you both grab your newspapers or take the garbage to the road on garbage day? The person who you work next to every day, but don't see out side of the office? No, when you need help, you turn to the people you KNOW, people you have a history with. People that have already shown you that they are trustworthy.
I am so grateful that God drew me close to His heart years ago. He has already delivered me from anorexia and bulimia. He has already held me through grief. He has fed me and watered me and helped me to grow. HE has provided a way when there seemed no hope. He answered our prayers when the Doctor said that I was having a miscarriage when I was pregnant with Brian. He comforted me when I did miscarry and lost Brian's and Izzy's sister or brother. He has helped me make sense of numerous "injustices". He has taught me to forgive. He has taught me what it means to love unconditionally. He has shown me grace. He has calmed my fears, eased my doubts, and put a song in my heart. I KNOW Him. I LOVE Him. I know I can trust Him whether it is when I am considering a job, needing extra $$ to make it to payday, or with Cancer. My Savior will take care of me and mine. I may not always understand why things happen, but I am able to rest in the sweet understanding of my Creator's character. He is love. He loves me. He has a plan and His plan is best!
So, I am REALLY okay.
Hugs,
K